


Promise me

by KerryLamb



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Memories, Drama, F/M, First Kiss, Friends to Enemies, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Raised on Earth, Rites of Passage, fast friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 06:53:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 63,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15334302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KerryLamb/pseuds/KerryLamb
Summary: Chance bring Nyota Uhura and Spock S'chn T'gai together in a small, urban neighborhood outside of DC. The two of them navigate the streets of their city and then the social hierarchy of their intergalactic academy. Will the pair remain friends or will the pressure of culture, family expectations and society norms tear them apart?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like this has been a commonly stated prompt that I've never paid attention too because 1) While I wanted to write drama I never wanted it to be about ST kid characters, 2) to do this kind of story well it was going to have to be long and I've been trying to avoid long ass stories 3) I didn't want it to be on Vulcan where I would have to design a world again and have Nyota being the one having to adapt. 4) I had to want to write it.
> 
> Now that time has past I have finished a few writing projects and I feel good with where I am mentally, emotionally and in the world, I thought I'd give it a go. I have about eight chapters written out and unlike Crown Jewels this was intended to be a multi-chapter and not a one shot so I know where I'm going with this.

Their shuttle was late. While his father silently stewed and his mother emitted the occasional frustrated sigh, Spock was content with the predicament. 

 

It was so rare that he was around so many humans and rarer still that his environment lended itself to observing them. Emotive and often times illogical to a fault, his mother’s people captivated Spock in a strange, siren’s song. As much as he wished to be among them, their ways were so vastly different than Vulcans’ that Spock feared the outcome of his inability to conform to the human social norm.

 

Watching a harried mother scooting her brood along as she tried to navigate them towards their gate gave the young Vulcan just one example of how they differed. The chubby toddler in front raced ahead, laughing back at his exasperated mother’s pleading until he crashed head on into a businessman’s leg. The executive-like figure glanced down from his comm with an expressive o shape to his lips and smiled down at the toddler as the child reeled from the collision. 

 

The mother clambered toward the businessman, full of sorries as she shook her head between him and her son. The jet setter waved away her concern (at least Spock concluded this) and ruffled the boy’s hair with a hand at his scalp. All of it fascinated Spock. 

 

It was just the right amount of taboo, a place between longing and relief that gave the young hybrid a sense of direction. These were prime examples of how he shouldn’t act, though something within him wished to express and define such actions for himself. Wouldn’t it be thrilling to smile as a shuttle took flight or perhaps scowl at the person’s head who cut in front of you? 

 

Spock rested his chin on the back of the seat as he watched traveler after traveler walk or run past him, their faces somewhat blank of emotion, through the eyes of a five year old. Spock figured most of them were deep in thought as they trudged on towards the shuttle gate to get to their destination but as soon as they came across a familiar face, each human he observed suddenly blossomed with emotion. It was like walking into a darkened room to suddenly have the light or the room’s comm turn on.

 

His eyes darted from one face to the next until he settled on a very small and very female face. It belonged to a human child, near his age, though terran years pass faster than that of Vulcan. She was skipping out in front of her parents, dancing and singing loudly though Spock did not hear any music to inspire either action.

 

He paled with morbid excitement as she and her parent drew closer to where he was seated. All too late did he think to avert his gaze but in the midst of her lively performance their eyes met and her eyes lit up at the sight of him.

 

Alien as they were to each other, Spock knew the look of a peer recognizing another as she raced over and bounced into the seat behind his. Spock reared back as her face came barreling towards his all smiles and huffy giggles.

 

“ Nashaut!” she lisped happily. Spock blinked rapidly and tilted his head at her Vulcan hello. Vulcans were the first to visit Earth and their culture was not so obscure but he had not expected her to greet him in such a fashion.

 

When he did not reply she sat up straighter in her chair and frowned, which only made him stare back at her more. Why was she suddenly displeased? Before he could think on it further, she gasped with a look of surprise and rushed her hand upwards between them. Knitting her brows and biting at her bottom lip, the girl molded her small brown hand into a poorly shaped ta’al.

 

He looked up from her hand to find her smiling again and as alarming as it was to see her face so expressive, it pleased him. It meant that she was welcoming of his person.

 

“ I’m Nyota! I know Nashaut and Rom-halan and Dif-tor heh smusma from school from my teacher Ms. Sato!” she gushed. It was clear from her tone that she was proud of that fact and was expecting him to answer accordingly. 

 

He opened his mouth and saluted her back, telling her his name, much to her amusement. She tried pronouncing it, her mouth moving with unnecessarily grand gestures as she did so but could not quite achieve it. However much she mangled his name Spock found his own amusement with trying to help her and suppressing his mouth’s reaction to Nyota’s attempts to mimic it. It did not hurt him like when others purposefully misspoke his name, merely humored him. Watching her bounce in the chair repeating his name in a sing song voice, Spock was inclined to call her a friend in the short time he knew her.

 

As they spoke their parents, mainly their mothers, took turns joking with each other about the joys of parenthood. “ A thankless job.” his mother chuckled as Nyota’s mother laughed back with smiling eyes.

 

“I envy their innocence. Nyota makes friends wherever she goes.” They continued talking in fits and starts until the fathers joined in. As the adults settled in to a quiet drone of conversation, Spock and Nyota’s attention drifted from to the departing shuttles they could see through the window.

 

“Do you like shuttles?” she asked in standard. Spock turned to see her pressed against the large window studying the craft nearest to them. He figured she did not know any more Vulcan than what she had  spoken earlier and welcomed the chance to speak standard with someone other than his mother. 

 

“Yes. I find many of their designs appealing.”

 

She began to pepper him with questions. What was Vulcan like? How was the school? What did he eat? How long did he sleep? Did he have a pet? And on and on it went.

 

Spock hardly thought a simple salutation could lead into such a rigorous interview but her charm was warm and infectious. He found himself answering with his own lips slightly curled and even found a space in between her friendly interrogation to ask a few questions of his own.

 

“Do you live here or are you visiting Washington DC?” she asked.

 

“My family is planning to do the former and we have concluded the latter.”

 

Nyota wrinkled her nose and her brow and drew a slight gap between her lips.  “What?”

 

Spock bit the inside of his cheek and shuffled where he was perched on the chair.  “We are moving to the area.”

 

She brightened at the clarification and performed a jubilant bounce on her chair.  “Us too! Are you going to miss your old house?”

 

Spock glanced towards their parents, gazing fondly from where they were conversing back to Nyota’s questioning face.  “Not anymore.”


	2. New Neighbors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock and Nyota move into their houses and become fast friends. Nyota's parents reflect on this fact.

Nyota’s parents had taken Spock’s parents advice and looked out in the suburbs just outside of Washington’s historic skyline in Arlington and as a result they became neighbors.  Just four houses down on the opposite side of their Victorian style abode, sat the S’chn T’gai’s modest cape cod home. Moving in during the summer months of the year, the children had lots of free time to go after their childish pursuits. No stream, woodland or playground was safe from their exploration. Neither were their houses spared the muck they would trek onto the floors after these explorations.

 

Knowing that Spock would be at her side, Nyota’s parents allowed her to roam the neighborhood to her heart’s content. The resulting freedom had her early to rise and eager to take on her chores, much to her parent’s delight. 

 

She heard them discussing it one morning as she swept the front porch. Her mama preferred to have the windows open as much as possible to allow fresh air flow.  Baba’s deep timbre floated out from the sitting parlor. “What are the chances, eh?” There was a long pause and Nyota thought he was probably after another sip of tea. She kept the swipe of her broom steady but gentle as she tried to listen in.  “Nyota’s overly friendly nature has gained us a free babysitter.”

Her mama gave a muffled laugh, most likely into her teacup and hummed over his joke.  “I would hardly call Spock a babysitter. He is only two years older than her.”

 

The sound of hot tea splashing into an empty cup muffled her baba’s response.  “In Vulcan years--seven here--he minds her as much as he plays with her. And with his Vulcan’s predilection toward virtue I can rest easy.”

 

Nyota wrinkled her nose at what she was able to catch and nearly stopped sweeping. Virtue? Baba was talking about Spock as if he might have been a bad person but turned out to be good. Her mama must have been thinking along the same lines. Nyota heard a hum and then something being placed onto china. The light thump of it made Nyota think of fruit slices.

 

“Omondi, please. You act like the boy is a teenager.”  “No, I act like the boy is a boy, Kioni. If a boy likes a girl he goes out of his way to make sure she likes him too.  Make no mistake he likes her but he is Vulcan so I have very little to worry about.”

 

“Oh my God.” her mama chuckled. The chiming ting of a spoon stirring lightened her laughter.  “I cannot believe you are actually entertaining this. They are  _ children _ , mume.”

Her baba made a tsking noise at her mama’s lighthearted-scolding and sipped noisily at his tea. “They will be grown before you know it and it is my duty as her father to see that she is surrounded by good people not naughty boys.  This Spock, though, is a good fellow. He will treat her like a sister and not a girl.”

 

Her mama took longer to respond as she finished chewing her breakfast.“ I wouldn’t think too much of it.  Friends come and go. The S’chn T’gai’s are a diplomat family. Who knows if they will be here more than two years?  Even if they do, some childhood friendships don’t stand the test of time.”

 

At that Nyota stopped sweeping altogether. Her and Spock not being friends? She wanted to protest but doing so would call her out on eavesdropping.  She and Spock had known each other for a little over a month-and-a-half but even in that short time she felt closer to him than she had any other friend. She had never been short of friends and company was easy to come by but Spock felt...good to be around. 

 

She never felt pressure to be anything more than she was and his competitive nature was somewhat relatable. They were both the babies in their family. While his siblings were attending to their own pursuits, Nyota’s status as only child had her doted on but heavily pressured to succeed.  It was a wonder that they ever played any board games. They always ended up lobbing accusations at each other while vehemently denying guilt in any wrongdoing. However tumultuous the argument, they settled each conflict over timid apologies.

 

Nyota treasured that relationship like her first pair of earrings. She could always get more but like that particular piece of jewelry Spock was special.  What if she lost her best friend? Panic burned at her throat and made her drop the broom. The clatter of porcelain on porcelain filled the air.

 

“  _ Kidege _ (Little bird)? What are you doing?”  Nyota hurried and picked up the broom. “Sorry baba.” she mumbled as she resumed her sweeping. “I’m almost done.”

 

“Remember to take out the trash before you leave anywhere,” her mother added. “Don’t you disappear before you’ve finished all of your chores.”

 

Her baba chuckled and the sound of tea pouring came again.  “Don’t worry. If she does we will get Spock to bring her back.”  “Baba...!” Nyota groaned quietly, pouting. She was put out but not enough to get caught being disrespectful.  “Nyo, are you talking back?” her mama asked. Busted.

 

“No, mama. Just sweeping.”

 

“Sure…” her mother agreed cooly.  “Finish up, take out the trash and go out and play. You have dance and choir today. Be back by 5.”  “Yes, mama,” Nyota said more loudly. She enjoyed both activities but she wanted to have her time exploring the city uninterrupted. 

 

Spock was a good companion to discover things with, never shying away from the things other would think of as gross or dumb.  He said he was the youngest of three but she had yet to see his older siblings, short of their faces on his home’s comm screen for call suggestions.  Be that as it may Spock seemed content with his family life.

 

Nyota would say the same but she sometimes got the feeling that her parents were disappointed:  Her baba because she was not a boy and her mama because she was not more like a stereotypical girl. 

 

She wore dresses when asked to, had questionable etiquette and was always running around looking like a half-crazed honey badger. She wanted to please her parents and show them that she could do well in all of her training but the fact remained that there was always something new to master or achieve with them.

 

Nyota tapped the broom on the side of the porch and placed it back inside the coat closet. She fished out the shoes she wore to play and ran for the kitchen. She started to head for the trash bin but she turned on her heels towards the stasis pantry. 

 

She wasn’t particularly hungry but it seemed like Spock always was.  “He’s a growing boy,” his mother would chuckle as he blushed over his third helping of whatever they were eating.  He would no doubt get hungry if they stayed out until five and she didn’t want to return any sooner than she had too.

 

She made a bag of provisions, thick chapati with fried garden eggs (eggplants) for Spock and samosas for herself. He also enjoyed cheese but they rarely kept any in the house. Further investigation found her hunch to be true.  It was a full bag but it still didn’t seem like enough.

 

She also grabbed a few bags of dried fruit for a candy. Her mother didn’t keep any in the house, telling them that they could buy some as a treat when they were out.  Dried Mangos and pineapples were good enough in Nyota’s book, but she made sure to get Spock’s favorite of Coconut chips and sour cherries. 

 

How Spock could tolerate the latter was beyond Nyota and her palette but he was more than content with them. He would pop a few into his mouth and suck on them as if they were hard candy.

 

She scooped a last of her items into her bag and run out the back door. She was nearly down the steps when she turned with a yelp.  “The trash!”

 

She put down her bag and rushed through to dispose with the garbage before retrieving the bag once more. When she made it onto the street Spock was wanting for her on the sidewalk in front of her house. 

 

He studied her face before dropping his gaze to the bag.  “Hello, Nyota. What do you have in your bag?”

 

She slung it over from her shoulder and held the beige sack out in front of her with two hands. “Lunch. We’re going to be out for a while. I have to be back by five so I figured we can picnic.”

 

He appeared pleased by both prospects and took the bag from her hand.  “I will carry it. Lead the way.”

 

And lead she did.  She set a quick pace which he matched easily enough, each observing their surroundings as they made their way out of the neighborhood and into the surrounding forest. Spock kept quiet for the most part until they entered the forest. There he began his soliloquy of all that he could observe around him.

 

“There, along that tree. That is poison ivy. Take care to mind it.  And those clumps of greenery around the base of that rotting log, those are wild strawberries. Unlike its domesticated descendants the fruit produced by these plants are actually quite tart.”

 

His speech was much the same when it came to animals as well.  Nyota took care to listen as much as she could while watching her footing on the forest floor.  He would try to quiz her if he didn’t believe she was paying attention. He was exceptionally flustered when she got every question right and unbearingly self-righteous when she missed even one.

 

True to his nature, Spock huffed loudly behind her.  “If you are so informed would you care to refresh the class with the name of the bird currently singing above us?”

 

Nyota laughed through her nose and shook her head. “You’re not a teacher Spock.”

 

“I can be if I want to,” he pouted back at her.  “And you still haven’t given the answer, I know you weren’t paying attention.”

 

Nyota’s plaited ponytails swung lightly around her shoulders as she glared back at his smug countenance.“  It’s frogs. Frogs are singing right now. It’s still wet from the rain and they come out in the rain.”

 

Spock opened his mouth to protest but slowly closed it back with a grimace.  “Very well. You can be the teacher now then.”

 

“I don’t wanna play school.  We got to go to school soon.” 

 

Spock shrugged and maneuvered himself around a large mass of decaying tree trucks.  “We have more than one month, three weeks and 4 days.”

 

“I want to be in the same class as you. I won’t know anybody there.”

 

Spock repositioned the bag along his back and watched her kick at the leaf matter cushioning the ground.  “You are apprehensive to go?”

 

Nyota shrugged and headed towards the left where a fairly newly fallen tree was uprooted near the forest boundary.  “I don’t know. I’m just scared.”

 

Spock followed Nyota and sat down on the tree’s massive root system. He sniffed at the bag and pulled out their meal.  “You do not need to have fear where there is nothing to be afraid of.”

 

Nyota accepted a samosa and crammed the crisp triangle into her mouth.  “What do you mean?”

 

Spock finished with a bite of chapati and shrugged his shoulders.  “It is not correct that you do not know anyone. You will in fact know me in the school and as friends we must look out for one another.”

 

“Right,” Nyota said grabbing another fried dumpling. Her baba was right, Spock did care for her.


	3. Playing house

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock and his mother prepare for Nyota to come over and play in the backyard. Spock surprises her and they play a game which has Nyota asking for a favor his worries to keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably my favorite chapter

He very much looked forward to showing Nyota the completed project. 

 

Spock had never shown her the blueprints for the playhouse’s construction, as he and his father had no need of them after seeing it mapped out beforehand. 

 

Secondly, Spock secretly wanted it to be a surprise.  He thought, based on her interest in Vulcan language, perhaps Nyota would be pleased to see a Vulcan domicile, even if it was on a smaller scale.

 

Spock sat propped against the wall, gazing out the storm door, waiting patiently for her arrival. In the kitchen the rhythmic  _ thuck thuck thuck _ tapped out from the kitchen as his mother chopped apples for haroset. 

 

The honey sweetened dish of apples and nuts was one of his favorites but Spock believed his mother’s motivation for making the dessert at the moment to be Nyota’s impending visit. The cadence and pitch of the knife’s chopping altered as she moved from the apples to the nuts.

 

His father had often called his mother sentimental for cooking by hand when they had so much kitchen appliances on hand. He did not see the logic behind securing her a replicator if she was going to continue cooking as she had. 

 

His mother smiled and teased him back in stride, telling Sarek that “doing things by hand doesn’t always get you the best looking results but you can feel the love you placed in them.”

 

Spock thought that the statement had been illogical at best, (how could one place emotions into an object?) but he did find that her handmade haroset tasted far superior to that of his aunt’s, whose food processor was in regular rotation in her kitchen. 

 

“Spock, sweetheart, could you grab the honey for me, please?  My hands are a mess.” 

 

Spock pursed his lips with a huff and rose begrudgingly from his seat near the door to do as she requested.  He didn’t want Nyota to arrive at his house without his knowing; she might go out to the back and spoil his surprise.  But as it was, he saw no reason to argue or deny his mother.

 

Fetching the step stool, Spock stood up on his toes and opened the cabinet where they kept their tea.  Off to the side, in a small bear shaped bottle, was their synthesized honey. Bees had nearly gone existent in the 21st century due to climate change, pesticide use and over harvesting of their honey so they was rarely ever an ounce of the real liquid in the house. 

 

Some varieties rivaled the price of latinum but to be seen with the real product was to be viewed as old fashioned. As it was Spock had only tasted actual honey once, during a wedding thrown for his cousins in California. It has been surprisingly mild in its sweetness but the taste lingered far longer on his tongue than what he had at home. The smell of it was also pleasant and brought to mind the clover fields he and Nyota had found the summer they first moved there. 

 

Stepping off of the stool, Spock stood beside his mother and opened the jar up to dispense the honey.  As he poured, he heard her laugh and turned his head from the door up towards her smiling face. “Want a little apple to go with your honey, Spock?”

 

He looked at her quizzically until he glanced down to the golden glob of yellow piled on top of the other ingredients.  He gasped and hurried to close the bottle as his mother began to fold the honey into the rest of the sweets. “She’ll come Spock, but not with you watching like that.”

 

Spock huffed again and scratched absently at a bug bite at his calf.  “I do not understand what is taking her so long.”

 

“She’ll be here. Nyota has homework just like you.  And unlike some people I know I’m sure Nyota double checks hers after taking her time to answer questions.”

 

Spock frowned at the teasing slight with an almost imperceptible pout to his lips while returning to the doorway. “I take an appropriate amount of time.  I know my answers are correct.”

 

Amanda sighed and rolled her eyes as she spooned the mess he had made out of their dessert. “I know dear.  Just be patience. She’ll come when she’s ready; all ladies do.”

 

Spock frowned at her outright and went back to his post near the doorway.  His mother was trying to pacify him but her effort seemed insincere. Perhaps because it felt like she was aiming more to placate herself.

 

His family seemed to be crumbling from the inside.  Sybok had forsaken them and Michael...he wasn’t sure what his elder sister was doing out in the known skirts of space but as it was, it was just his father, his mother and himself.

 

He wasn’t sure how many others knew and he didn’t want them to know. He didn’t want to hear what they had to say because he didn’t even know what to think himself. What Spock did know is that he was worried. He very much loved his mother and if he could attribute the same sort of affection for his father then the same was true for him. The thought of possibly not seeing them again whether from seclusion on Vulcan or ventures in space frightened him. He wanted to have a family...he missed having a family…

 

Banging at the door startled him from his thoughts and brought his gaze up towards the willowy figure at the doorway.  Nyota’s already smiling face brightened at his attention as she yanked on the door knob and let herself in. “Hi! What are you doing?”

 

Spock bit his lip and searched his mind for a diversion.  He did not want to admit to either waiting for her or pondering the change in his family dynamic. Thoughts of the haroset and the miniature domicile sprung to mind as he gestured with his head towards the backyard. “I have something to show you. Come.”

 

He sped towards the back door with Nyota quick on his heels, his mother’s voice an indiscernible grouse as it chased them through the doorway. He would figure out what she was trying to impart later; Nyota was finally here to share in his creation. 

 

They hadn’t fully made it off of the deck when he heard her reaction. Her sharp gasp tickled his ear and he soon found Nyota racing beside him. “Wow!”

 

They came to a loud halt, clobbering the grass as they slapped their sneakered-feet down on the lawn.  Spock turned his head to watch her take it in, his eyes following hers as she circled the playhouse excitedly exclaiming her approval.  A small smile pulled at his mouth and he clenched his fists behind his back to refocus the energy. “You may enter, if you wish.”

 

She opened the door without further prompting and continued to praise it. “  _ Baridi _ !  This is  _ so _ cool!  When did you get it?  Is this why we couldn’t go into the yard?  Wow, it even has a kitchen! What’s this? Oh, there’s a second room!  I like these windows!”

 

Spock trailed in behind her and tried answering her barrage of questions.  “We have had it for just a few weeks now. My father and I constructed it; it was a joint effort,” he said none too modestly. 

 

He couldn’t help the feeling of pride. He hadn’t been sure of that he could even do it but his father had guided him through it every evening he had a spare moment. To see it paying off in the form of his friend’s enthusiasm made him feel...he was uncertain...large?  Maybe...capable? He was perplexed over the emotion but...content. 

 

Nyota turned to him suddenly and bounced on her heels as she held her hands to her chest.  “Let’s play house! I’m the mama and you’re the dad.”

 

“Very well,” he nodded in agreement. She was looking around the space for something but seemed at a loss.  “What is it?”

 

“We need a baby.  And maybe a dog or a cat?  Do you have any dolls?” 

 

He grunted and shifted on his feet.  “I may have some items that could fill these rolls. We should consider having a Selhat over a cat or a dog as this is a Vulcan home and it is a Vulcan pet.”

 

It was just a matter of fact he thought as she acquiesced to his suggestion. Only logical, he reasoned that they should play Vulcan ‘house’ properly.  He left Nyota to fix the house as she wished while he ran upstairs to fetch the large action figures of Vulcan warriors hanging on his display case. As he raced down the stairs his mother was standing at the base with a small bowl in hand.  She handed it to him along with two spoons and gave him a long suffering look. “Take this out with you. I don’t want it to go to waste and I won’t be able to eat all of it.”

 

With that statement, Spock concluded that his father would either be working late or going out on a mission.  He knew his father loved his mother’s cooking, particularly her holiday food and would not be one to leave leftovers.  He shuffled the toys and accepted the bowl with a newly freed hand. “Yes, mother.”

 

She smiled at him and headed back towards the kitchen, this time with a comm in hand.  He wondered briefly over who she was going to call but didn’t wait to hear who answered.  He felt he had already spent enough time getting the toys and food from her. He ambled back outside and was cheered to see that Nyota had set a number of wildflowers off in the corner of the small kitchen counter.  She squealed at the sight of him and unceremoniously took all three figures. “Okay this is our child Oro. And that-” she said putting a figure on the sandy floor “- is Rimka. And this is baby Mosi.”

 

Spock furrowed his brow slightly and tilted his head.  “I am unfamiliar with these names.”

 

Nyota shrugged and took the bowl from his hand.  “They’re Kenyan. Go to work now. I have to take the kids to school and feed Rimka before I leave for work too.”

 

“Yes.  Of course.”  Spock rushed, pretending to gather a satchel and head towards the door.  Nyota shouted at him as soon as he stepped towards it and he turned to find her extending the figure, now named Mosi, up to his face.  “Say goodbye to your son!”

 

“Forgive me, Mosi,” he said with a neatly gestured ta’al.  He extended another towards ‘Oro’ and patted Rimka on the head.  “I shall return to you all shortly. Do well on your studies. Live long and prosper.”

 

Nyota changed her voice and waved the arm of his figurine.  “Goodbye Baba! See you soon!” 

 

Spock tried again to leave and this time found success.  He went about the garden observing the changes therein and decided after five minutes to return to their domicile.  Upon his approach, Nyota rushed to enter before him. He came in to see her stirring the haroset and cradling his figure of Satak, newly named Oro, to her chest.  “Welcome Home, Baba! How was your day?”

 

Spock pretended to dispense of his bag and came into the kitchen with her.  “It was productive. And yours?”

 

Nyota sighed and stuck the spoon in the bowl.  “It was fine but Janice was not being nice to Christine.  I didn’t like it. Oro had a good day too but Mosi was naughty!”

 

She thrusted the toy to his chest and scowled down at it in mock disappointment.  Spock huffed through his nose and took the toy in hand. “Mosi, you must not be naughty in school and for your mother.  You make everyone else’s job more difficult when you do so. I am dismayed by your behavior but I know you will change it.”

 

Nyota snatched the toy away, satisfied with his chiding and sat the toy on the counter.  “Very good, Baba. You have set him straight. I made dinner! It is…”

 

Spock waited for her to answer but it was clear that Nyota didn’t have a Vulcan name for the dish.“  It is haroset but for a Vulcan dinner we can have balk’ra.”

 

“Yes! I made your favorite! Balk’ra!” she cheered, handing him a spoon.  He took it and stepped over to where she placed the bowl and began to eat alongside her.  They played this game for an hour more when it came to her attention that she would have to leave for her actual dinner with her parents.

 

Spock bit his lip and rose from the floor of the second room where he had been pretending to meditate.  “I shall see you tomorrow then?”

 

“Yes, tomorrow!” she agreed, chewing the last spoonful of honied apples.  She seemed reticent to leave and he thought to ask why. “Is something amiss?”

 

Nyota shrugged and scratched her nail at the rocky surface of the kitchenette.  “Janice and Christine really did fight today. They said they weren’t friends anymore.  I always want to be friends with my friends.”

 

At once it came to him that Nyota wished to ensure their friendship.  “We will be friends Nyota.”

 

“ No matter what?” she asked, her cherub face suddenly serious.  He nodded and felt himself gladden. 

 

This is just as he had wanted with his family.  He wanted them all the be content with each other and stay together as one.  And wouldn’t it be wonderful to keep Nyota as a friend as well? Yes, this was quite good he thought nodding again.  Nothing would see them at odds . “No matter what.”

 

He gasped, startled and upset, as she took his hand between her own.  She was gazing at him earnestly and looking fretful.

 

“Promise me…” she started, holding his hand tighter with an earnest look in her eyes.  “

 

Promise me we’ll be best friends forever.”

 

“Forever is an infinite amount of time that neither you or I could see the end of,” he replied. He was unsure of what to say. The emotions he felt tickling at his hand was just as warm and fuzzy as when he had hugged I-chaya. 

 

“ Please? We’re good friends, right? You can promise me then if we’re good friends.” she reasoned.

 

“ I-”

 

Nyota  _ was _ a good friend now, a best friend, his mother had said.  So why did these emotions, the ones he felt crossing over from the touch of their hands, make him feel nervous and dizzy? Spock laced his fingers with hers and felt his mouth fidget at the corners as he suppressed his desire to smile.  It made his side flutter to touch her hands this way. Cool as they were, the connection of her made him feel blissfully warm. Safe. Secure.

 

He thought about it, long and hard about how he wanted her to be his best comrade, never ceasing in their bond of friendship. The more he imagined it, the stronger and more certain he felt about it. Yes, they would always be friends for the time each of them had. They would discover things together, tell each other secrets and do all their favorite things.

 

In Spock’s limited viewpoint, being an adult consisted of doing things you cared not to do, having a career, living with your bondmate, having children and telling said children what to do. He could tell Nyota all about these things as they got older and they would be able to eat copious amounts of ice cream because of the money they would get from their jobs and living away from their parents after college. Yes, they would be best friends for their ‘forever’. She was his best friend.

 

Something zapped between them.  A sharp, electric jolt cut between their knotted fingers and fizzled beneath their skin. 

 

Nyota shrieked in surprise while Spock fell back in alarm. He glanced over his hand looking for any sign of injury but his skin remained unblemished.

 

What had happened?! Something had shocked them but what? It hadn’t necessarily hurt but the feeling had been unexpected. “ Nyota, I - I don’t know what I did. I am sorry.”

 

Nyota shook her hand once more and twisted her mouth curiously. Looking it over, she wiggled the digits and seemed satisfied that they were alright.“ It’s okay. Friends Forever?”

 

Spock smiled at her honestly then, heartened that she didn’t take offense to his faux pas. “ Friends infinitely.” 


	4. School Daze

The first day of school was much like she imagined it would be.

 

The constant stream of new faces and voices seemed endless. Parents were eager to see everything the academy had to offer their little ones and went out of their way to tell each other how gifted so & so was or what this & that was currently studying. 

 

Her mother was glowing in the fun of it all. She bragged about Nyota every chance that she got. It was a nonstop fest of accomplishments and accolades.

 

“She’s as quick as a whip with languages, this one is. Picked up Andorian and Caitian just like that!” she gushed with a snap of her fingers. “She even helped with the move here. Her near-native speaking Vulcan proficiency gained us our new neighbors and good friends, the S’chn T’gais. You might know them as Earth’s Vulcan diplomats.”

 

The surrounding parents would typically ooo and aww over this tidbit and her mama made a show of waving towards Spock or Amanda. Ever polite the two would wave back and cement her mother’s place among the parent hierarchy. It showed everyone she spoke with no matter how braggadocious she was, Kioni was a woman who networked and used all the resources available to her. 

 

The Cochran academy was another way to help in those resources as she invested her work savings at this premiere Inter-solar system school to pay for Nyota’s tuition. She wanted the best for her girl and to have her flourish alongside the alpha quadrant’s best of the best.

 

Nyota did feel the same. She loved languages because they were fun not some academic achievement. Growing up in the United Republic of Africa, Nyota was well versed in many languages like any other child. Kenya alone had 68 languages alone spoken regularly within its borders. To add on five of the most prominent alien languages was just a drop in the bucket. 

 

Her mother and the people of the United Americas didn’t seem to think so. It got her in alongside Spock and other kids whose families were interstellar legends. It seemed surreal to be attending the same school that the Kirks went to. She had seen them on holovids at her old school and now she would be going to school with him. 

 

She heard another mom talking about her chess playing son and how at the age of 5 he would be in the same class as Nyota. Then there was a boy from San Francisco who was a champion shuttle racer. And the mechanical whiz from Scotland. 

 

All these special things that Nyota couldn’t do. It made her insecure and that made her feel scared.

 

Intimidated, she clung to her mother’s leg, which exasperated Kioni..

 

When she bumped into her rear for the fifth time, her mother turned on Nyota with a stern tone of warning. “Really Nyota, if you could get any closer I think you’d be back in my belly. Let go of my leg and go talk to your classmates.”

 

Nyota gave her a long face and turned slowly towards the left when she heard her mother hissing out another command. “And not Spock! You know him already. Talk to someone new.”

 

At this Nyota groaned and shuffled to her right. “She doesn’t understand,” Nyota thought glumly. She didn’t want to meet any new people, not right now, not like this. It felt like static raising the hairs on her arms, it was only a matter before she got too close and shocked herself and someone else.

 

She looked around the room and longed to go to the unoccupied space in the far corner. However, she didn’t have to turn around to know that her mother was staring at her as if mentally trying to move her.

 

The other children seemed nice enough but as with all moves, new kids felt the terrible pressure of knowing no one while everyone else was well acquainted.  

 

She chanced a glance in Spock’s direction and saw him with going over school supplies with five other boys. Each of them was going over the merits of their PADDs and the designs of their backpacks. Spock was right in the thick of it, earning their envy as he displayed his PADD from Vulcan.

 

Nyota’s mouth twisted as she took in his new found status among them and huffed through her nose. He was her friend not everyone else’s! Why was he being that way? He was her best friend. 

 

As if privy to her anger, Spock looked up and locked eyes with her curiously. Nyota spun on her heels towards the three girls closest to her. 

 

They were also going over their school supplies but were in the middle of adding personal touches. The girl closest to her had the blondest hair she had ever seen. She was still busy fastening pieces of rhinestone onto her PADD when she peered over her shoulder towards Nyota. “Hi.”

 

“Hi.” Nyota mumbled back. “What are you doing?”

 

“Making our PADDS cool,” replied another girl off the the pale blonde’s right. She handed up her tablet for Nyota’s inspection. Nyota leaned closer and looked it over. Holo stickers of hoverboard land surfers and tiny puppies dotted the back between tiny black and blue crystals. In the middle of the composition was the girl’s name written in a temperature color-changing ink. Janice R. 

 

“That’s really stellar,” Nyota said, touching the squeeish J. Janice beamed back at her and put her PADD back onto the desk. “Thanks.”

 

“Here’s mine. I have all the colors in it. See!”

 

Nyota turned towards the girl next to Janice and looked over her PADD. “Yeah you do. That’s pretty cool.”

 

True to her word, the girl had applied at least one stone of every color she could find to the back of the PADD. A holosticker of a rainbow with stars twinkled along the back and towards the neatly printed name written in the top half corner. Charlene. 

 

“Well it’s not as good as mine.” the pale blonde boasted, thrusting hers forward for Nyota to see. “Look.”

 

Nyota had to admit it was pretty. With a mix of clear and pale blue rhinestones the PADD sparkled like a giant jewel in the light of the classroom. A custom holosticker was plastered in the middle and projected the name of its owner. Christine. 

 

Nyota gasped and leaned in closer. “That’s so cool.” 

 

“Yeah I know,” she smiled, admiring her work. “I’m Christine. You can sit with us if you want.”

 

“Yeah, I want to! Hold on, lemme get my PADD too!”

 

She raced back to her mother who was all too happy to hand over Nyota’s PADD. Returning to the table Nyota decorated the back as she became better acquainted with the girls sitting there. 

 

The short conversations dispelled the nerves that had shaken her earlier. The girls seemed normal like her. Their parents had good jobs like her own and they all lived in neighboring communities. They watched the same shows, liked the same songs and read some of the same books as well. It was a relief. She had been worried with moving that she wouldn’t find a place to fit in but here at the school she not only fit in but related to others as well.

 

Later in class, their language arts instructor asked the class to write a quick story about their summer vacation in the form of a fantasy. Nyota grinned and dug in right away. She made herself a warrior princess and made Spock into an elf sage.  Together they explored the whole world.

 

When it was her turn she made sure to watch Spock to see if he understood the story.  It seemed like he did. His face didn’t give anything away as usual but it seemed like he was confused...and maybe a bit worried.

 

It all became clear when he stood up and presented his own. 

 

“Once upon a time, I went to the airport and we met a new family and I met a new friend. We moved to the same neighborhood and explored the woods. We played at the playground, rode hover bikes and watched cartoons together. The End.”

 

The teacher’s face twisted in confusion. “Spock. This was supposed to be a creative writing assignment.”

 

“ But that would be lying.” Spock pressed. “ I told you want I did as best I could.”

 

The teacher sighed and nodded. “Well, yes you did. Thank you. Who do we have next?”

 

Spock sat back down and wouldn’t meet anyone’s eye. A few kids piped up about him doing the assignment wrong while a couple parents behind her began chuckling. “Leave it to a Vulcan to be literal.”

 

“What are you doing?!” Christine hissed as Nyota stood up and started cheering. “ I liked that story! My mama said real things are stranger than fiction. Good job, Spock!”

 

A blonde boy next to Spock pointed towards her. “Who’s that?”

 

“My friend.” Spock replied. Nyota felt it as much as she heard it. 


	5. Birthday Let down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the saddest chapters

Spock sat up on his hands and knees, peering through the railing into the downstairs living room. His parents were further into the room, hidden beneath the ceiling. They were speaking in hushed tones but his mother’s voice was severely agitated. 

 

Spock sucked at his bottom lip and laid belly down onto the carpet to bring his ear closer to the edge.

 

“I do not see the logic to your objections. The match is sound.”

 

The tinny clatter of silverware dropping against porcelain disturbed the quiet and was quickly followed by the irritated voice of her mother. “The match is sound? The match is ridiculous! I don’t even know these people and I’m supposed to just marry our son off to their daughter?! To hell with that Sarek, he’s a child!”

 

Spock heard Sarek sigh and the scuffling scrap of his slippered feet move across the floor. “Spock is a child now but in many years to come he will not be. He will need someone for his time just as I needed you for mine.”

 

His mother scoffed and the sound of utensils continued to rattle about. “Oh is that right? You just bonded with me for your time is it? Now that that’s over, why don’t you just go and get a Vulcan bride yourself instead of pushing one onto our son?”

 

“Amanda, you are being highly emotional and this is a serious matter to consider. I ask that you be reasonable. I do not, nor would I annul our bond.”

 

“You be reasonable, Sarek! You say Spock and this...other child T’Pring, are a sound match for each other but what evidence do you have of that other than the word of a healer.”

 

China continued to clatter and chime through their conversation as his mother’s footsteps followed his father’s. “T’Pol is a highly regarded healer throughout Vulcan and I would be remiss in my duties as Spock’s father if I were to not heed her advice.”

 

“But how does she know that he’ll even go through Pon Farr? I mean, he hasn’t even gone through puberty yet. He’s just a child. A  _ hybrid  _ child,” she repeated, trying to drive home her point over the sound of silverware.

 

“T’Pring’s mind is complementary to that of Spock’s.”

 

“But what of her personality? Her likes and dislikes? Her temperament for things or people that are out of the norm; can the healer discern that?”

 

At this, Sarek’s voice hardened into something cold and unyielding. “You would have him go unbonded? We would be endangering his life, an action which I will not abide.”

 

His mother made a noise that was a cross between growling and a sigh and the sound of dinner clean up ceased. “Fucking Hell, Sarek, I’m not trying to endanger our child!  I’m trying to do just the opposite! If he has to be bonded so be it but why not have him choose and open the possibilities to humans as well?” 

 

“Humans?” 

 

His mother groaned the word back to his father and smacked her lips in disbelief. “Yes, humans. Why not? You’re bonded to one.”

 

“A very intelligent and worldly one at that. I do not think the rest of your population would be as open as you believe it to be,” he retorted.

 

“I don’t know about that. You only have to look at what’s been happening right under your nose. Spock is already fond of someone, albeit as a best friend and not romantically.”

 

“And to whom are you referring?” 

 

“Nyota, you dolt! The way those two get on makes me think that Spock and Nyota would make a fine match.”

 

“I am not so certain as you are that the match is sound. And if your reaction towards his bonding is anything like that of the Uhuras then I think it is safe to say that they would agree with me as well.”

 

“Are you trying to be difficult, Sarek?  ”Do you hear yourself? I am a human, you idiot! He’s half! It should be his choice and as someone that’s half human, Spock’s choice should come first!”

 

Spock heard his father sigh and respond with a softer edge in his voice. He knew it as his father’s explanation voice, one he would employ when he wanted those he was speaking with to understand his perspective and the logic therein. “What is needed for Spock would be asking much, I believe too much for a human family of a young human female child to wrestle with. That is not so with a Vulcan family. A proposal at his age towards another member in our society is expected and traditional and to go against it would be seen as taboo and further alienating for our son.”

 

“Sarek...you don’t get it.”

 

“Neither do you apparently.”

 

Something slammed against the table with a dull thud and was followed by his mother’s sharp inhalation. “You know what? Go. Go and bond him to this random  _ stranger _ if that’s the  _ only _ way to save him.”

 

“I believe it to be so-”

 

“I’m not going out there,” his mother cut in. “You’re doing this fucking mess all by your goddamn self. You keep on talking about the Vulcan way but time and time again forget that your child is also human! He has another way to follow Sarek! He has another people and nature that he  _ or you _ won’t be able to deny or ignore for much longer.”

 

“Despite your protests I have not forgotten this about Spock. It is precisely why I moved us here to Terra, for him to forge relationships with his other kin and brethren. It was my family’s and Spock’s preferences I took into consideration and weighed heavily.” 

 

Shuffling noises against the kitchen tiles made Spock think that his mother was trying to decide whether or not to face his father. Whichever direction she chose he continued on.

 

“What I am concerned about, when it comes to his biology, is not a preference but an undeniable fact. We do not speak of it. Even now in the midst of our conversation I find myself...extremely unsettled by the discussion. However, I would have you understand me and my mind and I would have you understand him. He is a child of two worlds and he is Vulcan, Amanda.”

 

A ragged sniffle tickled Spock’s ears and he shuffled backwards not wanting to hear anymore. Before he could make it to the door and slip back inside his room, his mother spoke once more before she headed towards the staircase.

 

“Finish the cake Sarek. The guests are coming in the morning. I’ll do the rest in the morning and you can do whatever the hell it is you need to do, as you always do because it’s the fucking Vulcan way,” she sobbed. 

 

His mother came into his room as he expected but he feigned sleep as she tucked him in tighter and kissed the crown of his head. She smelled like she had when they visited the ocean; salty-sweetness. His mind listed the scents that drifted from her: ice cream, lotion, herself and saltwater. Spock knew where the scent of the latter came from and felt his emotions threaten to bring him into a similar state of melancholy. 

 

That morning as his parents prepared for his birthday celebration, the air was uncomfortably devoid of cheer. Spock sat at the table eating his breakfast, trying and failing to ignore the tension between his parents.

 

It didn’t lessen with the arrival of his classmates either. It became some sort of bizarre farce that the three of them put on together. His mother greeted everyone with her usual enthusiasm but there was an odd strain in her face and an odd inflection in her tone. His father maintained his typical composure but he appeared more rigid and reserved when he engaged others in conversation.

 

It was only Nyota’s presence that lessened Spock’s burden. The normalcy of her cheery disposition and natural excitement over the day of his birth amused him into a lighter sense of brevity. 

 

No ancient party games were performed but Spock and the rest of his neighbors and classmates were allowed to roam the backyard to their contentment. The parents looked on and spoke over refreshments, neither rushed to have their children back in their homes, or harried enough to stay later than was polite. When the cake was presented with the candles lit, his mother’s face highlighted in their glow, Spock’s lightened mood faltered.

 

She would ask him to wish and wishing was illogical. As if on cue she placed the frosted, two-tiered behemoth in front of him and put a hand on top of his shoulder. “Make a wish sweetheart.”

 

Spock stared at the dancing flames and the dripping wax tumbling down the tiny wax pillars. Movement beyond them caught his eye and he focused on Nyota’s snaggletooth grin. “Make a wish! Make a wish!”

 

Leonard shouted over her as he frowned at the wax droplets collecting around the frosting of his name. “Remember you can’t tell anybody your wish! Itsa secret!” 

 

Jim leaned over his shoulder and the scent of his sweat and sunscreen muffled the smell of sugar and fire. “I can help you blow out the candles! Here-”

 

He inhaled loudly and came up short as his mother snatched him back away from the cake. “It’s not your birthday, James! If Spock asks for help then you can do it but those are his candles to blow.” 

 

Spock glanced away from Ms. Winona and back towards the melting candles. No matter how unreasonable wishing was, Spock desperately wanted to do so now. There was a lot to wish for: for the ease of tension between his parents; for his bonding to be delayed or go smoothly; for him to favor his soon to be bondmate and for them to have an intense connection. 

 

“Make a wish, Spock, before the lights go out.”

 

Spock peered up to his mother’s face and then over to that of his friends. Nyota was still in the middle of the mob, her pigtails wild with frays and sun kissed at the ends. Her eyes found his and she favored him with another wide smile. Spock drew his eyes away and blew evenly across the candles much to his human friends’ delight. 

 

His mother set a furious pace in serving the boisterous adolescents, most likely in an aim to get all the families and their sugar-fueled children up and out of the house.

 

“What did you wish for?” Kirk asked between bites. “He’s not suppose ta say, Jim!” Leonard yelled, dropping cake out of his mouth in his energetic conviction. The rest of them weighed in on topic, informing him on what it was he should have asked for. Spock licked his lips and lowered his fork onto his plate. Darting his eyes from one face to the other, he twisted his mouth with a hint of a shrug. “Wishing is illogical. I, instead, chose the moment to reflect on people and things I am grateful for.”

 

As far as things went, he couldn’t have what he wanted.


	6. Scar tissue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarek's Vulcan dial is turned all the way up to extra

Spock very much loved field trips; especial those with a scientific context. Science gave him an unshakable foundation on which to stand and relate to the world around him. Whether on Earth or Vulcan, Andoria or Betazed, gravity still weighed him down to the ground and water was still comprised of the same set of hydrogen and oxygen atoms. 

 

His classmates seemed to like trips too but for reasons other than his own. More often it was for time out of school or the wonderment of visiting a new place. Nyota knew him however and indulged him as he gave into her scholastic flights of fancy.  

 

They trailed alongside each other peering into each exhibit with quietly whispered comments. Nyota always made stories for their trips and their visit to the zoo was no different. In this venture Nyota was an anthropologist not unlike his mother and he was a biologist out on safari. They were in search of their favorite animals and were making a study of their behaviors and those of the people around them. 

 

The stories differed but their game was the same, partners in crime or science for the most part. Nyota made them other things but she enjoyed their game most when Spock was truly engaged and for that she needed some semblance of reality.

 

They were older now but still within the realm of childhood. Nyota was nearly as tall as he was with scrawny legs and equally thin arms. His body was growing rapidly with his feet and hands leading the charge. His mother would often refer to him as young a canine or invading vegetation but his father often comment on his short stature. 

 

“He should be much taller for age. Our family has never had a member so small.”

 

Thoughts of his father brought forth the memory of the pale face Vulcaness who inhabited the back of his mind. For the most part they baffled one another. While on Vulcan they tested their bond from time to time, purely out of curiosity. With Spock back on Earth however the connection between them felt vague and distant.  Like one staring out onto the horizon through a haze of heat and the glare of the sun, T’Pring’s mind was visible but perplexingly ill-defined. 

 

When he mentioned this to his father, Sarek only responded with an order to practice his telepathy. Spock gripped his stylus harder as his emotions boiled up from their confines and moved him once more. He did not understand bonding.  He wasn’t certain as to why it had to be now or to someone he didn’t know, or why that someone had to be a Vulcan and not a human or a friend. Sarek’s nebulous explanations had left him with more questions than answers and his apprehension made Spock scared.

 

A loud snap followed closely by a piercing pain shocked Spock out of his thoughts as he glanced down to his hand to see the PADD stylus broken in his hand. One half of it had cut into his palm and sat wedged in between his thumb and forefinger.

 

Nyota stopped talking about the lions before them and looked down at his hand in horror. “Oh my God, Spock! Eww! Are you okay? How did you do that! That’s not funny!”

 

“It is not meant as a joke.” Spock mumbled back with a scowl. He flinched as she took hold of his hand and examined it for herself. Overwrought as he was, before Spock could put up a boundary to stop her emotions from bleeding over into him, Nyota’s mind slid into his. He became aware of her terrifying mix of hurt and disgust, hurt because he is injured and disgusted by the wound itself. He found another interesting emotion simmering below the others as she flipped his hand around and decided to question her over it. “What is appealing about it?”

 

“What?” Nyota paused with a frown. “ Appealing about what?”

 

He shrugged his shoulders and tried to explain himself. “My injury, you seemed...drawn towards something about it.” 

 

Nyota’s frown deepened as her mouth twisted to the side. “I don’t know...I mean your blood is kinda cool looking but that stylus looks so gross sticking out of your hand.”

 

Without a second thought Spock plucked the offending material from his palm and held it between his fingers. He looked up to find Nyota squealing and cupping her face with more commotion than he thought necessary. 

 

“Nyota, please, I will heal. Please calm down before the chaperone comes over…,” he pleaded in a near hiss between his teeth. It was to no avail. Nyota kept up her fretting and soon they stood in the shadow of Ms. Winona Kirk as she tsk’ed at them both and led them away towards the zoo’s clinic.  

 

“You have to say something immediately when something like this happens. I am responsible for you all while we’re out here,” she scolded them. She monitored the work of the unenthused clinician as he held Spock’s hand with a gloved fingers and stuck a bandage over the puncture wound.

 

Spock looked at the sticky swatch of cotton and fabric covering his hand and grimaced. Blood had stained it with a big green blotch that threatened to overtake the white.

 

“You’ll be fine now. I hear that Vulcans heal fast,” the clinician mumbled as he filed something away in his PADD.“ If you sign here ma’am, you all can be on your way.”

 

Ms. Kirk leveled an irritated glare at the man and took the PADD and a stylus. Spock did not trouble himself with either the attendant’s offhanded comments or his disinterested attitude. His life was full of assumptions about him. He was overly Vulcan. He wasn’t Vulcan enough. He had poor emotional control. He was repressed. He thought he was too good. He was a sullen boy with only a few friends that he earned out of pity. He would do best with a Vulcan as a bondmate.

 

The last conclusion still chafed at him. That no one seemed to know what was actually best for him made Spock feel isolated. However that didn’t stop them from trying to pass off opinions as facts. 

 

By his father’s logic, he should wed the young Vulcaness that a healer had bonded to him just a week earlier. Maybe the golden skin female with the same dark eyes as his own would do well as his wife. Somehow he doesn’t believe so. To him T’Pring was nice but a stranger. She seemed equally puzzled about their betrothal. 

 

When he first felt her mind it appeared T’Pring was looking to sort him out. Piece by piece she evaluated what she felt was human or Vulcan. Needless to say, he had been offended. He wasn’t some object to be dissected and pulled apart, he was a Vulcan the same as she. 

 

She had instantly rebuked him on it with the commonly quoted phrase. “No offense is given.” 

 

She said it earnestly with a heavy blink and waited for him to reply.

 

Spock knew in citing the Surak tenant she meant to defend herself and test his logic. She saw her divisive study as no more than an innocent exploration of her bondmate. Though he did not relish the thought, the need to have her understand her action nagged him to do what he did next. “Very well then. I shall have a turn.”

 

Pushing against her fingers, Spock minicked her intrusive observation. He had chosen to compare her to human females, namely Nyota as he knew her the best. It did not go over well.

 

The rest of Spock’s stay had been equally baffling. His father had carted him around Gol to visit relatives. Uncle Silek had been most pleased about their arrival, taking them out to dinner to celebrate the occasion. It was strange to taste dishes that were once so familiar that now seemed so peculiar. His mother made Vulcan dishes with ease thanks to the replicator but it was typically when his father was home to eat. Seeing Spock’s curious reaction to the food, his Uncle ordered him a sampler along with an assortments of desserts. He would wait until Spock had finished a bite to inquire over its qualities. It was this line of questioning that led Silek into asking about T’Pring.

 

“What do you think of your bondmate?” he asked once dinner had concluded. Spock sat staring down at the empty plate which had once held the cake like pudding.“ She is tall.” 

 

His uncle exchanged looks with his father and further engaged him on the matter. “Yes, that is probably so. Did you all find any common ground in which to relate?”

 

Spock thought to answer him with quarreling or confusion but thought better of it. His uncle meant no harm. “We both appear to have a fondness of observational sciences…,” he answered quietly.

 

Silek again looked to his brother and spoke in hushed tones. Soon after Silek saw them off to their cab. He rode along, reasoning that it was the same way and they would split the fare. Spock had closed his eyes and feigned sleep to avoid further questions but what followed discomforted him just as much.

 

“He does not seem taken to her Sarek.”

 

“Most are not when they first meet their arrangement.”

 

There was a pause as the noise of shifting fabric and the snick of a metal lock being released cut through the air. The scent of Bolian taboo tickled Spock’s nose as Silek drew at his pipe. “That is sound reasoning, but the boy almost seems sullen, as if he has chosen another. He has not has he?”

 

His father loudly inhaled and sighed into the quiet hum of the cab’s cabin. “How could he? There are no Vulcan females that are unbonded among us.”

 

“Yes but surely you have no shortage of human females or a few other species? Has he shown interest?”

 

“Nothing that I thought earned enough attention to entertain. He is close with many of his comrades but a Vulcaness will be best. Good for his control and soothing to his logic. They are children now but as they grow I feel confident that they will come to discover an interest in one another, if not contentment.”

 

His uncle had exhaled then, filling the flitter with the rushing sound of air and the smell of smoke. “A parent is in the best position to know what is best for their offspring. Spock’s melancholy might have to do with the culture shock of having been away for so long.”

 

The flitter slowed and hovered to a stop in front of what Spock assumed to be Silek’s domicile at the time. There was the noise of seat belts clicking and shuffling as he prepared to make his exit. Spock still held his eyes closed and listened as his uncle beseeched his brother. “When he is not schooling please feel free to take me up on the invitation to house him. He is an intelligent young one and agreeable company. Maybe with the visits could come a change of regard towards his chosen?”

 

Spock heard his father hum in agreement before giving his goodbyes. Spock rode stiffly in the cab all the way back to their hotel and again in the elevator. In his bed, he stared blankly at his hand. The same hand he and T’Pring had used during their quarrel, the same hand where he had made his friendship promise with Nyota. The same hand which he held in front of him now bandaged from one wound that he could heal and another he could not.

 

Because no one assumed he should trouble himself over such pain, Spock assumed that he didn’t have to either. Spock cast off the memory of Vulcan, bonding and the pain therein as he rose from his chair. He followed Nyota and Ms. Kirk out to see the rest of the zoo, absently picking at is bandage. 

 

He never did lose the scar it made.


	7. Hanukkah in July

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There seems to be a growing distance between Nyota and Spock and Amanda seeks to assure Nyota that they are still friends.

What had once been her favorite time of year soon became a season of dread. As the school year would wrap up Spock would prepare to stay at his Uncle’s house on Vulcan, leaving Nyota behind to her own devices. 

 

He didn’t seem anymore enthused about it than Nyota but he went without a quarrel and always promised her that he would write and bring a gift. Her excitement about the letters and knickknacks was short lived when she had to make do without her best playmate and friend, or perhaps just a good friend of convenience since he lived so close.

 

There was a space that was growing between them that she just couldn’t shake. Since they joined the ranks of the academy’s student body, they had made new friends. 

 

Kirk and Leonard had fast become friends with Spock. More often than not Nyota came over to his house to find Leonard playing galactic overlords of the 5th dimension on his comm console or Kirk raiding his fridge before they set off on their own adventures. While she wasn’t left out of their play neither was she invited to join in.

 

Mrs. Amanda, perhaps out of pity, took Nyota under her wing. In the past three summers, Nyota had learned to make challah, haroset, hamentashen and her new favorite latkes. Nyota got the distinct impression that Spock’s mother enjoyed having her around as much as she did. Amanda would call her over and make two batches of whatever they were making, one to teach with and one for Nyota to take home. 

 

It was on one such afternoon that Nyota found herself asking about the uncomfortable air between Spock and herself to Amanda. “Spock and I are still friends right?”

 

They were in her kitchen preparing sufganiyot dough. The question came simply enough but had Amanda fumbling with what to say. She placed the dough she had been rounding into a ball between her palm onto the floured countertop. “Honey, why of course you are! What,... why would you say that?”

 

Nyota dropped her gaze to the pile of dough she was picking at and shrugged her shoulders. “I dunno. It just feels like he doesn’t wanna play with me anymore. He just wants to hang out with Kirk and Leonard and then he goes off to Vulcan…”

 

Amanda sighed heavily and stared at her for a moment.  “I see how you could think that.”

 

She bent down and balanced on the balls of her feet to make her eyes level with her. Her hands were still pale with flour when she placed them onto Nyota’s shoulders. “Listen, sweetheart. You are a very good friend to Spock. You mean a lot to him. Boys don’t show it the way girls do. As a Vulcan, he also fails sometimes to think about the emotional reaction others have to his actions.”

 

Nyota nodded half-heartedly and Amanda planted a kiss on her forehead. “You and your family mean so much to all of us. We’re better for it.” 

 

She rose up and walked over to the sink to wash her hands. “I know I am. I missed having a girl around. Much more logical if you ask me,” she teased.

 

Laughing, Nyota resumed making the small dough as Amanda joined her back at the kitchen island. Amanda had dried her hands.  Hmmm, she intoned thoughtfully. “I suppose you’ve never met Michael, have you?”

 

“No I haven’t.” 

 

Nyota had only heard about Michael in bits in pieces from Spock over the years. She was in Starfleet. Apparently she wanted to go to Vulcan’s Science Academy but their father thought better of it. It backfired in a fashion as she went onto to be both infamous and well-respected. Backfired because he had meant for Michael to have an illustrious but quiet career. On the starship Discovery she had been anything but quiet.

 

She had since retired with a bondmate and was raising three kids on a terraforming colony on Alpha Centauri VI. She sometimes sent Spock letters and gifts, much like he sent Nyota when he was away but other than that they had very sporadic contact with each other.

 

Amanda chuckled softly and smiled. “Spock’s a lot like her. Always trying to find the proper way of doing things but going about it the wrong way.”

 

She put down a ball and gathered more dough in her hand. “The need to be a civil Vulcan doesn’t always gel with the desire to fit in among humans. Right now, he’s trying very hard to fit in with his male peers and still respect his father’s wishes.”

 

Amanda retrieved a wrap wand from the kitchen drawer closest to her and waved it over the plate of dough to rest it in the statis fridge. Nyota watched her work with another question on her mind. “So that means not hanging out with me?”

 

Amanda chuckled and shook her head as she started on another plate of balled dough. “No, Nyota.  It means that boys however well meaning aren’t always conscientious. You all are children and that means you’re still learning how to do things and treat people the way they should be. Spock knows you are a good friend to him but I don’t think he’ll understand how rare it is, the closeness you two share.”

 

Nyota nodded, satisfied now she wasn’t being put off. She also knew she was just as culpable in the growing distance now between them. She had invited Charlene to walk home with them as she lived in the same neighborhood. She and Janice would bike to each other’s houses and then to the supermarket for sweets and carbonated drinks. Christine loved to invite them all out to the mall to people watch and try on clothing. Her mother would tell her when Spock had come by to see her and she knew he was probably feeling left out as well. Nyota twisted her lips and sighed. “Yeah, it’s hard.”

 

They finished balling the dough while Amanda regaled her with stories of Michael and Spock growing up. It seemed like they were quite the duo and when their elder brother Sybok was still around they were unstoppable.

 

Nyota laughed as Amanda recalled the story of Michael cutting baby Spock’s first bang with her safety scissors. Another one was how Sybok would play tickle monster with them and scandalize his father with his siblings’ laughter. Her favorite story was Sybok’s bar mitzvah and how beautifully the kids sang along with him as he read the Torah.

 

“They weren’t supposed to, it was for Sybok to do. But it was so nice hearing them chant it together so melodically even if they’re faces held none of the warmth their voices had.”

 

“Wait? Spock? Singing?”

 

“Chanting,” Amanda smirked, fetching the first plate of dough. She tested it with a nudge of her finger and placed it down in front of the stovetop. “He’ll never admit to singing.”

 

She gestured for Nyota to bring the cloth-covered plates over and turned on the stovetop’s eye. “Maybe I’m getting nostalgic too. Who makes Hanukkah donuts in the middle of summer?”

 

“I like them,” Nyota chimed. Spock always brought some over to her during the holiday. She would try and eat a few before handing them over to her parents but gave herself away with the powdered sugar lining her lips. 

 

Her parents would click their tongues at her and scold her. “Just delivered, eh? Nice of you to share with us.”

 

She would make sure that got all of them this time. Mrs. Amanda did not like to keep sweets in the house unless Spock and Sarek were both planetside. She said something about mindless snacking and widening thighs. Nyota handed her a metal slotted spoon to start plopping them into the warming oil.

 

Amanda thanked her and praised the hearty sizzle they made as she gently spooned them in. “Now we’re cooking. What jam do you want to fill your donuts with?” 

 

“Peach.”

 

Amanda chuckled in surprised and went to the cupboard. “I had raspberry and strawberry ready but let me see if we have any peach around. At least you didn’t ask for grape like Spock. Yuck.”

 

Nyota laughed and shrugged her shoulders. “Grape is good too.”

 

Amanda groaned and handed her the small jar of Bellini jam. “Darling, it’s the donuts that you think are good, not the jam. Oh shoot, these are almost ready. Stir that jar up so we can get ready to fill them.”

 

Nyota obeyed as Amanda scooped them out onto the the clothed plate and loaded up the next batch. They worked in relative silence as Spock’s mother taught her to make the holiday confection. Nyota pained over each step as if it were a study guide and demo’ed the next batch with flying coloring. 

 

Amanda gave a little cheer and rubbed her shoulders. “That was excellent darling. None of my kids can cook like you. The closest is probably Michael and she burnt every batch of Sufganiyot she ever cooked.”

 

Nyota laughed at the snide complaint and gasped as she overfilled the donut she was attending to. Amanda clucked her tongue and picked it up. “Looks like this one needs to be the taste test victim. Want to do the honors?”

 

Nyota nodded eagerly and hummed as the warm dough tore apart between her teeth. As she filled and sugar-coated the others Amanda wrapped up a few for her to take home. She hovered over the basket before shooting Nyota a smile that didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Hey...why don’t you write a letter to Spock telling him a little of what you told me today.”

 

She handed over the bowl and Nyota took it with a look of confusion on her face. “Really?”

 

“ Oh yes.” she assured her, cleaning off her hands on a dish rag. “ He’ll be happy to hear from you and even more receptive to what you have to say.”

 

“Okay, I will.”

 

She reached out and cupped Nyota face. Amanda looked happier than Nyota could remember her being in recent years and that made her happy as well. Amanda had always been nice to her. “What a sweet girl. May Yahweh bless you.”

 

Nyota smiled and bid her goodbye. She had mixed feelings on writing Spock but she was overdue on her reply to his last letter.

 

It hadn’t even been a full two days before she heard her PADD chime. She was on her bed sorting disk chips when she saw the incoming message. Ever one for privacy, Nyota got up and closed the door before opening it up.

 

Spock was diligent in his writing as he was with most duties. Every week her personal PADD would ping with the notification that he had written and Nyota ritualistically read his communications.

 

As with any other reading Nyota make a nest of her bedding and faced the window towards his house. She wasn’t expecting much out of the letter. Most of them were like his first creative writing assignment, somewhat...dry. Nyota didn’t want to say boring but being eleven years old and used to more dramatic forms of conversation (in her opinion…) she couldn’t find a better word.

 

She opened it up and immediately paused. This latest letter troubled her. Unlike the rest, Spock had opened up about himself. And while it was typical of his behavior when they interacted face-to-face, this was a missive. It wasn’t typical for him.

 

It read more like a diary page. It was emotional. She flopped down onto her belly to read it for a third time:

 

_ Nyota, _

 

_ It is the 26th standard day of July on Terra. Today’s activities included hiking around The Forge, reciting all the tenants of Surak and tending to my Uncle’s garden.  _

 

_ The Forge is where Surak became enlightened and wrote his tenants. Many scholars believe because of its harsh conditions on the outside and haven within, The Forge was seen as a metaphor of the mind to Surak when he came here. In some ways it has given me peace. There are some circumstances that I have found troubling for quite some time.  _

 

_ I have not seen a way around it nor have I devised a solution. In the face of this obstacle I have found peace in knowing that peace itself is hard to obtain for everyone. It makes me feel not alone and in that belonging, normal. _

 

_ I have enjoyed gardening with my uncle a great deal. He is patient with me and receptive to my questions no matter how remedial. He is also a well versed chef and cooks what he grows. He has taught me how to make a custard that I believe you would enjoy given what I know you like. Perhaps when I return we could start a garden outside of the miniature Vulcan domicile in my backyard? From it we could collect produce enough to make the dishes I have learned to make here? Would you like that?  _

 

_ I wish you could come with me when I leave out for Vulcan. You would get to see the houses at full scale and see The Watcher up close and not as a hologram in the window. We could go mining and add to my geological collection. I could finally show you my father’s Sehlat that we left with family and visit the Golian zoo to see a wild one. They are quite different I assure you. Like dogs to wolves.  _

 

_ All of this we could do but I do not believe our parents would let us do so. Your parents because of the gravitational pressure and thin oxygen and mine, or rather my father, because he would see it as a needless imposition placed on my Uncle. _

 

_ Gardening with you back on Terra is a poor substitute but out of everyone that I know, you would enjoy it the most. I have sent a number of seeds ahead of me so that you may get started without me. They are full shade flowering perennials here on Vulcan, whose blooms are Green. On Terra with its one star you will most likely have to adapt the conditions to get it to germinate. I think its treatment should mimic that of a desert succulent for best results. I will leave you to experiment with them as you wish. _

 

_ Spock _

 

Nyota rolled away from her PADD and onto her back. She held one hand in the other and absently picked at the nail polish chipping at the ends. She felt...weird but why? Maybe things felt weird because he hadn’t been around recently?

 

It felt like he should be here. The habits and routines they had built together were hard to break but there was little Nyota could do to relieve it. Amanda let on how much Spock had missed her; was it only missing her company or was her next door Vulcan missing  _ her _ ?

 

Nyota chewed her lip. She hadn’t really liked a guy before but...with all the things Spock had said…

 

She shook her head and left the PADD on her bed. It wasn’t until she got the seed in the mail that she decided to reply and only then with a thank you. 


	8. Chapter 8

Adolescence was easy for neither of them but Spock had the brunt of it when it came to looks. Doctors theorized he would have two separate phases to his puberty, one for his human biology and the other for his Vulcan. Right along with the others, the young Vulcan took on a host of annoyances as his body worked to grow.

 

At random intervals he found his bones aching for no reason. The throbbing sensation of his joints was dull compared to the burning sting of cystic acne taking over his face. 

One of his eight adult canines was coming in crooked through the gum line and required a number of dental interventions to straighten out the row as it should be.

 

His limbs lengthened with little muscle to speak of, making him appear frail and awkward. The tips of his ears fought his hair every morning as he sought to cover their size. His chest remained thin and flat, not at all tapered like that of his father. When he walked, his arms would swing ridiculously about him due to the large set of his shoulders. It was what initially led to him habitually hold his hands behind his back.

 

Lumbering around the school, Spock felt like a big, giant beast compared to his fully human classmates. Other aliens were caught in similar throes but seemed to have a more merciful transition. Many times Spock found himself glaring at the smooth faced Andorians admiring the new ridges on their antenna. 

 

The Caitians were equally graced. Their kitten like faces were morphing into something more regal with lush manes and silky whiskers.  _ Of course their canines came in straight, I have the worst symptoms, _ Spock thought bitterly to himself. That is until Nyota was absent for school.

 

She was rarely ever late and only unable to attend when she was truly ill or an emergency arose. Spock waited for her at the bus stop but she never arrived. He sat in homeroom staring at her empty chair wondering about her welfare. It was unusual that she should be gone. Why did she not comm him to say she would not be attending school?

 

And in a moment of clarity it dawned on him. His friend was going through same wretched bout of hormones that his body was battling. He glanced around the room and noticed the changes among his human female classmates.

 

Their faces were shiny with oil and acne, chests now pushed against their uniform dress shirts. And for some there was a change he could not readily see but heard of in health class. Menstruation.

 

It all seemed terrifying to Spock but no one seemed particularly worried about it. If this were the case for Nyota, he would want to be there for her. They had done everything else together, why not this?

 

True to his conviction, Spock spent the rest of the day preparing to visit her house. The time he typically spent completing his homework, the young Vulcan used to visit the supermarket located between their neighborhoods. His purchased items garnered him quite a bit of attention. The middle-aged cashier looked as if she would burst holding in the questions that no doubt filled her mind, but he made it out without incident.

 

He arrived at Nyota’s home and walked up the driveway. The sides were lined with the mature Vulcan seedlings of Klara he had sent her two years ago and blooming a strange color of orange instead of green as it grew on foreign soil under an unfamiliar sun. Mr. Uhura had been undecided about their pink foliage. 

 

Her mother answered the door. It was another troubling sign. Nyota loved to answer the door. The times that her parents had been the ones to answer the door for him hung steady in the single digits.

 

Mrs. Uhura greeted him warmly, giving him the same smile Nyota made. “My, my. Spock! It’s so good to see you. Here to see Nyota I suppose?”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” he nodded, shifting the bag in his arms. Her eyes dart down to the brown sack and glittered with pleasure. “Nyota will be happy to see you. She has been under the weather and could use the company. Go on upstairs, then. I will be making tea. You already know not to close the door.”

 

“Yes ma’am,” he answered. 

 

It was a rule that was made for cultural decorum as much as it was for propriety. What her parents thought she and Spock might do behind closed doors he did not entertain because he knew their sensibilities. 

 

Nyota was impulsive and often times brash but never in a way that was untowards his person. He could never see her trying to do something immodest.They were good friends and he was bonded.  _ Besides,  _ he thought,  _ I look rather ghastly.  _

 

He quietly made his way up the stairs and turned towards her room. Discomfort roiled in his belly as silence enveloped him. Why had she not called out for him? Surely she heard the doorbell and her mother speaking with him downstairs? 

 

Unnerved he made the short trip down the hall in three, large steps. “Nyota?”

 

\----- Nyota’s POV

 

Nyota sniffled and rolled over to face the door. Spock stood just within the threshold, watching her with a grave expression on his face as he noted her tears. “You are in pain.”

 

“It’s better than when I was in school the day before,” she told him attempting to mollify him and change his expression. She did not like it when he stared at her like that. She was not dying, just bleeding. “Are you going to continue to stand in the door or are you going to come over here?”

 

Spock slowly made his way over to the bed. She smoothed out the covers and he sat neatly on the edge. He held a bag in his hands and brought it up for her to retrieve. “I brought your homework and gave it to your mother. It’s downstairs on your dining room table.”

 

Nyota took the paper bag from his hands and looked at him curiously. “ Then what’s this?”

 

Spock gazed at her from where she was lying on the bed and nodded towards the bag. “Provisions.”

 

Nyota uncurled the top of the bag as she shot him a skeptical look and gasped at it contents. Heat rushed over her in a silent, morbid wave. “No...oh no.”

 

She looked again and felt her embarrassment double. “Spock…” she groaned. 

 

Down along the bottom of the bag, angled against the pleated sides, were boxes of pads and tampons. From the wide variety it looked like Spock had been had by the sales clerk. There were easily ten items of both feminine product. 

 

Looking at the labels and the advertising it was more likely that he had researched and taken the product reviews into account. Nyota knew this about Spock but as much as she could tick off his habits, her best friend and Vulcan neighbor still surprised her with what issues he chose to address.

 

When she did not follow up after saying his name Spock rummaged in the bag and went on, none the wiser to her humiliation. “From what I could gain from the short survey I conducted at school...”

 

“Wait! You did a survey at school over my period!?!” she shrieked. 

 

Spock blinked down at her hands as she inadvertently tore the bag open and puzzled over her reaction.  “Not over your menstruation cycle but over the quality and comfort of feminine hygiene products among the female population.”

 

“Oh my God...kill me now…” she groaned once more, in a tearful refrain. She didn’t even want her stupid period now that she knew what it was like. The pain of the cramps and the messiness of trying to keep it in check was more than she bargained for. Nyota hadn’t told anyone but the teacher, the nurse and her mother but now, thanks to Spock, half the school knew that she was bleeding uncontrollably. 

 

She sobbed before she could stop herself and stopped Spock in his tracks. “Nyota…? Are you still in pain? I also retrieved pain medication.”

 

He pushed his hand around the ruined bag and fished out a small blue bottle from the bottom. “These are supposed to be specially formulated for pain management for uterine contractions but from what I can read on the label it is nothing more than acetaminophen coupled with a diuretic and caffeine.” 

 

Nyota cried louder and pulled a pillow over her face. God, he just didn’t get it. He was still talking and pulling items free from the bag but she wasn’t listening. How could he just go and tell everyone? “Spock, I didn’t ask you to do this!”

 

He blinked at her and tilted his head. He seemed unphased by her outburst as he continued to try and coddle her. “I brought you something else as well though you mustn’t tell my parents.”

 

That caught her attention. Spock wasn’t one to keep secrets. Yet he said his last few words in a near whisper. Nyota perched herself up onto her elbows and watched as he carefully extracted three chocolate candy bars from the paper sack. 

 

Nyota clapped her hands over her mouth and glanced over at the door. Blessedly her mother had remained downstairs. She snatched the bars out of his hand and put them under her duvet. “Spock!” she hissed through her teeth. “You could be grounded for a century if you got caught buying chocolate!”

 

He cast his gaze away and stared down at his hands. “The cashier didn’t know that it wasn’t something I could have. He didn’t even ask. And...I was told that chocolate could help you…”

 

He turned crestfallen at her chastisement. Nyota took a deep breath and shook her head with a sigh. Spock wasn’t always savvy with what to do but she knew for a fact he had put himself at risk of being punished just to help her. 

 

With her tone much softer, Nyota started again. “Help me how? What could chocolate possibly do that you would risk getting into trouble with your parents and the cops?”

 

“I was told that it would be good for morale, that it could make you happy. I just...I thought you might be sad and if chocolate could help, it was an action I was willing to take.”

 

Nyota winced as Spock’s sincerity to see her well lanced through her chest. “Oh Spock. Look it’s really sweet but I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.”

 

He nodded but rebuffed her concerned with his voice cracking between child and adulthood. “We are friends. Friends look out for each other.”

 

His hand rested on the duvet beside her leg. Nyota placed hers over it and gave it a squeeze. A smile tugged at his lips while her mouth split into a full-blown grin. He felt warm. “Yeah, we do. But promise me you won’t pull a stunt like that again! Just because you weren’t caught this time doesn’t mean you’ll be so lucky next time.” 

 

Spock stared down at their hands and quietly withdrew his own. “There is no such thing as luck. Merely consequences.”

Her smile faded as she took in the change in his mood. Now he seemed to be the one in need of cheering up.

 

Nyota took her hand back and fished the candy bars out from beneath her covers. “Be that as it may, smartass, I’m not going to have you get filleted by your dad just because you wanted to get me something to cheer up.”

 

Spock ran his tongue over the bar of his retainer in an irritated fidget. This probably wasn’t going over as he previously imagined. “Very well. What would be an acceptable substitute to making you happy?”

 

At that Nyota grinned and snuggled down deeper into her bed. “Read to me please. I don’t care what. Baba says I’m too old to be read to now but I love it.”

 

Spock only gave her a nod and shifted to pull his comm free of his back pocket. “I’m currently reading the first novel Tom F.P. published. I’ll start over so we may read it together.”

 

Nyota stretched across her mattress and beamed up at his face. “I’m all yours. Read away.”

 


	9. Betrayal by hormones

When had it happened?

 

Nyota tapped her stylus against her desk with a steady tip tip tip. The equation she had been working waited patiently for her to pay attention but Nyota felt...uncomfortable. 

 

She had a new problem that had been far more interesting to puzzle over. 

 

It was sitting across the room from her in the form of her best friend of nine years. He was bent over his PADD with his stylus in hand, studiously filling it out. Completely oblivious to her awareness of him.

 

He looked just as she had known him from years ago. His fringe was still straight as the horizon. His vague expression continued to border between apprehensive and thoughtful. He still towered over her like a long, pale shadow. He was still Spock, however looking at him now caused her stomach to flip down and up into her chest. 

 

She swallowed and tapped her foot against the desk in front her. She didn’t want to feel the way she did but she couldn’t ignore it. Try as she might her body wouldn’t let her see him as  _ just _ a friend. He was a male too. One that was looking...well, kind of cute. 

 

She rubbed a sweaty palm against the pleat of her skirt and resumed staring at her quiz. What was her problem?! Spock was like a brother to her. They were much too close for her to feel  _ this _ way about him…, weren’t they? 

 

“Nyota, cut it out! You keep kicking my desk!” Christine hissed. Nyota turned her head to see Christine pale bright pink with irritation. She followed Nyota’s gaze to where Spock was sitting. A wide smile spread across her face that didn’t quite meet her eyes. “Distracted I see.”

 

Caught red-handed, Nyota flustered and glanced down at her PADD. “Sorry, I zoned out.”

 

“I’ll say you’re only on page two.”

 

“Girls, do we have a problem here?” 

 

The pair cast their gaze over towards their teacher and both shook their heads.

 

“Oh no, not at all.” Christine gushed. “ I was only trying to get Nyota to stop hitting my desk with her big foot.”

 

“I said I’m sorry.”

 

Her own irritation was growing as more and more people stopped what they were doing to access them. She felt hot and exposed as if they all knew what she had been thinking. What she shouldn’t entertain. “I didn’t see that I tapping your desk and not my own.”

 

“Well maybe if you stop staring at Spo- OWW!”

 

Nyota hds shot her foot out and connected with the back leg of Christine’s chair. She gasped in mock horror and covered her mouth for affect. “Oh my gosh, Christine, I am SO sorry. Here let me move back so I don’t hit your chair anymore.”

 

“You did it on purpose!” 

 

The teacher sighed and put his PADD down with a thunk. “You two get this sorted out quick or I’ll send you both down to Mrs. Geraghty’s office.”

 

Nyota got up and moved to the back of the room with another apology and Christine glared at her the whole while. 

 

When she dared to look up again, Spock was staring dead at her. Her breath stuttered to a stop as her throat tightened. Her eyes searched his face for some reason that he should be staring at her but before any hints could be found, he slowly turned away and went back to his test.

* * *

 

Later that week

 

The pair had lingered outside in Spock’s backyard. They had slowly made their way towards the front door but hadn’t gone any further than the patio.

 

Maybe it was because they were teenagers. Maybe it was because things were said in such a way that got the other thinking. Maybe it was because both had a kindred confession of never being kissed before. And maybe Spock, ever the pragmatic partner in crime, thought it would be best to absolve the condition with help of the other.

 

It was only sensible, perhaps even logical but neither one could voice this.

 

Nyota scooted closer, her leggings making a sweeping noise against the wicker chair as she went. Spock’s eyes never left hers, looking for all the world darker and larger than she had ever seen them.

 

She paused midway in her approach towards his face, suddenly shy of what he might think of her after. Would the feeling of her alien mind disgust or intrigue him? Would she feel mushy and cold to his lips when she kissed Spock?

 

The uncertainty in her mind was forgotten when his mouth finally came down against hers.  _ Warm _ she thought with her lips pressed firmly against his own. Her nails bit into the flesh of her palm as she fought hard not to touch him but for whatever reason the urge to do so grew the longer they pressed their mouths together. 

 

After a moment Nyota wondered if she was doing it right, as not much else was happening but when he opened his mouth to hers, Nyota forget all else around her.

 

That gnawing feeling to touch him broke free at the swipe of his tongue and sent Nyota’s hands into his palms. A pleased noise filled her mouth as Spock answered her link with entwining their fingers. 

 

The warm sensation of exploring their mouths went into something deeper, drowning out every reason they had to stop. It wasn’t human but it wasn’t quite Vulcan either, it was them. Spock tested bringing their palms together and was rewarded with a pining sigh from her throat into his. 

 

Yours. The both of them froze mid shift as the unspoken word registered within their minds. Who had said,...no that wasn’t right, who had thought that? And better yet, how was it that they knew that the other had ‘heard’ it?

 

Nyota opened her eyes to find Spock staring back with wide eyes. He didn’t look sure as to what happened but he...felt more confident as to the possible reason why. Begrudgingly they pulled their lips away from the other, though their hands remained linked by their fingers.

  
  



	10. Don't kiss and tell

 

“Christine sure got tall.”

 

Spock trained his gaze to the aforementioned blonde and hummed in agreement. She had indeed grown taller over the summer as had most of the girls. Maybe her height was more noticeable because she towered over the other girls in line beside her.

 

It was field and track practice for the girl’s team along with the cheerleaders. Both activities had a large sample of the academy’s male population in attendance. Kirk, Leonard and a few other boys had gathered around the field’s fenced perimeter to see what they could after a whole summer of changes. Spock took it all with a passing interest but enjoyed the gathering’s camaraderie more than the gawking. 

 

Kirk was slung over the black railing of the fence, arms prompt along top of the black metal as he clutched his empty soda can. He was chewing at the straw, thoughtfully looking over the cheerleaders as they ran through their tumbling exercises. “Janice has a new haircut.” 

 

The five males surrounding him turned their heads not unlike spectators in a tennis match and nodded in unison. “It isn’t a cut that I would choose for my girl but I like the longer length of it well enough.” 

 

Spock blinked and tilted his head at the comment. Were they supposed to be pairing themselves off? 

 

“Rand has the nicest pair of legs in the whole school.” Kirk said leaning heavily on the wall. McCoy hummed while Leslie chuckled with a nod at their friend’s assessment. Spock peered out from the crowd over to where the girls were talking on the quad. 

 

He had to admit the ‘popular’ girls did make quite an attractive sight. In the spirit of camaraderie Spock shocked them all, weighing in with his opinion. “Rand does in fact have nice legs but I believe Uhura has the most sexually attractive figure among them.”

 

Kirk’s eyes went wide, McCoy’s jaw went slack while Leslie doubled over in hissy laughter. Spock turned his gaze to find all three of them were smiling over in his direction. 

 

Hendorff stood off to the side, shuffling his feet and scowling down at the ground. He did not smile along with the others but said nothing, leaving Spock to speculate. Kirk drew his attention away before he could question Hendorff’s sulkiness. “And what would you know about her figure, Spock?”

 

They leaned closer as he turned his head back towards the field. His eyes found her easily. Her bright brown skin shone like polished copper in the late afternoon sun. Spock found that the Sun and her presence both warmed him, albeit in slightly different ways.

 

He stalled a bit more on Kirk’s question, not sure how much, if anything, he should divulge.  _ Nyota and I kissed  _ he wanted to say. He pondered what he should say rationalizing that the kiss had been for practice after all. 

 

Neither wanted to go to their respected mates with no knowledge of how to kiss, he rationalized.  But he also the experience had been momentous for him. His first kiss was his best friend’s as well and he felt that the kiss had deepened their friendship. He wasn’t certain to what extent but something between them felt like it had changed.

 

Be that as it may, he was bonded. Being spoken for it made his admission to touching Nyota feel sordid but no one in school knew about it. He hadn’t been allowed to speak about it. His father, in his logic, strongly deterred him from discussing Vulkusu mating traditions. He said it would cause an upset with some of the human parents because they would consider it taboo. Besides, Vulcans do not speak of it. 

 

Like mother, Spock thought, recalling the memory of the night before his seventh birthday party. She wanted him to be able to choose a bondmate. His father had pressed that waiting to do so would bring his possible chances of having a Vulcan mate down to nil. He didn’t understand his father’s urgency on the matter or why he had been so narrow-minded in this regard. Whatever his reasons, they all avoided the subject with terse conversations and long stretches of silence.

 

Perhaps his father’s logic in the matter would prove him right and give Spock a sense of peace in the future. As it remained, he felt a gnawing sense of discomfort, like a pebble in his shoe.

 

“I know what her figure feels like,” he answered finally, a reply that said nothing as to how long and where. He mentally complimented himself for his discretion right before he realized he had responded horribly wrong. His friends nearly leaped onto him as they set upon him with question after question. 

 

“What?! You guys made out?” Kirk screeched with a cracking voice. 

Leslie chanted a breathless mantra of ‘Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God’ between enthusiastic cackling.

 

“Get out of here! Spock, I didn’t know you had it in you!” McCoy chuckled, clapping him on the back. He followed up with grabbing him around the back of the neck and gave him what Spock assumed to be a playful shake. “Guys ain’t supposed to kiss and tell you know.”

 

Spock felt an immediate sense of dread at his proclamation. Not supposed to tell? But they asked? And...why would they ask if he was not supposed to tell them. He bit at his lip hoping that because he did not admit to the kiss his predicament would be easily side-stepped but it was immediately apparent that there was no chance of that.

 

Leslie stopped chanting and rushed up closer. “What was it like? Didja get to touch her boobs?”

 

Kirk smacked Leslie across the back of the head and hissed at him. “Dude, rude!”

 

He turned and gave Spock a sheepish grin. “But really did you touch ‘em?”

 

Spock was flustered, his mouth agape. He hadn’t meant for this to happen. It was exactly what he was trying to avoid. His eyes darted from face to eager face before resting on McCoy’s. “I am not allowed to kiss and tell.”

 

McCoy twisted his mouth and nodded with a shrug. “Yeah that’s true but since you started you can’t stop now. It’s the rules, you see?”

 

“Rules?” Spock sputtered. There were more rules to the rule? What were they? How many of them were there? 

 

“You’re a real dick you know that?” 

 

The four of them froze and snapped their heads towards the accuser. Hendorff stood off to the side glowering at him, face red with anger. Spock blinked in shock and shook his head in confusion. “Why would you say that?”

 

“You think you’re some big shot for hooking up with Uhura?!” he spat, foaming at the corner of his mouth. Hendorff’s body trembled as he worked to contain his rage. “Think you’re somebody now that you two go out now?”

 

Kirk’s eyes went round while McCoy stepped out of the way towards the fence. Spock held his hands at his side and clenched his jaw. He had it all wrong but he was telling fiction as fact. “It’s not as you say it is. We are not dating.”

 

Leslie glanced between them as Hendorff leaned forward and balled his fists. “What? Why wouldn’t you? You just said she’s the hottest female in school but you’re gonna sample her and toss her away like nothing! You’re the one that’s space trash if that’s how you treat people!”

 

Spock’s nose flared as he stepped closer to his fuming classmate. Spock had his share of conflicts back on Vulcan but his life on Terra had been relatively placid, until now. “Do not say you know something you know nothing about,” he growled.

 

All too late did he realize he was sneering. He worked to fix his face while Leslie stood between them. “Not cool, Hendorff.”

 

The large boy jabbed his finger angrily between the two of them while coming closer. “I know Vulcans cannot lie but I can’t believe Uhura let  _ you _ touch her!” 

 

Spock sidestepped Leslie and raised his voice. “What are you insinuating?”

 

Kirk’s brows furrowed as he noticed their group was gaining attention from others near the track’s stands. “Hey guys, cool it.” 

 

McCoy, going a step further, placed his hands on Hendorff’s chest to help push him back. “Hey, hey Jason. Calm down, we understand why you’re pissed. But what do we know? Maybe it was Uhura who didn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend with lover boy here because he was bad kisser or something?”

 

Hendorff shook his head and turned an even brighter shade of red. Knuckles white from the strength of his clutch, he launched into another tirade. “I wish! I see the way she looks at him though. Like he’s the second coming and we’re all Klingon Gagh!”

 

Spock wrinkled his nose at the reference and huffed. “She looks at me as she does because we are good friends. We are close.”

 

“A little too close if you ask me! Do your parents know that you guys are making out? I’m sure your snooty daddy would pitch a fit if he knew,” he spat back at him. His eyes brightened as he saw Spock’s face flinch from his verbal assault. “Ha! Careful Spock, you might show everyone you care what we think.”

 

Hendroff pushed past McCoy as if he were pushing away a clingy toddler to stand face to face with Spock. He was tall for a boy his age, stocky with a large head. Being short for an average Vulcan Spock stood eye to eye with the furious teen. “You too good for her? Is she not good enough for you? What? Did she not put out for you when you decided to pay her attention? News Flash! Earth girls aren’t easy, you alien piece of shit! Uhura will never fuck someone like you.”   
  


Hendroff hit the ground and the crowd around them went silent. Spock stood breathing raggedly and glared down at him. There was an angry red swelling around the boy’s jaw and a throbbing pain radiating in his hand. He...he hit him? When? He didn’t even remember raising his hand?

 

Spock looked down at the split skin across his knuckles as a people rushed around him. A familiar voice murmured in the background before yelping in surprise. “ What?!”

 

He jerked his head up and found Nyota standing not even ten feet from him with a look of shock across her face. No...she can’t be here! She’ll get it all wrong. I didn’t mean it! I-

 

“ Nyota…” he started.

 

She tore her gaze away and glanced at the scene around them. Kirk was helping a scowling Hendroff up off the ground. McCoy was looking over his face mumbling something about being lucky while Leslie held off some boys that were angry on her on Hendroff’s behalf. 

 

“Please…” he pleaded. He didn’t know why he said it, only that he really felt it inside him towards her. He was ashamed. His actions had caused this and she would hate him for it.

 

But he didn’t know what she felt that day until much later. She met his eyes again and ran off for the gym. 

 

He was suspended for the next two weeks for the fight and didn’t see Nyota for another month. When he did find her she walked by with her head bowed and without a word to him.


	11. Unspoken words

When he returned home from school his parents were sitting at the table. 

 

He didn’t even have to see the look on his mother’s face to know something was terribly wrong. His father never sat at the table unless he had to eat and a quick sniff told him nothing had recently been cooked or consumed.

 

His mother looked like she had when she sat shiva for her deceased relatives, puffy eyed and morose. Had someone died again?

 

Spock put down his backpack, his eyes never leaving his parents as if they might disappear if he did. “What has happened?”

 

His father slowly turned to face him and opened his mouth. When nothing came forth Spock felt his chest constrict. 

 

What was so awful? He must know. “Father?”

 

His mother answered for him and took hold of his father’s hand. “Sybok is missing.”

 

Spock felt his confusion roll through him and threaten to contort his face. “Missing? How?”

 

By then his father had regained some of his composure and finally spoke. “We have been unable to locate him for sometime now. I believed him to be living by himself on the outskirts of Ara’Kahr but grew concerned when I had not heard from him in the last 6 months. My brother visited his dominicle and found it vacant. The home comm had been fitted with an auto response generator to any incoming missives. The programming had stalled as the comm requested a new mainframe for processing the coding. When checked, it appears to have stopped working around the time I stopped hearing from him.”

 

Spock stood in the foyer, turning over the information for hints as to the cause of Sybok’s actions. A thought came to him that he did not hear his father mention. “Did you not reach him through your bond?”

 

It was a well known practice on Vulcan to exchange thoughts, feelings or relay messages if an emergency arose. Their family was particularly strong in this regard as those in their lineage were strong telepaths.

 

His father gave a single shake of his head and inclined his gaze towards the table top. “All efforts to do so were unsuccessful. Sybok is as psionically gifted as I am if not more so. It would not be unreasonable to assume that he has blocked me from doing so.”

 

Spock straightened as he realized what else his father was saying. Sybok was either purposefully avoiding them or he was unable to do so. The only way that could happen was if he was in a comatose state or-

 

His body trembled and he cleared the tightness in his throat with a quiet cough. “I see. May I be excused?”

 

“Spock-” his mother started.

 

“-Of course. We shall be here if you should need us,” his father said cutting her off. She scowled at him and snatched her hand away from where he had been holding it and shook her head at him. “Sarek! I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t just cut me off. Our son is missing.”

 

“And our other is grieving. He will come back Amanda. Give him-”

 

Spock left out the backdoor and trailed into the Vulcan domicile replica. The fit was tighter now but he managed all the same. Tucking himself into a corner Spock folded his arms on top of his knees and rested his head on his forearms. 

 

He didn’t know where to start with Sybok’s disappearance. True they had grown more and more distant as they progressed in age but there was more to it. His brother had certainly had a difficult time growing up under Sarek’s headship. 

 

His father was quite traditional. Most people assumed otherwise with his choice of wife and career but Spock had experienced his parenting firsthand. 

 

Every rite and ceremony sacred to his father’s people was observed religiously and without question. Needless to say he was particularly sensitive on certain orthodox points, least of which were bonding and the practice of Surak’s tenants. 

 

In his father’s eyes it seemed they were all found to be lacking. Sybok wasn’t Vulcan enough and Michael was too much. Spock had been in a hellish limbo of sorts between the two as he strove like any child to make his parents proud.

 

In an effort to do what he thought was best for them, Sarek had steadily driven them away with his own anxiety-riddled image of how their lives should be. 

 

Spock didn’t believe for one second that any of them would question their father’s love and devotion, merely his means of expressing it. Spock loved both his parents but he had hurt them too. He never meant to, but summers away on Vulcan where he was subjected to the begrudging presence of his bondmate weren’t helping. And still he forged ahead as if T’Pring were enraptured with him.

 

Spock knew otherwise. The Vulcaness did not care for him but she cared about tradition. She was drawn to another despite their bond and their parents agreement. Instead of feeling betrayed or cuckolded, he empathized.  

 

A small knock on the replica house stirred him. He blinked at the light pouring in through the small window and he noticed the difference in its angle and color. He must have dozed off. The knock came again and Spock sat up higher against the wall. “You may enter.”

 

He smelled her before he saw her body creep inside, peering around to find him. Once her eyes landed on him Nyota smiled at him gently. “It’s smaller than I remembered.” 

 

“I concur,” he said, with a limp half-smile. Nyota caught the gesture before he could correct it and frowned. “You alright, Spock?”

 

“No.”

 

He shuddered and closed his eyes. Soft, cool arms went around his bent legs, hugging them tightly. Her cheek came down onto his forearm beside his head feeling for all the world softer than anything he could readily recall. He gradually opened his eyes to see her studying him with an unhappy face. “What happened? Your mom called me over here saying that you were upset.”

 

Spock thought back to when he had left the house and how distressed his mother had been. She had the luxury of showing it, not that he really wanted to. Having the option to do so still felt nice. “My brother is missing.”

 

She sat up and sadly removed her arms from around him. Spock hadn’t know how nice it had been to be embraced until she let him go. “Oh my God, Spock! What happened? Did the police call you guys? Holy shit!”

 

The embrace he craved was recreated in a full blown hug as she took his crouching form into her thin arms. “I’m so sorry. I am so so sorry. That’s horrible.”

 

Spock took a breath and steadied himself against the mental onslaught of her grief as she touched him. “What is is. We will either find him or not. No one has been able to find him or reach his mind.”

 

“Reach his mind? What do you mean?”

 

“Telepathically we can search, find and communicate with one another. Most Vulcan families can and do, though the frequency in which they do so is case by case.”

 

Nyota quietly sat back on her hunches. Spock could see her mind working over the information by the way she nibbled at her bottom lip. “I thought Vulcans were touch telepaths?”

 

She said this hesitantly but Spock was uncertain as to why. Perhaps she worried that he had read her mind without permission? He licked his lips and formed the best answer he could. “We are. We can only do this with family members because there are bonds between us. They are mental links that connect our minds together should we need each other.”

 

Nyota nodded slowly and considered his answer. “Oh! So that’s where the bondmates thing comes from. Your parents are linked together like that?”

 

“Precisely. Parents are linked to their children as well as a means of welfare and location should the need arise.”

 

Nyota’s gaze flickered from his hands to the space between him back to his face. Why was she looking him over? Whatever it was, she did not say as she continued along her line of questioning. “So this bond thing is why your dad is extra upset?”

 

“He is not upset. Disappointed perhaps but not sad. He is Vulcan.”

 

Nyota shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. “I dunno. Your mom is in their hugging him and he’s leaning on her as he talks to her.”

 

_ Like they had been doing _ , Spock thought curiously. Had Nyota hugged him earlier because she wished to or was she mirroring the actions of his mother as she comforted his father? He didn’t know if he’d favor either answer. 

 

He leaned his head back along the wall and peered at her through sleepy eyes. “Perhaps he is. He does not- cannot show it. He informed me that he can’t sense Sybok through the bond and that worries him because all other means of contacting him are moot.”

 

Nyota twisted her lips with a grunt. “I see. So your dad can’t find him. Can you? Are you bonded to him too?”

 

He took a deep breath and held it. “ Siblings are. I do not desire to.”

 

“What? Really? Why?”

 

Feeling free to do so in Nyota’s presence, Spock rubbed his face inside of his hands and sighed. “I am apprehensive about the outcome.”

 

“How so? Don’t you want to see your brother?”

 

“Yes. But I am not so sure that he wants to see me. Or can.”

 

Nyota grew quiet as she read between the lines he drew and nodded with a quiet exhale. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What is is,” he repeated, at a loss for words. Nyota drew up beside him and leaned onto his arm. The fall had seen him growing another 3 inches in height to the point where her head was no longer at his shoulder. He simultaneously despised and relished the feeling of being taller than his peers. The sensation he got being taller than Nyota however was quite different and not one he pondered consciously. 

 

They sat quietly inside the domicile until Sarek fetched them for dinner. Nyota joined them and Spock was grateful for it. His mother had always been cheered by her presence and today she needed that. 

 

“Spock, your father and I are going to Vulcan to see what we can do for Sybok. I’ve already called the Uhuras and if you need them they’re more than willing to take you in until we return.”

 

He nodded and looked at Nyota. “Thank you. I should be fine here alone but I would enjoy taking my meals with you all.”

 

“Of course!” she chimed. “You can come over even if it’s just for a snack. Baba’s been experimenting with making ice cream. I think you’d be amused by some of the flavors,” she added, twirling her fork into her noodles. 

 

“I would be willing to try anything.”

 

She grinned and went back to eating her food. She missed the face he made afterwards, but his mother didn’t. Nor did his father miss the accompanying emotions in the bond between them.

 

They looked at each other but nothing was said. They had already said their piece. Spock and Nyota, however, were just about to start.

 

—— party night

 

“Just go in, get the cheapest beer you can find and get out of there once you pay for it. Okay?”

 

“Right.” 

 

Kirk smiled at him, transferred the money to his account and watched Spock get out of the car. They were two blocks away from the convenience store furthest from their school, right on the edge of Annandale. 

 

They planned to use Spock to acquire the alcohol as he had no impediments to doing so. It was commonly known that alcohol was processed quicker in Vulcan metabolisms and usually flushed out before the effects of it were felt and with his ‘older age’ in Vulcan years he was able to legally purchase it. But they didn’t want the store clerk to see possible minors with him, hence the two blocks away.

 

Spock took in his appearance as he passed by a glass storefront. Kirk and McCoy had dressed him for the occasion and were very happy with the end result, conspiratorialy mumbling something about him not looking like a 40 year old virgin. Spock didn’t see anything special about a black t-shirt and jeans. As it was, both were ill fitting with the shirt too tight across his chest and his jeans nearly exposing the waistband of his underwear. 

 

He looked in style they said and would be sure to draw the right type of attention. He didn’t have to ask them what they meant. Kirk had long ago informed him of what he had been missing when he didn’t accompany him to these ‘gatherings’.

 

“It’s the best! I mean what more could you want? There’s friends, there’s girls, there’s music and now, there’s a little buzz action too,” he said, hinting at the alcohol. 

 

“I am not so sure if I will enjoy the activities or be able to engage in them.” 

 

Kirk had waved him off and grabbed him by the shoulders. “When you go to a party, Spock, you do what makes you happy. You don’t have to dance if everyone else is dancing. You don’t have to sing along. Hell, you don’t even have to chit chat. But you do have to have fun.”

 

McCoy had hummed in agreement as he searched his closet for a robe. “And why wouldn’t you have fun? Your friends are gonna be there. Even your girlfriend.”

 

“Uhura is not my girlfriend.” 

 

Kirk snickered while McCoy shot him a sly smile. “I didn’t say anything about Uhura being your girlfriend.”

 

Spock was flustered as he struggled to explain himself which only made them laugh louder. 

 

Kirk clapped him on the back and turned him towards the mirror. “C’mon. You’re going. You’re usually out on Vulcan when all the good parties are happening. You’re lucky that Sulu’s parents are out for the week. And stop frowning! You look like an old college student.”

 

Spock sighed in defeat. All of it was true. His reflection was undeniably stern as he took in the sight of himself with the gray wool cap slouched over his head. The tips of his ears were highlighted as they sat flush against the edge of the cap. 

 

That had been the mirror. His appearance in the store’s glass was different. He couldn’t recognize himself. He was no longer the lanky preteen with crooked canines and a retainer but a teen on the cusp of young adulthood. While heavily muscled his body looked more define. The cheeks he bore in childhood had thinned out into something much sharper. He was growing and he approved of the direction. 

 

He nodded to himself before walking through the store’s doors and going straight to the back cold cases.

 

Color drinks masquerading in black, silver and bright bold prints touted names that said nothing about what they were. In fact, some were just downright pitiful. He huffed in frustration as he looked for which was the most appealing and selected two cases of something with a mountain rendered in the background. 

 

The clerk didn’t even look up when he placed them down on the counter, only put down his PADD and turned to the register. “Is that it?”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

The clerk looked at him then, with exhaustion clear on his face. “The beer, is that all you want or do you want anything out of the case?”

 

Spock glanced back behind him and blushed at the contents. Vape pens, lottery chips and condoms lined the back wall in a neat display of sin. Spock shook his head and cleared his throat. “Nothing else, thank you.”

 

The clerk sighed and rung up the beer. Spock looked down at the candy on the racks below and gave into a spontaneous compulsion. “ Actually...this as well.”

 

He snatched up a relatively simple chocolate bar and plopped it on top of one of the cases. The clerk added it on without a second look and gave him the total.

 

Spock pressed his thumb to the PayPADD and sighed in relief as the purchase cleared with its approval. He was worried about the chocolate but no item was flagged. He stuffed the chocolate into his front pocket and took one case of beer into each hand. 

 

Spock left out feeling more giddy and roguish than he thought the chocolate could make him feel. No police assailed him nor did any people give him any dubious looks. He was one of them. Anybody. Someone important or nobody to trouble over. He was his own version of infinite diversity in infinite combinations. 

 

Kirk turned on his headlights as soon as he spotted him and took off driving as soon as he closed the door to the car. Spock hurried to get his seat belt on while Kirk and McCoy praised him.

 

The rest of the drive was composed of the two other boys fighting over musical selections on the car’s radio. They tried to rope Spock into being the tie breaker but soon gave up when he admitted he would prefer silence.

 

What felt like hours only took 23 minutes to get to the Sulu residence. It was a large but simple craftsman house like every other one in the neighborhood. The only distinguishing features were its sage plank wood siding and it’s ornate landscaping. Kirk parked a few cars back and waited as the rest of them piled out of the car.

 

Spock could hear the barest hints of music as they approached the door but Kirk and McCoy didn’t mention it until they were coming up the porch steps. 

 

“I love that song,” Kirk chimed, signalling the doorbell. He wiggled his hips to the beat between him and McCoy until Janice opened the door. Rand welcomed them with an exaggerated yell and hurried them in. “C’mon. The sound dampers only work when the door is closed. Last thing I want is to get busted by Sulu’s snooty ass neighbors.” 

 

Kirk scoffed and planted a quick kiss on her cheek as he cleared the foyer moving towards the kitchen. “If they can hear any of this from a mile away then we might deserve it.”

 

McCoy shook his head and followed him in. “They’re not that far away. It’s just the plots are bigger out here in McLean.”

 

Spock had to agree on both counts though. The houses out this way were massive with a logic he had yet to see. When they were driving in he spied no less than fifteen olympic size swimming pools, 3 tennis courts and an actual horse stable. “It appears that intergalactic surgeons are paid quite handsomely.”

 

Sulu’s chuckle tickled his ears before he appeared around the corner. “You could say that Spock. Anyone having to deal with paperwork, bodies or politics can be found residing here. Our neighbors on either side of us are lawyers and the ones directly across the street are royalty on Betazed.”

 

He took the beer from Spock’s hands and nodded the trio over towards the right. “Everyone else is on the patio in the backyard or in the living room.”

 

Once the word spread about their beer run however, Spock saw no need to move as everyone sought them out. Everyone seemed surprised to see him there but genuinely happy about his presence. Christine was especially eager to press this point.

 

“I wouldn’t have thought for a second that you’d actually be here if someone had told me but it’s so stellar you’re here.”

 

“I could hazard as to why.” 

 

She giggled and touched his arm. Spock looked at her hand and she leisurely drew it away. “Oh Spock. You want to go swimming?”

 

“I did not bring a bathing suit,” he replied, curious that they should want to go swimming so late. It was early fall but much too cold for his tastes to be wet and outside.

 

She pouted with a hmph and reclaimed a hold of his arm. “Well then let’s go with the others and dance! Most of us are out of the patio.”

 

Spock was ready to decline once more but McCoy was hooking one arm around Christine’s waist and walking with her. “Lead the way, Chapel. Let’s see what you got.”

 

Kirk was no help to him either as he tailed them with a beer in each hand. “PaarrrrTaaaay!”

 

They entered the patio to a chorus of cheers and dancing bodies. Nyota was among them, winding her hips and moving her arms in a way he couldn’t help but find alluring. She smiled at him as the other boys went and joined in. Hendroff sneered at him but made no move or comment.

 

Spock blinked at them and found himself a seat in the corner. Christine waved at him from the makeshift dance floor and called him over. Declining to do so only had the rest of the group either cheering for him to come over or booing that he wasn’t being a good sport.

 

Caught in peer-pressure limbo, Spock wracked his brain with what to do. He did not want to dance; he hadn’t truly ever tried. He felt drinking any of the beers would be a waste and the idea of small talk with the others in the house that were a year under him was not appealing.

 

He was just about to leave when Nyota shimmied over to him. Spock watched her as she twirled and rocked to the beat, amazed by her grace.

 

“Let me see you hand,” she shouted over the music, reaching out to him. He stared back at her hand before extending his own. Curiously she flipped his palm up and walked her fingers across it. The tips glittered with polish as they moved and slowly skimmed the surface of his skin. Tiny sparks of elation pricked his skin as he felt her excitement with the party. Her blood was pumping, her mood light and her body was moving at its full expression as she sang along.

 

Spock soon figured out why as she resumed dancing with their hands still touching.

 

He had heard the beat but in the touch of her fingers he felt it. The bass drove the rhythm and controlled the speed in which she moved while the lyrics directed the movements she took. As he sat watching her move around him, their connection allowed him to feel the cheerful awe of dancing  together to a late summer hit. It was indescribably sublime. She had been clever to think of such an exchange.

 

Spock felt his heart pick up speed when the tempo increased without the bass present. Nyota’s dance felt like a living thing as she followed the song’s crescendo. Her soft, long tresses flowed over her with each shake of her head. 

 

The rest of her wound herself around like a snake accentuating parts of her he thought better to leave alone. If she sensed any of his hesitation she ignored it and bopped around as another tune emerged.

 

Spock’s focus went from her dance form to her hand. He didn’t think of the consequences, just curled his hand and slid his fingers across her own. She paused mid-sway and brought her other hand to her mouth. 

 

He could feel her mind puzzling over the sensation, as if she had imagined it. He brushed her fingers again and this time felt her respond with a shiver. She touched her lips again and swallowed. “Spock?”

 

“Spock!” 

 

They both jerked their gaze away from each other and found Christine racing towards them. She stumbled to a stop and held Nyota’s shoulder with a loud, ear-splitting laugh. “I’m gonna cut in and show you how a dance is done. C’mere Spock!”

 

Nyota stepped back as Christine went forward and sat down onto Spock’s lap with a thud. Spock grit his teeth as her hips collided with his groin and shot Nyota look for help. She shrugged her shoulders and winked at him as Chapel begin her interpretation of what was suppose to be a lap dance.

 

Spock found it to be very aggressive and tactile. Kirk and the others gathered round to cheer her on. Spock sat on his hands and grit his teeth as he waited for the song to be over. As soon as the music faded Spock shot out of his seat. Christine stumbled forward and turned around with a scowl. “Hey! You could warn somebody before you stand up! I wasn’t even done yet-”

 

A burst of laughter cut off her tirade. Spock looked from her to the others to see them doubled over while holding their middles. 

 

Christine wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “What the hell guys?”

 

Janice wiped a tear from her face and pointed with her other hand towards Chapel. “Dude your dress ...it looks like you shit yourself!”

 

Spock glanced down as she twisted the fabric to get a better look. There along the right side was a large brown stain blotching out the blue and yellow stripes of her dress. 

 

Immediately Spock looked down to see that his jeans were ruined as well. The candy bar. He had forgotten it in his pocket. Christine must have burst the wrapper open when she first sat down on him and further spread it between them when she wiggled on his lap. 

 

Christine stormed off none too happy while the others continued to laugh at them. 

 

Nyota left soon after to go to her house for a sleepover and Spock stayed the night to avoid coming home smelling like chocolate. 

 

Sulu showed him the clothes refresher and gave him a spare pair of pants to wear around the house. 

 

He was just fishing out his comm when a message came through.

 

_ Did you kiss me? _

 

It was Nyota, probably looking for him to explain the sensation of their fingers as he rubbed them together. He stared down at the blue screen contemplating his reply. How he answered would change everything between them. What he had yet to tell her about his life and culture would also change their dynamic.

 

Spock swallowed at the knot in his throat and sighed. He shut the comm, pocketed it and rejoined the others.

 


	12. restless

They had kissed, he had told, they went to the party and then there was...nothing.

 

In the days following Spock’s return to school he said nothing to her. He just did that stare he made when he was trying to figure something out but he didn’t have all the pieces. There was so much they had to work out, so much to sort through. 

 

So in all of her infinite teenager wisdom, Nyota ignored him.

 

“And how’s that working for ya?” Rand asked smudging a french fry into her ketchup. 

 

“It’s not going at all,” Charlene answered for her. Nyota scowled over the table at her as she took a long drink from her water bottle and pouted. “I didn’t do anything wrong, Charlie!”

 

“And from the sound of it, you haven’t done anything right either…?” Christine quipped. 

 

“Oh yeah? Well...I could ask him if he wants to go out but in all our time together he has never once talked to me about that kinda stuff.”

 

She kept the memory of their kiss to herself and angrily bit into her dried mango. “I would have thought about it if that were even something I thought he’d be interested in but it’s just making things weird. He’s like my brother.”

 

Rand wrinkled her nose while Charlene nearly spit out her drink as she giggled. Christine made a noise of disgust and shook her head. “That’s a gross visual. Let’s not.”

 

Nyota growled through her nose and tossed her hands down at her side. “I’m being serious, I still don’t even think he really feels that way about me. And his parents are so tight lipped over the subject. Like Mrs. Amanda likes to tease me and ask me about who I like now or say that someone is cute but she never does that with Spock and he’s her son!”

 

Charlene shrugged and fiddled with the lid of her bottle. “Maybe it’s because he’s Vulcan? Don’t they like not date or something.”

 

Nyota’s heart sunk as she struggled to recall her Xeno culture class from middle school. While it did describe some aspects of family dynamics and social ethics the course hadn’t really gone into ‘How to date a Vulcan’. 

 

The vague details she did remember reading was that Vulcans were typically mated or what they called bonded for life. It had been mysterious and kinda romantic at the time that she read it but now as she sat trying to sort her feelings she thought Vulcan’s privacy over such matters irritatingly stupid. 

 

Christine sighed and lowered her food. “Look, no matter what happens I’ve got your back. I just don’t want to hear you complain if you never take a step towards doing something about it.”

 

Nyota straightened her back and gave her a look that had them all smiling. “Don’t worry about that. I will.”

 

\----- The night before

 

_ Her lips push against his as their fingers intertwine. He feels that same heady sensation of her mind mingled with that of her wet mouth and he draws her close. She is so incredibly soft that he can hardly believe it. Her tongue lashes against his, enticing him to lead. He slants his mouth to the side and slides his hands beneath her shirt to hold her by the waist. _

 

_ The bare brown skin’s warmth comforts as much as it soothes. It feels like he’s burning up and he can’t cool down. It’s her that makes him feel better.  It’s this stolen moment between them that has his hands where they shouldn’t be. His fingers skim further up until she makes a sweet, soft noise against his cheek. _

 

_ He can feel in his hands that his touch surprises her. She craves the feel of it just as much as he desires to touch her. The stiff cotton wrapped around her bust beneath her shirt bends to the will of his fingers as he moves further up in search of more sounds from her mouth. _

 

_ Yours. A whisper between them but from and to whom neither has a clue. He only knows that it feels good and it sounds right and he wants this between them. He crowds her down towards the floor and covers her with his body as he continues to chase her lips. It’s cold now with the sun down but he has heat enough for the both of them. He is burning up. _

 

_ She moves her long legs around his waist and clothes that were once there are now gone as he looks down upon her. He takes her into his arms, sniffing around her neck. The scent is familiar and in this moment it smells. So. Good.  _

 

_ He’s biting her shoulder before he can restrain himself and she’s arching against him with a moan. _

 

_ “Spock…” _

 

His eyes snapped open as his body trembled against the bed. The heat below him didn’t rival that of his face. He sighed and closed his eyes as he felt the base of his shaft swell in ways that it had not when he felt pleasure in the past. Having experienced changes to his body that signaled his human maturity years earlier Spock had no way to know that he was beginning his Vulcan puberty with its attending transformations.

 

Embarrassment welled in his chest along with confusion. School had mentioned such nocturnal occurrences happening within these years but as a Vulcan of almost 20 years he thought he would have been either too young or immune to them due to his mixed heritage. 

 

Spock slowly rolled up from the mattress and began the process of stripping himself and the bed. Since the kiss between them he could not shake his thoughts of Nyota...as his. He wanted to feel guilty that it wasn’t T’Pring highlighting his mental theatre of passion but he couldn’t begin to even summon the notion of regret.

 

If anything he did not feel it to be proper. He was bonded and Nyota was free to choose whomever she pleased. The thought of it though twisted his stomach in knots anytime he dwelled on it. He felt a protectiveness toward her that seemed much more complicated now, though no one seemed to notice.  Well not no one. Her father would brag about how diligent Spock was in looking out for his daughter, like a lion over its cub.

 

Spock brought a new shirt over his head and sighed into the darkness. If her father only knew what he had been thinking these few weeks Spock was sure that Mr. Uhura would be more inclined to feed him to one.

 

He had labored to keep himself at bay from her so as not to soil them both but he couldn’t help but feel that he had hurt her in the process. It was not just her expression. Anytime he came near her she shied away. No, it was more a feeling in his head, somewhere deep within the recesses of his mind he seemed to experience Nyota’s melancholy.

 

It was an odd emotion, one he felt responsible for causing and for seeing to its relief. But why, and better yet, how?

 

Fishing out a new pair of underwear, Spock culled the sheets, went out into the hall and placed the soiled ones into the house linen refresher. 

 

He humored himself with the small fact that, lately, his bed had always been freshly made, as he regularly changed its sets. He was just pulling out a fresh set from the linen closet when his mother peeked her head out of the door. “Spock?”

 

He became rattled at her sudden appearance, inconvenient as it was. If his father was home he would have been the one to go investigate. Then again his father probably would have heard him moving around earlier and decided against making an effort to get up. 

 

He swiftly lowered his arms to cover his groin and answered back. “Yes?”

 

“Why are you up?” she asked quietly. Sleep roughened her voice and dropped it a few octaves lower than usual. He felt his own pitch higher as he fought to answer her and not lie in turn. “I was unable to sleep…”

 

She cocked her head to the side and blinked at him. He cursed himself silently as she probably took in his change of sleepwear. And then there were the new sheets. She placed her hand at the side of her head and scratched noisily at her scalp before pulling it down to palm the side of her face.“ I see. Okay...well...please try and sleep. It’s a school night. Even Vulcans need sleep.”

 

“Yes mother.” 

 

He agreed quickly which probably made her suspect his actions. Anything to make her leave and get this whole incident behind him. 

 

Spock made his way back to his room and took on the chore of remaking his bed. He did so with more force than necessary, irritated that he should feel like he had been regressing. Doctors here and back on Vulcan had warned him of the possibility of a second puberty but it was all guesswork to him. No one empathized and they only cared so much as their research and published journals were able to profit from the care they gave him. 

 

“Like bedwetting all over again,” he grumbled to himself. He got another blanket to chase away the chill he felt in the room when he felt an urge to go to the window. 

 

Drawing the curtain back, he was met with the quiet darkness he expected but the feeling did not abate. If anything it felt stronger the longer he looked. School night or not, Spock wouldn’t be able to sleep if he weren’t able to shake it.

 

Locking his door so his mother couldn’t discover his departure, Spock went to his window and opened it. Still nothing but now his room filled with the distinct, cool scent of fall in the mid atlantic. 

 

He sighed and calculated his descent down to the ground below. With a bit of physical finagling, he managed it without too much trouble and padded down their driveway. He was careful to step outside of the floodlight’s boundary and went barefoot onto the sidewalk. There was nothing outside but something did catch his eye. Three houses down a dim glow lite the inside of the second floor window. 

 

Spock bit the inside of his cheek and went closer. Was she awake? He doubted it; it was 2:46 in the morning. As he neared her driveway however he could see further in. What he had thought had just been light was actually the source of three. 

 

The distinct blue hue of her comm screen overpowered the pale cool light of her PADD. Her nightstand lamp shaped like a giraffe was on its lowest setting. The light of the PADD flickered as it most likely closed out an application and moved onto another. She was awake then.  

 

Spock did a quick survey of the street before heading beneath her window. The house seemed silent other than the low murmur of whatever program her comm was playing in the background. He gauged how to make his way up but thought better of just popping in. 

 

He should alert her somehow so as not to scare her, he thought searching the ground for something to throw at her window. Only there wasn’t much to choose from. It seemed her father was very vigilant with tending to his yard work. 

 

He exhaled sharply in frustration and rose to leave when he noticed her looking down at him from the window. He stood there for moment, somewhat awkwardly, as he thought of what to say.

 

She saved him the trouble with opening the window and waving him up. It wasn’t right, he shouldn’t go but his feet and hands moved to obey her. And then he was there in her warm room, feeling much too big for her delicate-looking furniture and her smaller stature. 

 

Nyota went to her door and quietly locked it. When she turned around to study him, Spock lowered his gaze away from her. She came closer, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. “What’s the matter? Why were you outside?”

 

Spock blinked over towards her feet, focusing on the bright neon orange polish she had painted on her toe nails. “ I...I couldn’t get back to sleep.”

 

“Huh. Okay well, you can chill with me if you want…” she said shrugging her shoulders.

 

Her voice grew faint as she extended the invitation, coming out as nothing more than a breathy whisper. It wasn’t untoward but it...the way she spoke was too much like the specter of his dreams.

 

He swallowed and shook his head. “I do not wish to intrude more than I already have,” he replied. They could save face here with this he thought. It would be his excuse to run back home and not have to explain anything more and her saving grace to maintain the privacy she had before his arrival. Only she didn’t take it.

 

“Are you okay Spock? You look sick.” She came closer and he blinked down at her dismay. Was it so obvious that he was out of sorts?

 

“I haven’t been sleeping well.”

 

She hummed in agreement and sat on her bed. He darted his eyes away as he felt the heat creep up his neck. He should go. He should-

 

“Me too.”

 

“What?” Spock turned his attention back to her face and noted her crestfallen expression. She pulled at one of the braids that slipped free of her sleep bonnet and curled it around her finger. “I haven’t been sleeping well either. I’m stressing out about everything.”

 

Spock sat on the floor at her feet and nodded for her to continue. She held up the PADD and waved it in the air like a prophet with their holy tome. “All this time at the academy things have felt good and safe but we’ll be done soon. What if...I mean, I just don’t know about Starfleet.”

 

Spock frowned and regarded her curiously. “What is it that you do not know?”

 

She shrugged again and hugged herself. “That’s it, I don’t know what I don’t know. What if it’s too hard and I flush out? Thirty-five percent of first year cadets do but it doesn’t stop there.”

 

She crossed her legs and wiggled her knees up and down on the bed, anxiously. “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t make it, you know? I planned for this, asked my parents and my counselors to let me study under the fast-track model so I could enter right after I graduate.”

 

A tear rolled down her cheek and onto the quilt beneath her with a thud. Another rolled down as a third began to bud in her eye. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Do not be,” Spock grew even more concerned with the way things were progressing. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he wished to comfort her. Or maybe in doing so he desired to hold her. He held his hands together and forced himself to listen without stopping her.

 

She wiped at her nose and then at her eyes. The water in her eyes made the brown of her irises brighter in low light, like chocolate left melting in the summer sun. 

 

He ran his tongue over the roof of his mouth in the muscle memory of eating chocolate. His first trial had ended with him vomiting into the bathtub of the hotel that supplied it while his family was on vacation. 

The second had been more enjoyable as there was no sickness following his consumption but only the euphoric feeling of lowered inhibitions. In his own way Spock sought to do the same for Nyota now for her sake and also to make the air between them easy. “You will be a great addition to the fleet, Nyota. You may not feel that to be true but I know it as much as I can speculate anything.”

 

Nyota laughed softly and chewed at her thumbnail. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

 

“Vulcans do not lie,” he said shaking his head. He came to the foot of her bed and sat looking up at her. “Even if we did I would not lie to you. You will do well.”

 

The water coming from her eyes slowed to a trickle as she listened. Heartened by her response he spoke further on the matter. “If I attend Starfleet’s academy in the year after I graduate, I will make certain to tell you everything you wish to know about it.”

 

She wrinkled her nose looking less settled now. “Why wouldn’t you go? Didn’t you fast track yourself for it?”

 

He nodded and looked down at his grass-stained feet. “I have. I have also aligned my studies so I can apply to Vulcan’s Science Academy.”

 

Nyota furrowed her eyebrows and scowled at him. “What? Why di-”

 

He quickly pointed to his mouth and ear for her to quiet her voice. Nyota must have been shocked as she broke into standard from their typical Vulcan. 

 

Unless there were others present that did not speak it in the same fluency, they had always spoken in Vulcan. Nyota’s speech was near native at this point from the regularity in which she spoke it.

 

She lowered her volume but the anger was still thick in her voice as she resumed in Vulcan. “Why didn’t you tell me? This is my first time hearing about it! Did you not want me to know?”

 

Spock swallowed nervously and shook his head before shrugging his shoulders. “My father thought it would be best to have options. If I were to ever relocate to Vulcan as primary a residence- Nyota?”

 

She had sucked in her lower lip and was shaking her legs in an agitated fashion. “I can’t believe you would keep something like this from me.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

She widened her eyes in shock and for a moment he thought she might raise her voice at him again and wake her parents. “What do I mean? Spock, what the hell?!” she hissed. “You were going to just fucking move to Vulcan and not tell me until it was going to happen? I thought we were best friends? I’m nowhere near as close to Christine and the girls as I am with you and we tell each other everything.”

 

That peaked his interest, “Did you tell them about our kiss?”

 

An expression crossed her face that he couldn’t decipher. “No, of course not. That’s different. I mean they found out anyways because-”

 

He nodded with a sigh, knowing about the faux pas in question. He didn’t know not to tell but maybe the possibility of going back to Vulcan should have been something he shared. He worried though. 

 

If he told her about going to VSA would she want to go too? Would she ask about why his father was so insistent that he go to Vulcan? And would she come to find out about T’Pring? What would she say then? What would she ask? And the more dreadful thought, how would she feel about it? 

 

He could not speak of it even if he wanted to. That rueful condition wasn’t anything he wanted to tell her about. It had stolen so many things from him already he didn’t want it to steal their friendship too.

 

“I am sorry I did not tell you.”

 

At his apology, Nyota’s anger dissipated. She sagged down off the bed and crawled into his lap. He froze as she adjusted her arms and legs to get more comfortable. Her move to make herself comfortable was unfortunate for him. He did not trust his body to not embarrass him for the second time that night.

 

Spock moved to his right to brace his back against her bed and splayed his legs out on either side of her. She shifted accordingly and sat in front of him leaning down against his chest. The scent of her hair filled his nostrils, inspiring thoughts of coconut macarons. 

 

He sniffed discreetly and mentally dissected her conditioner’s ingredients. Whatever the make up it was appealing as usual.

 

Her voice was soft when she spoke again. “Things have felt so out of wack. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay.”

 

He blinked down at her as she rested against him and sighed. “It is a mutual feeling.”

 

She fell asleep against him soon after and he allowed himself an hour to do so as well before making his escape back out of her window.

 

When she woke that morning, hours later, it felt like he had stayed the whole night.


	13. you know nothing

\---- _ Two nights after _

 

His parents were out for the Babel convention and he saw an opportunity to have Nyota over. To deny he was thinking about the dreams involving her would have been a lie but that wasn’t the only reason to have her here alone.

 

Obligations and duties were slowly closing in. He had yet to go through it, but thoughts of his time and what that would mean haunted him constantly. With it would come marriage, and in his opinion of the pairing with T’Pring, another sort of bondage. 

 

He remembered Nyota’s pain as she considered his departure from Earth to go continue his education elsewhere. He hadn’t known that she would feel so strongly about it but then as he considered it later it had been foolish to have thought she would have another reaction. 

 

Her passion had always been strong even as a young child. She was not his bonded in mind or body but Nyota had emotionally bonded them together. She was his dearest friend without question. She cared for him and he couldn’t let Nyota continue on not knowing about the female bonded to him on Vulcan. 

 

It made him sick to think of her possible reactions but it had to be done. He had said it before, he would not lie to her. And for Spock, that included being honest about T’Pring.

 

When Nyota came through the door she looked radiant as always. The sight of her smile further soured his stomach as he knew he would later steal it away.

 

Possibly sensing his discomfort, Nyota paused and straightened in the hallway. “What is it? Sybok? Your teeth again?”

 

“No. We have to talk.”

 

His grave expression had her looking fearful. “What happened? Wait. Look at me.”

 

“Let us discuss this in my room.”

 

She chewed at her lip but did as he suggested. He followed behind her with leaded feet. Everything within him screamed to be silent but he loved her too much to not let her know. 

Nyota sat on his bed hugging her arms to her body and regarding him with a piercing stare. “Ok. Tell me.”

 

And tell her he did. What was so hard to start became a torrent of words as he recounted his bonding. The words rushed out over themselves in a harried jumble as he stood before her confessing. “It’s part of the reason I applied to the Vulcan Science Academy. I have to be bonded early. It’s our culture.”

 

“Okay but why? Seven? That’s so young! How do you even know who you like?”

 

“It wasn’t my choice,” he said firmly. Relief in having the truth out was slowly being replaced with a feeling of resentment. His father had done this. His mother had allowed it.  Now here he was defending himself for others’ actions. He stood guiltily before his best friend, if she even wanted to stay that. 

 

Her face went through many expressions but mainly mirrored her confusion. She didn’t understand and said as much.

 

“I don’t understand why you won’t just-”

 

“Not everything is so simple Nyota that you can just offer an elementary solution for me to follow,” he barked, cutting her off.

 

Nyota blinked and shook her head, crossing her arms in front of her chest defensively at his tone. “I don’t know why I’m even helping you if you won’t even help yourself.”

 

Fury long suppressed boiled up to the surface.

 

“I did not request your assistance,” he shot back with his brows furrowing. “What do you truly know about what this means  _ for me _ ? Or _ to  _ me? What do you know about being Vulcan?”

 

Spock winced internally even as his anger continued to boil over. He watched as Nyota’s eyes narrowed and welled with water. She stepped back, marking the new distance between them as she cast her eyes to the floor and threw up her hands in defeat. 

 

“You know you right, what do I know. Certainly nothing when it comes to you. Forget I even tried to help you.”

 

With that Nyota turned and walked back towards the door and out into the hallway. Spock huffed with a silent curse and trailed behind her as she hurried down the stairs. “Where are you going?”

 

“What do you care!” she snapped stepping onto the landing. “I’m just your ignorant human friend!” 

 

Nyota’s ponytail whipped behind her as she rushed towards the foyer to escape his presence. Spock pursed his lips as he darted in front of her and exhaled in frustration. Nyota crashed into his chest with an upmh as he walled her off from the front door. 

 

She pushed off of him with a growl. “Stop it! Let me out!”

 

Spock remained silent as he moved himself to further block her passage and pressed forward to back her into the house. Nyota shoved at his chest tearfully with a fierce frown on her face and angrily rebuked him. “You’re nothing but a spoiled bully! I don’t know why I thought to help you! I don’t know why I even promised…”

 

She trailed off with a sniff and angrily shook her head. Spock tilted his in confusion. What was she going to say? Promised? Whatever it was she thought better of it as she glared up at his face. “...we’re too different.”

 

“I disagree.”

 

“Then why did you go and chose her!” she spat. In all their years together it was the angriest Spock had ever seen her. She was literally shaking from fury with her fists balled at her side like she was preparing to strike him. Talking with her was only stoking her anger. 

 

Spock felt his own ire rising as she lobbed her accusations at him without even knowing the truth of his and T’Pring’s bonding. Here she was angry with him over something that had tormented him for years that he never had control over. She was supposed to be his friend. She promised him.

 

Spock’s nostrils flared as he spoke to her through gritted teeth. “I did not chose her Nyota! I was no more a party to it than you were!”

 

“You could have said no!” she quickly retorted. She did not, could not understand. It was not his fault! 

 

“I was seven! As I said before it is not so simple to know what I was consenting to. Parents do what they think is best for their offspring. My parents acted no differently. They could no more predict my situation with T’Pring than they could my friendship with you. How could they have known what we could have become,” he replied swiftly, marching towards her.

 

She backed into the wall, shaking from repressed emotion, as she sought to compose herself. Spock stood in front of her, walling her off as she pressed herself into the corner. 

 

Wiping at her eyes, Nyota sneered at him. “I can’t believe I thought we could ever be...I mean, it’s so obvious, you can’t even stand me. Just like everything else in your life I just fucking happened to you...you didn’t chose me...I was just a-”

 

Spock seized her teary face and brought his mouth down onto hers. Nyota’s eyes widened in shock as she squealed in protest against his lips. He could feel her anger, embarrassment and overwhelming surprise flow over him as he molded his lips against hers. 

 

At the touch of his mind, Nyota drew back with a haughty scowl and slapped him squarely across the face. He gasped and held his cheek. She had hit him. Why?

 

He turned towards her face and was shocked to see the expression she was gave him. 

 

“ _ Don’t _ touch me!”

 

Spock stared at her wide eyes as the meaning of her words settled over him. Her mind, he had touched her mind and did so without permission. He hadn’t even tried to, it just happened. How?

 

Spock flushed a horrid green and shook, frightened. He had let his emotions run unchecked and violated his friend as a result.

 

He clutched his hand tightly to his chest, scared that he would hurt her further. “Nyota, I- I am sorry. I did not think - I just...reacted.”

 

Nyota shook her head with a hand over her lips. “Let me go.”

 

Spock moved towards her with a morose look in his eyes but she hissed at him to stop. “Leave me alone. Don’t talk to me ever again!”


	14. We need to talk about Spock

“Amanda! My God, come in! It feels like forever! You look great!”

 

Nyota’s hand stopped writing in her PADD mid stroke when she heard her mother’s announcement. Her eyes darted around her desk as she tried to calm herself. She hadn’t done anything wrong, in fact she had been throwing herself into schoolwork. So why did her heart race as if she were guilty of something?

 

A small thought wriggled in her mind and her heart seized on it immediately. Spock. Was he here with his mother? What had he told her if anything? Her breath quickened as she mulled over their friendship….relationship...acquaintance? 

 

Whatever it was, it was much of nothing these past few weeks. Fall had come and gone and winter break was fast approaching and neither one had yet to break their silence. Friends noticed of course but she wouldn’t divulge. Half of them were being nosey and the other half wanted to instigate for one side or the other. 

 

Spock had remained tight lipped as well, probably from having learned his lesson with Jason Hendroff. When she did see him roaming the halls he had looked sullen. 

 

The sarcastic wit that he would tease everyone with was replaced with an irritable flatness. Nyota couldn’t know for sure but she felt like he was angry and that the root of it was hurt. Hurt possibly born out of circumstances and obligations. And pain from possibly losing her.

 

Their silence pained her too. There were very few places to go and things to do that didn’t remind her of her childhood friend. They had done so much, been through so much but she needed boundaries established and reinforced. Whether she was in love with him or not, she had to let him know there were certain lines that he or anyone else could not cross. 

 

At least that’s what the advice column she read religiously in the diginews press said she should do. For her sake, Nyota hoped they were right because this whole situtation just fucking sucked.

 

“Oh stop it! I’m just as big a mess as my research project. My interns are better than my actual hired employees. But who am I to complain? I’m kvetching over here after you just got home from work!”

 

Nyota crept out of her room and over to the stairway as her mother’s laughter masked her movements. She just caught a glimpse of them moving from the foyer into the living room as she hid around the corner.

 

“I don’t mind at all! A visit from you is always welcome. Especially when you make sure not to come over empty handed. I just put on tea.”

 

Nyota heard the scrape of a chair and the clatter of china as her mother probably got ready to prepare tea and serve whatever Ms. Amanda had brought over. “This? Just something I threw together. I probably could have done a better job if I had my  _ baking _ buddy…”

 

Nyota clenched her fingers against her palms as her mother hummed in agreement. “My belly might agree with you but my clothes not so much. The food you bring to eat has me so gaining weight just looking at them. My God.”

 

They laughed again and Nyota heard the swipe of another chair and the sound of water being poured. The scraping sound of porcelain being moved along the table filled the air over the sound of her mother’s pleased hum over the baked goods.

 

Nyota craned her neck around the corner to gain a better view of the pair to no avail. She’s either have to come down further on the staircase and risk being seen or make due with her snooping spot. 

 

“Kioni, I don’t mean to pry but maybe you’ve noticed the kids seem a little off?”

 

Her mother was silent for a bit, probably nodding her head for what followed after. “Spock is a mess. I would pity the poor thing but he’s been driving me crazy with the attitude.” 

 

Nyota heard the china clang again and then Amanda continue. “I tell you, nothing is more taxing than a brooding teenager. I asked what’s going on, thinking it was Sybok being MIA or whatever the hell is going on there…”

 

Her voice wavered and Nyota’s mother made a consoling sound. “I am so sorry, Amanda.”

 

“No it’s nothing you need to trouble yourself with...I mean, I just, out of all of the turbulence that can be had in our family, Spock was a rock. He’s always been even-keeled even as a baby which helped out so much with Sybok and Michael. They needed him as much as he needed his siblings but...fuck...excuse me I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what’s the matter with me…”

 

“Don’t apologize. Here’s a tissue you.”

 

The chair squeaked across the tile and Nyota heard Amanda clearing her nose out timidly. “Thank you. Ugh, I guess I hadn’t really thought about all of it….I mean until now. We’re such a blended family and we’re often times far apart by distance. I just don’t want to feel like I’m even further away from my baby while he’s still just down the hall. He’s so depressed but he won’t tell me why. I have some thoughts but I wanted to talk to you and also check on my little baker.”

 

Nyota stopped breathing as Amanda mentioned her and waited to see if her mother would call her down. The summons however never came as her mother put down her teacup. “I’ve seen the two of them and how close they were getting. It was obvious for anyone who had eyes to see that they were sweet on each other, eh? But Omondi, probably for his own peace of mind, believed that nothing could happen. But I saw the way my daughter looked at Spock, bright little eyes as if Spock was the only thing she could see.”

 

She sighed and the wicker of the chair groaned as she leaned back. “She has not talked to me about it but I know that she doesn’t have that same glow. She’s distracting herself. I asked if she was having sex and she looked like she wanted to claw my eyes out and she shrieked NO!”

 

Her mother sucked at her teeth and huffed. “Such manners. Girl children are always that way with their mothers but I nearly lost it. And then it occured to me, my girl doesn’t act out like that. Something must have happened, eh? So after correcting her disrespect I asked if it was about Spock. I saw it there, in her face and knew in my heart even as she shook her little head no, that she was lying.”

 

Nyota silently cursed. She had flown off the handle with her mother and it was a testimony to God that she didn’t get her behind beat red for it. She hadn’t meant to react so rashly but the question had struck a nerve. 

 

Sex had been the talk of the town at their school and it left her feeling awkward. Nyota had become aware that most of her classmates had assumed she and Spock had...well...done quite a lot. 

 

She never liked people gossiping about either of them and the fact that Spock had been so hot and cold left her feeling rejected that they hadn’t done more than kiss. It had taken her a long time to get over the feeling of brotherly love for him but once she had admitted her attraction to him, she found out that his ass had a bondmate? Did that make him married or engaged? It didn’t matter, she guessed, because not only was he taken but he had hidden the truth from her again. 

 

He had been so eager it seemed to say that they had kissed but not to tell her that he had a girl of his own? Why the hell hadn’t he tried kissing practice with her?!

 

_ Yours _ .

 

Nyota’s thoughts ground to a halt as she remembered the exchanged thought. At least she believed it was from him. It could have been her mind but it felt...mutual? 

 

_ I wish we had never kissed  _ she thought glumly. It changed things. Hadn’t it? 

 

Her mother started speaking again and caught her attention. “I think she told Spock about her feelings and he didn’t reciprocate. It put her in this mood and she’s trying to act like nothing’s wrong.”

 

Amanda sighed heavily and she blew her nose again. “That sounds about right. Though that’s not right, he definitely….Shit. He probably never told her. I could kill Sarek. Dammit if he can’t get it right. Loves too hard and cares too much if you ask me. He wants so much to do right by the kids but he smothers the hell out of them.”

 

“How does Sarek figure into this?”

 

“Right along with everything else Vulcan, marriage is all expedited early on in childhood. Finding a suitable spouse is important...for various reasons. And he says that-”

 

Her mother cursed and cut her off. “Hold on, hold on, wait...Spock is married?!”

 

Amanda’s voice sounded strained as she answered. “In a manner of speaking, he’s technically spoken for but not married.”

 

Her mother cursed again and she heard her shift in her chair. “I can’t...I don’t understand. Why would Sarek do such a thing. I’ve never heard about anything like that in our cultural studies. Where the hell is all this coming from?”

 

“It was a supposedly logical solution to all manner of issues back before the enlightenment period. Bride kidnapping and other such rubbish. I...there’s something Vulcans don’t talk about. Not just with outsiders but even with each other...and I know what it is. I want-” she paused and listened. “Is anyone else here in the house.”

 

“Just Nyota on the staircase listening to us,” her mother sighed.

 

Nyota hissed under her breath. “Shit. How the hell did she do that?!”

 

“What was that? I know you’re not cursing young lady!”

 

And how the hell did she do that? “No mama. Sorry mama.”

 

Amanda cut in with a voice that sounded suspiciously high. “Nyota, darling, be a dear and go to my house and ask Spock for the rest of these snickerdoodles? We’ve almost finished this plate here.”

 

Nyota bit her lip in resignation and rose up from her seat on the treading. “Okay.”

 

She came down frowning knowing that she was being sent away so they could discuss whatever it was Amanda wanted to tell her mother. Whatever it was, she really felt that she should be in on it. 

 

Didn’t this all start with adults keeping secrets and then having kids deal with the repercussions? Not to feel entitled or anything but it was her life they were discussing not theirs!

 

Nyota let out her anger by smacking her feet on the cement walkway as she made her way towards their house. She was tempting fate by doing so with no shoes on but his house was close and she didn’t want to linger any longer than she had at his house, removing her shoes and then putting them back on when she was leaving. 

 

She hadn’t been back since that night. To say that she never wanted to see him again had maybe been too hasty a proclamation. Could she really avoid him? Not only did they live near each other but they went to school together as well. Their friends overlapped to the point that more often than not she had often seen him when she hung out around the local hotspots.

 

The more she dwelled on it the more dumb it felt to conclude such a thing. Would she really write off the whole S’chn T’gai family because of Spock’s rash actions? 

 

She recalled the brief sight of his mother sitting in their dining room. Amanda’s face, normally smooth and pale, was puffy and blotchy from crying as Nyota left out the front door to do as she was told. 

 

It didn’t sit well with Nyota to forsake their relationship. She could easily say that she loved Amanda. She had been more like an aunt to her than her friend’s mother, treating her with the same motherly affection she showered on Spock. 

 

From providing a place for her during meal time to scolding both of them equally for some mischief that they had been caught at, Amanda had been someone who inspired a sense of belonging and community. 

 

Spock, however,...what he inspired Nyota had yet to pin down and decipher. Between the lingering rejection and feelings of mistrust, her mind ran amok with a gamut of teenage emotions. 

 

She wouldn’t have been as torn up about his betrothal and their kiss if she felt that they had a chance.The memory of their first felt sordid alongside the knowledge of his engagement. 

 

She came to the door and raised her hand to signal her presence when she sighed and let it fall. She wasn’t ready for this. She sucked at her bottom lip and thought of their last interaction.  Could she get in without seeing him and leave with the cookies?

 

Trying her luck, Nyota stepped closer, tried the door, and uttered a whispered thank God as it opened for her. She tiptoed in as quietly as she could and made her way to the kitchen where she spotted the other batch of cookies covered on the countertop. 

 

She had just lifted the plate when a voice spoke from directly behind her. “What are you doing here.”

 

Nyota jerked reflexively and dropped the ceramic plate down across the drab granite counter. The sound of it shattering blocked out her startled gasp she emitted as she turned around to find Spock standing at the kitchen’s threshold.

 

She panted at the air and gripped the counter behind her only to hiss as she drew her left hand away. She glanced down to find a sizeable white sliver embedded into the heel of her palm with a red blotch forming beneath her skin.

 

“Shit…! You scared the hell out of me.” 

 

His face remained still as he blinked from her hand to her face. “It is my house. It would be reasonable to expect that I might be here.”

 

Nyota ran her tongue across her teeth in irritation and exhaled loudly through her nose. “Well, you got me there. Your mom sent me to get these cookies.”

 

When he continued to stare at her, she averted her eyes. “I- I should have knocked.”

 

“Yes. You should have.”

 

Nyota stared back at him, puzzled. All things considered, Spock seemed the same. His thick hair was neatly trimmed and sat obediently above his eyebrows. The boxy sweater he wore left  _ everything  _ to the imagination and the faint but familiar scent of the soap they imported from Vulcan wafted over to her nose from where he stood. All this and yet, she was looking at a stranger. 

 

When had he ever spoken to her so cooly. When had he ever looked at her so indifferently?

 

Nyota sucked at her lip and bowed her head away so he couldn’t see whatever expressions crossed over her face. “Yeah, then I guess I should have…”

 

She turned her back, unable to face him right then and started to clean up. She gathered the large shards of pottery onto the cloth that had been covering the cookies. She took care to gather any pieces she saw on or around the cookies but knew she couldn’t in good faith deliver the cookies to Amanda like this. They hadn’t hit the floor but from the way the porcelain had broken, tiny splinters were probably covering each one of the cookies. 

 

Eventually she heard Spock climbing up the stairs away from her and allowed herself a ragged breath with her eyes closed. She didn’t know what she had expected but it sure as hell wasn’t this reception. She wished she hadn’t come.

 

_ I wish I hadn’t kissed him. _

 

She was nearly done when she heard him coming back down to the first floor. Try as she might she couldn’t finish cleaning in time to hurry out the door. 

 

He stopped a few feet away with a bag under his arm. “If you would permit me to tend to your wound.”

 

“My what?”

 

His head remained stationary as his eyes fell to her left arm. “Your hand. It is bleeding.”

 

She shrugged and cradled it inside the palm of the other. “Yeah. I was going to clean it up when I got home.”

 

“There is no need to if I have offered and have supplies with which to sanitize and bandage you. I would not allow any emotional distress to cloud your judgement.”

 

Nyota pursed her lips but pushed her hand towards him. “Fine. I don’t feel like arguing with you.”

 

“The sentiment is mutual,” he said gruffly, lifting one eyebrow. He took a moment to observe her hand before placing the medical bag down on the counter. She frowned and could have sworn his lips formed the same grimace as he came and took a hold of her hand. “Hold still.”

 

“I am.”

 

“I would not have asked if you were doing so.” 

 

“Just hurry up!”

 

He sighed and held her hand open between his own. It was overly warm as she remembered it always being, but there was something else. There was a hint of something familiar that Nyota didn’t recall missing. What was it and why did she feel it?

 

His hand continued to hold hers as he slipped his fingers in along the outer pocket and pulled out a pair of small tweezers. 

 

She fidgeted on her feet as she struggled with where to look. He was standing too close and stood so tall that he took up most of the view. This close she could smell that he had just showered. She could feel the heat he radiated. She could feel that Spock was masking himself from her. Knowing that he was gave Nyota an unexpected twinge of pain.

 

Nyota swallowed at the burning knot in her throat and exhaled through her nose. “You don’t have to make it so obvious that you’re hiding yourself from me.”

 

Spock concentrated on moving the tweezer around the sliver in her hand and commented without looking up. “We were attempting not to argue if you remember.”

 

She groaned and let her eyes flutter shut. “Spock…! I swear to God...” 

 

Spock huffed through his nose and quirked an eyebrow while manipulating her hand. “What would your mother think if I told her of your blasphemy?”

 

Nyota bit her lip to keep from smiling and pushed against his shoulder with her other hand. “I don’t know what my mama would say but I think  _ your _ mother would know you drove me to it.” 

 

“You believe yourself  _ so _ clever,” he said in a manner she knew to be teasing.

 

“I know myself to be so clever,  _ smartass _ .” 

 

She watched Spock dispose of the porcelain shard in the sink and grab the disinfectant and liquid bandage hypo. “Takes one to know one I think would be an appropriate adage right now,” he said under his breath.

 

She laughed in spite of her desire to maintain an emotional distance from him and hissed as he dabbed the disinfection swab over her palm. 

 

Spock put the swab down on the counter and retrieved the bandage hypo. “You are fidgeting again.”

 

“I wouldn’t move so much if you were being nicer to me.”

 

The fingers he had braced along the back of her hand flinched while he decompressed the hypo. That uncomfortable ache passed over her again and both of them sighed in tandem. 

 

Nyota looked at their hands and blinked. Though fully healed Spock still bore the scar from his stylus breaking at the zoo. She remembered then he had just come back from Vulcan and had been quieter than usual. It’s not something that she would have overly worried about as a child but now looking at their matching palm wounds it all made sense now.

 

Spock looked down and cocked his head to the side. “What are you looking at?”

 

“We have matching scars now,” she said softly. “Years apart but they look so similar.”

 

She took her other hand and traced the outline of the small, pale spot of jadegreen freckling his hand. The same stinging burn welled inside her and made her withdraw her finger. “I miss you too.”

 

Spock turned his head to the other side and straightened his stance. “I did not say anything.”

 

Nyota turned the hand he still held in his around to give his? a gentle squeeze. “You did.”

 

The tips of his ears turned the same bright green as his cheeks. “I did not say anything within my mind to yours.”

 

Nyota withdrew her hand and stepped away from him towards the door. “You didn’t….but you didn’t have to.”

 

She left him standing in the kitchen.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots going on here. One more chapter today maybe


	15. Winter feels like forever

“Spock. Wash up and come down. Everything is ready.”

 

Spock slowly exhaled and rolled over onto his side. 

 

He knew it was coming it but hearing his mother’s voice right then had been jarring. How long had he been sleeping? He glanced at his comm and noted the time with a grunt. He should get up.

 

He sat up on the edge of his bed and cupped his face with another soft sigh. Short stubble lining the lower half of his face stabbed at his palm as he shifted forward. The rest of his head felt cool and clammy as if he were coming down with a cold. With winter break just beginning he sincerely hoped not; not that it would matter.

 

“Spock. I don’t hear any movement up there.”

 

He clenched his jaw and forced himself up and into the hallway towards the bathroom. Celebrating was the last thing he wanted to do but how was he supposed to tell his mother that? Not when he knew what this holiday meant to her. 

 

It wasn’t as if she wasn’t burdened. His father was in transit from the Mars colony and wouldn’t be arriving until after the menorah lighting. Michael would be absent once again but not for lack of trying. Trying to get affordable travel options during this time of year for five was next to impossible unless you had six layovers in three different quadrants. 

 

Sybok was still missing. He had yet to contact them and they had been unable to trace his movements in the time before his disappearance. Spock had choice words for his brother but there was the lingering dread that Sybok wasn’t simply shunning them….that something terrible might have happened to him and that cursing the dead would not do anything but scar his ka’tra.

 

And then there was Nyota. Her family had always joined them for Hanukkah and dinner since they had moved into the neighborhood, but not this year. Mrs. Uhura had called his mother and given her apologies that they would not be able to make it. They were visiting family in Kenya early for Christmas his mother had told him. She said that it was only right they did so with their parents aging. 

 

“You know they would have been here if they could have,” his mother said, just before he went to bed.

 

He had given her a curt nod as a reply but he had felt her eyes watching him, analyzing the movement for any tell that might explain the rift between he and Nyota. The Uhuras had remained cordial to them at large but Nyota no longer came to visit on her own.

 

Their last interaction had left him puzzling over her words. She said that he had spoken to her but she didn’t say how. The comment had worried and intrigued him. Speaking without words, speaking without initiating a meld? 

 

He had never done so with any other person...even T’Pring, but he felt like he should have been able to. They were bonded after all but, admittedly, they were not truly close. He accompanied her as much as her schedule allowed during his summer visits to Vulcan. They were as comfortable as strangers could be, polite but formal and never intrusive.

 

His uncle had noticed their impersonal regard of one another though Spock never knew if he ever mentioned such observations to his father. Probably not because like Spock, Silek knew there was no debating an issue with Sarek once he considered the matter settled. For a diplomat, he certainly had a hard time listening to what others’ were saying. 

 

“Spock? Get the lead out and come downstairs!”

 

Spock blinked back at the reflection staring at him from the mirror. His dry hands were perched on the vanity while the water ran patiently for him to wash. He lathered up as he continued to study his face. It had thinned out, making his cheekbones look more prominent. As he turned to the side he couldn’t figure whether or not it was from maturing or from reduced snacking.

 

T’Pring had noted his weight compared to other males his age and he had been strangely convicted by it. He had never seen himself as anything but average but he had always had the core fear of being something less than desirable, no matter what the desire may be.

 

He thought of McCoy and Sulu playfully teasing him about how skinny he was and how he needed meat on his bones and how from from T’Pring’s comparison it differed. Was he stocky or thin? 

 

Glancing at the engaged lock on the door, Spock quickly peeled off his sweatshirt and tunic and studied his torso in the mirror. Turning from side to side to observe each plane of his trunk he held up his arms and flexed his bicep.

 

What was it about his body that he could not see that others so readily made comments about? While not prominent in their presentation, he could easily see the muscles of his rectus abdominis lining his stomach. His pectoralis majors were not as pronounced as say Jim Kirk’s were but neither were they something he would define as underdeveloped.

 

He had practiced suus mahna for six years before being placed into a more specialized form called ke-trya for hand-to-hand combat. Neither one required that his physique be more than what it was and in fact his master had chosen ke-trya based on Spock’s lean musculature and disposition. 

 

Had he been more heavy he might have placed him in lan-dovna which required great strength, or va’sumi if he had been lighter. But he had been fairly balanced in all physical respects for a Vulcan, with the exception of his character. Mentally he was more dogged in his resolve to see a fight through to the end than most of his peers. They thought they could best him by dint of their own superiority while Spock thought he could defeat them because of their underestimation.

 

He turned once more in the mirror and canted his head to the side. He felt that this was the position he had been in when he was tending to Nyota’s hand. She had looked him in the eye when they were first conversing but he noticed the closer he came the lower she dropped her gaze.

 

He felt her ambivalence to look up at him but he had a hard time puzzling out why. There was a light and effervescent tingle that bubbled beneath his skin whenever she did gaze up at his face but it was sharply followed by a deep and throbbing ache in his ribcage. It happened so often that even she took notice of it herself.

 

And that’s when she said that she missed him too. He had replied by rote but he had wondered all the same. How had Nyota known of his...for lack of a better word, pining? He had been so careful to guard himself, shielded as he touched her hand that he could not understand how she could pierce through it all as if it were nothing. 

 

And even more troubling was this question: If Nyota knew of his grief over his loss of her, what else could she have gleaned from his mind?  

 

He frowned and pulled his clothes back on. It was pointless to worry and yet-

 

“Spock! Get your butt down here now!”

 

“Coming.”

 

Spock withdrew from the bathroom, internally growling, as he went down the stairs. He found his mother sitting in the living room in front of the comm with Michael’s face brightly displayed on the screen. 

 

His mother turned to him with a wide grin and waved him over towards the couch. “See! Isn’t this great!”

 

Spock sat down beside her and stared sullenly at his sister. “Live long and prosper, Michael.”

 

Michael nodded her head with a languid blink as she gazed back at him. “Same to you, little brother. So nice of you to finally join us.”

 

“I did not know you were comming in,” he muttered, softly while rubbing his arm.

 

Michael’s eyebrows pitched upwards before one slowly sank down. “So it was fine to keep mother waiting this long?”

 

He pouted in spite of his practice not to do so anymore and glared at her. “I was indisposed in the lavatory.”

 

“Then I might gently suggest you increase your daily intake of fiber?” she offered with a small hint of a smile.

 

Spock huffed and twisted towards his mother’s giggling form. “She is goading me!”

 

His mother, traitor that she was, merely shrugged and leaned back into the couch. “Then you should not have kept her waiting.”

 

Spock wrinkled his nose as he sighed and blinked back towards his sister’s snide face. “My apologies for keeping you waiting…”

 

“Thank you,” she replied primmly sitting back from the camera. “Apology accepted. Now, for the reception. Children, come. Uncle Spock and Grandmother Amanda are on the comm.”

 

Spock’s mood brightened as his nephews and niece came on-screen with a raucous chorus of salutations. He greeted each one with equal enthusiasm and inquired over their studies. 

 

T’Yel was elated to tell him of her upcoming debate in the junior United Federation team. Toval tried and failed, to humbly express his proficiency in the latest suus mahna tournament. And Nivock adorably babbled his alphabet in both Standard and Vuhlkansu.

 

“Very good, Nivock,” Spock said warmly. “All of you are doing quite well. I am only discouraged that I cannot see you in person.”

 

“Maybe we could meet with you when we next travel to Vulcan?” Toval suggested. 

 

“You all are going soon?” Amanda beamed.

 

Toval brightened while T’Yel nodded meekly. “Yes, to visit our bondmates. We will reside with them and their families between school sessions.”

 

Spock’s buoyant mood faded at the mention of bondmates. He nodded stiffly and gave a cool reply. “It is a novel idea.”

 

He felt his mother’s eyes on him, probably as she picked up his darkening mood. She was about to say something when Michael chimed in. “It is 4 a.m. here and the kids have school in a couple of hours. Let us sing and light the menorah before I send them back to bed.”

 

His mother did so readily, horrified at the thought of having her grandchildren up so late. With his father and brother absent, Spock lead the prayer and blessing and his mother gave a blessing for the children. Michael’s children quietly observed while the adults proceeded to direct the rest of the celebration.

 

At its end, Michael sent the kids to bed and told the two of them that she would comm again on the eighth night. 

 

“Oh and look out for the presents I sent the children! They should arrive soon,” Amanda cheered.

 

“I will,” Michael assured before she turned her head towards Spock. “And what is it that my little brother wants?”

 

“Nothing,” he lied. 


	16. Prom like everything else is overrated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom isn't at all what Nyota thought it would be. Spock agrees with that sentiment. New beginnings for both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, long ass chapter ( for this story anyways) ahead

This was supposed to be magical. This was supposed to make her giddy and her heart skip a beat. But all she could think about was the trainwreck that was her junior prom. 

 

The first disappointment had been her missing dress. For the life of her, the tailor hadn’t been able to find her dress after Nyota had taken it in for alterations. When the tailor told her that she could have it to her in two days by the latest, Nyota was almost hysterical. 

 

“Two days? What good does that do me when my prom is tonight?!”

 

The tailor’s face crumpled, making her feel even worse. She wasn’t looking to pick a fight, she just wanted to pick up her dress and now she was going to have to make due with what little she had in her closet.

 

Her mother toyed with the idea of having something replicated but with the time constraint and matter requirements it would cost a fortune. 

 

“You still have your senior prom,” her mother offered as a silver lining. It was cold comfort given that she was having to show up in a blue dress blouse and the sequin skirt from her dance uniform as a makeshift outfit.

 

Ryan, her date for the evening hadn’t been put out by it at all. In fact he seemed positively elated by how much leg she was showing, but Nyota couldn’t have felt more mortified as she went to their dinner date. The whole time she ate she was pulling at her skirt and gently pushing away his hand from her thigh.

 

Janice had warned her that Ryan Goddard was a paws-y-horndog but he was genuinely nice and handsome to boot. Nyota heartily agreed with all three points but something about him made her feel lukewarm. Behind the boyish charm and easy conversation, Ryan seemed...off. He was nice,. She knew that they liked each other but it seemed abundantly clear that neither one ‘liked liked’ the other.

 

And that very conclusion led her to think about the second disappointment, Spock’s failure to request she accompany him to the prom 

 

As much as she didn’t expect him to ask her to the prom, she could admit, if only to herself, that she desperately wanted him too. Fast tracked as he was this dance would be his one and only prom.

 

Nyota waited and waited, awkwardly delaying all the other proposals she had received from other, more willing classmates and friends until it was clear he was not intending to ask her at all.

 

She went with Ryan because he had put the most effort into his proposal though she toyed with the idea of taking Chekov or Scotty up on their offers. She didn’t want to get Pavel’s hopes up though because he was as sweet and perverted as Ryan was but also a dear friend.

 

Scotty was a hoot but Charlene had already told Nyota of her secret feelings for the techie. And maybe she not so secretly told Monty to ask Charlene instead of herself, because she “had it on good authority” (her own) that the fellow STEM major liked him. 

 

All this led up to the present moment of being...fucking livid at the scene before her. Spock’s date.

 

Rand, Chapel and Darwin all but ran off with her, leaving a bewildered Ryan behind.

 

“What’s going on? Why are you guys-”

 

“Girl, shut up and look!” Darwin hissed, pointing over to the left. Nyota followed the direction her finger was pointing and froze. 

 

Spock. And beside him was a girl. A Vulcan girl. His girl.

 

Darwin was saying something with Rand chiming in but she couldn’t hear what they were saying something inside her was souring and burning bitterly in the pit of her stomach. Was that... _ her _ ? 

 

There was a crowd around them as their classmates sought to find out about Spock’s mystery girl. Nyota shouldn’t have been as vexed as she was about it but dammit what the actual fuck?!

 

She narrowed her eyes at the pair of them and clinched her teeth. A jealousy she had never felt stole over her as they stood there conversing with all the people around them. She didn’t want to be but he was just...how could he do this to her?!

 

The flagging resolve to shun Spock burned anew as she watched Spock glance from Kirk back at the pretty girl to his left and touch her hand. Correction, she didn’t want to shun him, she wanted to slap him. 

 

Chapel scoffed while crossing her arms over the LED lights lining the bodice of her dress. “I guess she’s cute if you like stuck up bitches. I don’t know why they’re even here. It’s not like they’re going to dance or anything.”

 

“What the fuck…” 

 

It had been whispered but Nyota might as well have yelled it for the silence that fell over the group. All three girls looked at her as she stared at the couple. “He thinks he can just-”

 

Nyota clamped her mouth shut as she remembered herself. That and she had been speaking in Vulcan. Whether her friends caught on or not, she couldn’t say. She couldn’t take her eyes off of them.

 

As if privy to her regard, Spock looked up and met her gaze with unsettlingly evenness. That achy feeling that she felt as he bandaged her hand again burned at her sternum as he stared at her unblinking. At the same time she put her hand against her chest, the girl beside him glanced up at Spock and then over to her.

 

Her gaze was neither spiteful nor defensive. If anything it felt curious as she looked Nyota over with bright black eyes. Nyota did not return the gaze and instead walked off to where Ryan was chatting with James and Leslie.

 

Ryan’s face was beautiful as he grinned at her return. “There you are! I was starting to feel abandoned.”

 

Nyota wrapped an arm around his waist and gave him her most charming smile. “I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you.”

 

She took his hand and drew him towards the dance floor, ignoring the dull ache Spock inspired earlier in her chest. The automated DJ was running through a list of heavy bass dance jams which didn’t necessarily lend themselves to a girl trying to navigate a dance floor with 4 inch heels.  

 

Nyota made due with what moves were available to her and was pleased to see that Ryan followed along. His hands never traveled further than her waist though his moves were heavy in the hip department. 

 

As the last song blended into the next Ryan brought Nyota against him and swayed hand in hand. With her back to his chest he rocked them back and forth on the down beat while his other hand moved onto the flare of her hip.

 

Nyota shimmied and twirled on one foot as he extended her arm out and away from him. He whistled and pulled her back. “You move like a star, Uhura.”

 

“That’s because I am,” she shouted smugly over the music. Her friends joined in and soon most of their class became an undulating mass of bodies. The more fun she had the more Nyota’s mind released thoughts of Spock. Ryan’s silly flirtiness was doing wonders for her mood and the more time passed the more she found herself flirting back. 

 

She was just getting into the groove of the next song when she had the strangest sensation assault her. A sudden flash of heat washed over her and left her feeling cold. She misstepped and tumbled into Ryan’s chest as another, stronger wave swept over her. 

 

Ryan braced her against him with his hands gripping her biceps as carefully as he could. “Whoa. Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, yeah...I just got hot there for a second,” she said weakly.

 

Ryan smiled sympathetically and ran a hand over her shoulder. “Sorry about that. I really should come with warning labels.”

 

“Ha. Ha. Cute.” Nyota scoffed regaining her balance. The hot flashes had stopped but a cold, jagged feeling remained lodged in her throat. She coughed to clear it but it had no affect. “I think I need something to drink.”

 

Ryan nodded and led her over to the nearest table. “Now that I can help you with. My cousin is manning the punchbowl,” he said, nodding towards Hikaru. “You want anything to eat too?”

 

Nyota shook her head and took a deep breath as she sat down. “No just punch thanks.”

 

She smiled after his retreating form until she got a glimpse of someone very tall and very still staring at her. Spock. Great, that was just great. Now they were both brooding apparently.

 

_ Well he doesn’t deserve to brood. I put myself out there and he shot me down. If he really wanted me he would have asked me out and...well...he would have done a lot of things differently! _

 

Nyota glowered back him and silently mouthed the words  _ ‘Fuck off,’ _ before turning her body to the right. She crossed her legs and bounced her feet over the knee of her other leg and waited for Ryan to return. 

 

Of all the nerve! Where did he get off glaring at her?! Even now she could still feel him glaring at her. She sucked her teeth and turned her body further away. 

 

“I hate this.” 

 

“What was that?” 

 

Nyota jerked around to see Ryan standing over her with a drink in each hand. She flustered and coughed again to clear away the jagged feeling in her throat  “I hate this scene. I kinda wanna jet out of here.”

 

She accepted her drink and Ryan sipped at his as he looked the dance over. “I don’t mind leaving. You want to take pictures though?”

 

Nyota smiled and put her drink down on the table. “Yeah! Let’s-”

 

The moment her hand touched his the feverish flash of heat moved over her again. She huffed at the air and shook her head, stunned. Then it dawned on her. Him. It was…

 

Nyota looked back to where she had last seen Spock. She found him standing even closer to the dance floor, looking right at where her hand was met Ryan’s. His stare was pointed but unfocused as if he was zoned out, but somehow she felt he wasn’t.

 

To test her suspicions Nyota stood up and placed a hand at Ryan’s lapel. There she acted like she was adjusting his boutonniere when she felt the sensation of sweltering heat again. She blinked over in Spock’s direction and saw his eyes were now glued to her hands roaming across his suit.

 

She sniffed at him dismissively and looped her arm around Ryan. Whatever this weird feeling bullshit was, she wasn’t dealing with it anymore tonight. “You know what, our parents already took our pictures. Let’s just leave.”

 

Ryan gestured towards the door and let her lead. “Ladies first.”

 

The hot flashes continued on even after they left but their intensity faded as the distance between her and the prom (and Spock) grew. Ryan seemed pleased that she was feeling better and drove her around the innerloop until he turned around in Springfield.

 

“Where do you want to go now?” he asked circling back onto the highway.

 

Nyota shrugged as she weighed the options. There were plenty of places to eat but she wasn’t hungry. And while she was old enough now to get into a club she didn’t feel like dancing anymore.

 

Her parents were out late but could show up at anytime. As much as she was having fun talking with Ryan in the car she wasn’t so keen on having him drive around all night. 

 

She looked over to where he was staring out at the road and bit her lip. “You want to chill back at my place for a little bit?”

 

He grinned, still staring out at the road and switched lanes. “Yeah, cool! I’d love to. People wouldn’t know it but I’m a world class cuddler.”

 

Nyota giggled nervously and chewed more at her lip. “I like cuddling.”

 

Ryan grinned and gave her a quick wink. “We’ll see.”

 

When they arrived at her house, only the carriage light and the ceiling sconce in the foyer were lit. Nyota unlocked the door and put down her purse on the entryway table. “Here it is. Nothing special but I like it.”

 

She walked over to the wall, muttering about her feet. “These were killer on my toes! I can’t wait to get these off!”

 

Ryan studied what he could see of the house while Nyota struggled with her footwear. “Really nice.”

 

Nyota cursed at the stubborn buckle of her heels that refused to unlatch when Ryan came closer. “Nyota…?”

 

She glanced up from where she was hunched and blinked at the look he gave her. She stood up slowly and watched as his hands came down around her shoulders and his face tilted over towards hers. “I want to kiss you. I’ve wanted to all night.”

 

“Okay,” she whispered softly as he guided her back along the wall. “Nice and slow.”

 

He grunted and pushed his mouth against hers. Nyota closed her eyes and let him lead, unsure of how she felt about it all. She shifted along the wall and nervously met his mouth with a kiss of her own. 

 

“Mmm you kiss so good.”

 

“...thanks…”

 

His lips weren’t like Spock’s at all. The pink flesh was surprisingly firm and not nearly as warm. 

 

Disappointment rang through her as his hands inspired nothing but hope that things would get better. 

 

“Hey space cadet, tune in to this frequency? Are you with me here?”

 

Nyota blinked and gave him a sheepish smile. “Yeah...sorry.”

 

It wasn’t all Ryan’s fault. Some of it lay on her end. Try as she might she could not rein herself in from comparing the high school hottie’s advances to that of her Vulcan neighbor.

 

When she kissed Spock she  _ felt _ him. How delicate she felt underneath his fingers, how pleasing it was to him that she was so eager to kiss him too. Most tantalizing had been the fact that he had labored to keep his mental faculties in control, less he meld with her as he desired to. Neither would ask the other...it would be too much, too taboo. But both of them wanted too.

 

“Just remember I want to take things slow,” Nyota repeated as he tugged her blouse free from her skirt and ran his hands underneath its hem. 

 

“MmmHmm,” he replied noncommittally, kissing at her face. “I won’t do anything you won’t like.”

 

He moved his hand beneath her blouse and cupped her left breast in his palm. Nyota frowned against his mouth as he mashed her breasts between her chest and his palm, in some sort of gropey massage. 

 

He did the same with the other and hummed into her mouth when he ran a thumb over her nipple. Nyota fidgeted and tried to find some sort of pleasure in it all. He was eager and experienced, she guessed, but the way he touched her made her feel like he was kneading bread. “Touch me somewhere else.”

 

Ryan drew his hands away and smiled against her mouth. “Ah...I think I know where…”

 

Nyota gasped as his hands run up along the outside of her legs and moved towards the middle. “Ryan, what are you doing?”

 

“Touching you somewhere else.”

 

“I don’t know…” she mumbled, tightening her legs around his hand.

 

“You’ll like this. See.”

 

He gently cupped his hand over her and rubbed. Nyota swallowed and tired to settle her nerves over the sensation of someone touching her intimately. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either.

 

“See. Did it hurt?”

 

“No.”

 

He smiled at her softly as he stilled his hand. “You’re so pretty.”

 

“Thank you.” She moved her face away as he came forward for another kiss and twisted her lips as he mouthed at her neck. Why did she feel so conflicted? He wasn’t even that bad but she felt so uncomfortable. 

 

Ryan was still kissing at her neck as he hooked his fingers around her underwear. “I know something that feels even better. Will you let me show you?”

 

“What’s that?”

 

He smiled at her and chuckled. “It’s a surprise.”

 

His hands began to wonder back between her legs. When she shut them and shook her head. “I want to go slower.”

 

Ryan nodded and put on a very concerned face. “I totally understand and respect that. I don’t want you to feel weird or anything...but I am going slow.”

 

Nyota put her hands down in front of her lap and bit her lip. “Not slow enough. I’ve never done it before.”

 

A strange expression crossed his face as he studied her. “Seriously? I thought you and- wow, I’m sorry. You’re right. I’ll go way slower and make sure this is really special for you.”

 

Her cupped her cheek and the small of her back as he leaned forward for another kiss when the hot flashes she had felt earlier during the prom returned with vengeance. 

 

Nyota gasped for air in Ryan’s embrace when a bone-chilling sound filled the air. The pair paused, Nyota worried about an intruder while Ryan was scared it was her parents.

 

“Remove your hands from her.”

 

Nyota and her date both turned to find Spock glaring at them from just inside her front door. When his eyes landed on her Nyota felt them score her skin. She wilted but didn’t look away. As much as she was upset with him, she felt a great measure of relief at his presence. 

 

When his eyes dropped to where her underwear hung around her knees, Spock visibly curled his lips away from his teeth and snarled.

 

Still wearing the fierce expression, Spock whipped his head back towards Ryan. “Leave the premises.”

 

Ryan shuffled away from where Nyota was braced against the wall and shot him an angry scoff. “Or what  _ Vulcan _ ?”

 

Spock stalked towards them and hissed between his teeth. “Or else,  _ Human _ -”

 

Spock moved to stand in front of Nyota while staring down her date. “-I will  _ make _ you. Leave.  _ Now _ .”

 

Ryan blew a breath from his mouth and began to walk away when he lunged towards him. In the time that it took for Nyota to gasp, Spock had deflected two of Ryan’s blow and landed one of his own.

 

Ryan staggered back as the open-handed hit pushed him against the far wall. Spock came closer and growled at him again. “ Leave!”

 

Ryan glared up at him and surged up off the floor. Spock retreated but not in enough time to avoid getting clipped on the chin by Ryan’s head. It dazed him enough that he shook his head to clear the spots in his vision. 

 

Sensing an opening Ryan tackled Spock to the hardwood floor and proceeded to punch him across the cheek. Spock’s head snapped back and slowly rolled to the floor as he laid there in a daze.

 

Her voice soared over the noisy scuffle on the floor as she moved to draw it to a halt. “No! Ryan stop it!” 

 

Hobbled by her forgotten underwear, she hopped over to his shoulder. “Stop it.”

 

He pushed her hands away and shouted over his shoulder. “No, you stop! For once tonight let me do something without stopping me! I wouldn’t have gone out with you if I knew you were going to be this much trouble and this fucking frigid! You’ve been curving me all damn night and for what?!”

 

Fury and embarrassment watered her eyes as she stumbled back away from him. She had been trying her best to please Ryan but it still hadn’t been enough to satisfy the desire for what he really wanted. “Fuck you, Goddard…!” she warbled. 

 

Ryan shook his head and groaned out her in a sing-song. “I literally wish you would, Nyota! You’re a real class A bitch, you know that. All night you’ve been leading me on...only so when the time was prime for me to hear you whining ‘slow down,’ ‘be slow,’ go slow’. Fucking bullshit! Why did you go out with me if you didn’t want to?!”

 

“Going on a date isn’t the same thing as sex, Ryan!” she screamed.

 

He scoffed and narrowed his eyes at her. “I don’t know why I even got so excited. You’re not even that good looking anyways. You’re skinny as hell. You have those tiny-ass boobs and ass isn’t even all that big either. You’re like a stick!”

 

Nyota swiped angrily at her tears as each insult clawed into her insecurities. She put on the bravest face she could and flipped Ryan the bird. “Yeah, like you’re a prize!”

 

He leered victoriously as he watched his words hit home and continued to dig. “The only normal thing about you is probably your pussy but then again maybe that’s why you haven’t fucked anyone yet. Is it just as ugly as you? Is it-”

 

His tirade was cut short as Spock regained his consciousness and socked him across the jaw. Ryan flew off from where he straddled him and held his jaw. “Oww! Son of a bitch!”

 

Spock crawled over on his hands and knees and took a hold of Ryan’s neck. Ryan’s hands grabbed at Spock’s arm as he sputtered for air.

 

Spock loomed over him and spoke in a voice Nyota could hardly recognize.  “ _ Apologize _ .”

 

Ryan was flushing bright red as he struggled to get free. “What?!”

 

“ _ Eit’jae thrap-fam’es nufau _ ,” he demanded, slipping into Vulcan.

 

Nyota looked from his face back to Ryan’s and translated. “He wants you to beg forgiveness.”

 

“What the fuck? No! ACk! Fine! OK, ok, ok, ok! I’m sorry!”

 

Spock’s hold didn’t relent as he felt the lack of conviction behind his words. “ _ Lying _ .”

 

“Spock.” Nyota shuffled over to him and bent down to where he was ringing Ryan’s neck. “Please stop.”

 

Her hand grazed his bare arm as she went to touch his shoulder and his hand flinched open from around Goddard’s neck.

 

Ryan coughed and sneered at them. “Fuck you...weirdos...I’m gonna call the cops.”

 

Nyota shook and yelled back at him. “And say what? You went after him first! What dumbass attacks a Vulcan? You’re out of your mind! He could have killed you!”

 

Ryan wheezed and coughed again as he crawled away and cursed them both again. “Spock.”

 

Spock was still staring at the door long after Ryan left, bristling with unspent anger. 

 

Nyota tried again to gain Spock’s attention by cupping his face between her hands. “Spock.”

 

He moved with her touch but stared past her to the door Ryan had slammed behind him. “Spock?”

 

He still seemed out of it as he finally answered her. “He hurt you.”

 

She shook her head and smiled. “No that push wasn’t anything. He-”

 

“He  _ hurt _ you.” Spock empathized laying a hand on his chest. “He made you feel unsafe and then he proceeded to hurt you with his words.”

 

Nyota blinked away tears as she shrugged and pulled at her panties. “He was just trying to get a rise out of me.”

 

Spock shook his head and glared again at the door. “He hurt you and he  _ touched _ you. He should not have. He should have asked permission. He was taking without asking.”

 

Nyota pursed her lips in confusion over his stilted sentences. Why was Spock talking so weird. It was clear from his behavior now and at the dance that he did not relish Ryan’s hands on her but she hadn’t stop to think how she felt about the senior’s hands on her. 

 

She had been uncomfortable but she had chalked it up to nerves. Was there something else she hadn’t noticed or something more she had yet to see?

 

The pining pain that ached at her chest returned as he turned his gaze away from the door to regard her. “I apologize.”

 

Nyota sniffed at the water dripping from her nose and gave him a puzzled look. “What for?”

 

Spock took her wrists into his hands and stared at her mournfully. “I also hurt you. I, too, took without asking. I hurt you with my words.”

 

The ache in her chest blossom into a something new as she felt her body leaning closer to his. His fingers closed around her arms and she felt his remorse dial into an even sharper focus.

 

_ Miss you. _

 

That was clear in the way he gazed at her, looking for all the world like he might break if she were to send him away. There was something else that she felt as he held her wrists, something sweet and...she didn’t know how to describe it other than she had to get closer, she needed it.

 

She came forward and Spock moved her up against him with her legs on either side of his lap. She needed something from him now that she didn’t know how to ask for. She was desperate for whatever it was and thought as much as he reclaimed his hold on her wrists. He wanted to control her touching of him but why?

 

He seemed to comprehend both her need and ailment but hesitated to help. He tried turning his head away but his eyes refused to follow along, trained onto her face.

 

“I’m sorry too. I ignored you and I miss you so much that it hurts,” she whispered to him gently. She shut her eyes and pled with him softly. “please...”

 

He swallowed and labored to even his breath. He shook his head even as he answered her. “I should not.”

 

At his denial the ache pitched higher still. Nyota shuddered and collapsed against him with a whimper. “Please. Spock.”

 

He looked more crestfallen than she had ever seen him as he gazed down at her face. “Give me permission.”

 

“For what? To kiss?”

 

“For everything.”

 

If the sincerity of his delivery didn’t shake her enough then the emotions she sensed through his touch magnified her disequilibrium. She both heard and absorbed his communication. “I did not want to take her.”

 

Nyota didn’t ask who; she didn’t have to. The Vulcan girl. Nyota bit her lip and nodded but Spock shook his head. “You do not understand. I  _ had _ to. It behooved me to do so but I did not  _ want _ to. I  _ want _ you.”

 

The blossoming feeling that made her light and heavy all at once enveloped the ache she felt in her ribs. He moved his arm to brace her lower back and released her right wrist to caress her face. He held his palm there against her cheek, warming her skin as well as numbing it with the side effects of his psionic touch. “Do I have permission to kiss you?”

 

Thoughts of the girl he was promised to flooded her mind but were dashed away with an image of herself.

 

_ Yours. _

 

Nyota blinked at thought took a more solidified form.  _ Her smiling face asking for his friendship forever. A promise he made and subsequently broke as he let his emotions overrun him and hurt her. And his intended...the irony of that; he never intended to speak for her as his. He hurt Nyota and he missed her. And he… _

 

Nyota took his hand from her face and interlaced their fingers until their palms touched. Spock inhaled loudly as the caress brought her into a sharper mental focus. He had never been so close to her before and the thrill of it had him shivering with excitement. “ Nyota.”

As best she could Nyota shuffled closer and crushed her mouth against his. Emotion flooded her as his tongue parted her lips and sought her own. Nyota moaned into his mouth as Spock shifted his fingers against hers. 

 

The hand he had along her back moved lower, pushing and pulling at her clothing and underwear until he could touch where she wanted his hands. Where her initial foray into heavy petting was lukewarm at best, Spock’s touch was setting her on fire. 

 

It wasn’t how he was touching but simply that he  _ was _ touching her. She could feel his eagerness to do so each time his fingers pushed or brushed across her skin. He slanted his lips to open his mouth wider as he danced his fingers down her waist. 

 

A strangled sound filled her throat as he cupped her rear and rocked himself against her.

 

Nyota broke the kiss to gasp for air and clawed at Spock scalp as his hands tore open her blouse and he mouthed a trailed with his lips down between her breasts.

 

Nyota contorted herself to kiss what she could of him in an ecstatic frenzy. His ears, the side of his neck, his temple, the side of his mouth, everything she could reach she pressed her lips to in sweet adoration. 

 

Spock exchanged each one for a kiss of his own, whether human or Vulcan, neither seemed to care. He pulled further at her clothes seeking each and every inch of her skin when his hand swept over her cheek. 

 

It was a casual glance of his fingers but the action of it brought them closer still.

 

_ Yes. That,  _ they thought in unison as he meshed his hand over her face. An indescribable pleasure shook them both as he joined their minds together in the first meld between them. 

 

Nyota gulped at the air and clutched his shoulders for grounding support. It felt as if she could lose herself in him like this. No matter how blissful it was it scared her to be so submerged. “Spock? What are you doing?”

 

He started to draw his hand away when she caught it with her own. “No. Stay. Please.”

 

He seemed reticent to continue until Nyota kissed him again. Pleasure fizzled between their lips and bubbled across their tongues in the new dimension the meld brought them . His hand skimmed across her groin, dredging up lust in its wake as it sought the space between her legs.

 

Nyota splayed them wider in a physical move of permission and Spock took the invitation without protesting. In a not so nimble twist of fingers he moved her underwear aside and slowly slid his finger across her. The pleasure she felt arched and she focused on the pressure of his fingers as he explored her further. 

 

He was uncertain of his actions though she could feel from him that this was not his first time taking such measures. For her though, Spock wanted to do his best in making her pleasure first and foremost.

 

Ever so slowly and with her mind to guide him, Spock sent his fingers to touch Nyota deeper and was rewarded with mind numbing surge of excitement as she rocked against his hand. That same effervescent fizzle rang through her as he pulled his hand away and sank back in.

 

“Spock,” she whined against his lips as she bucked her hips.

 

Spock moved his mouth away from hers and nipped gently at her jaw. He wanted her so badly but he held himself back. All thoughts of inadequacy were fully extinguished when she touched him. To have her moaning beneath him,,,all other thoughts were pushed from his mind. So wonderful. 

 

What that….male...had said to her, could not be further from the truth. Nyota was everything he had ever wanted. Ryan had tried to strip the most...beautiful woman Spock knew of her pride and glory and he would not for one moment tolerate it.

 

Nyota grew self-conscious over the thought but Spock surged forward.  _ Beautiful, so so beautiful. Most beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful Nyota. _

 

He ran his thumb across her and kissed at her neck.  _ Beautiful. Yours. _

 

Nyota cradled his head in her hands and pushed against his hand.  _ No. Yours. _

 

She felt his nose flare as he inhaled sharply and moved to kiss her once more.  _ Mine _ .

 

In what felt like moments, minutes and an endless amount of hours Nyota moved over his hand until she cried out into the quiet air of the foyer. There was a prick of pain at her shoulder as Spock planted a particularly toothy kiss to her shoulder and crushed her tightly against his chest.

 

He seized her mouth in a ferocious kiss and began to pull at his pants with the hand that wasn’t melding with her. Nyota sought to help him in his effort when her fingers froze at the slam of a car door. The pair of them looked towards the door and heard another and the faint rumble of her father’s voice growing stronger and closer to the front door. 

 

Faster than she thought he could move and with more strength than she thought possible, Spock gathered her into his arms and flew up the stairs to her room. He left the door open, knowing the rules of her house dictated that she keep them open and helped her strip off her clothing. 

 

Nyota pushed at his hands until she saw that he was trying desperately to help her change into her pajamas. She acquiesced and stole a few kisses along the way as he pulled her sleep top over her head. 

 

She was just slipping off her shoes and preparing to slid on her shorts when her mother’s voice called up from the entryway. “ Nyota~! Je, kuwa na muda mzuri? (Did you have a good time)?”

 

“ Hi mama! Nyodi mimi,” she called out, Spock took one last kiss with their fingers. 

_ Mine _

 

She smiled back at him but pushed him back towards the far wall. “You have to leave before they kill us both!” she whispered.

 

Spock nodded, pulled the window open and started to climb out when he paused. “I want to see you again.”

 

Nyota giggled and playfully pushed his shoulder. “You see me all the time.”

 

“Not in the fashion in which I saw you tonight.”

 

Nyota’s eyes grew wide as she remembered what had transpired between them just minutes before on the foyer floor. 

 

“Nyota,” her father’s voice boomed. “U sivaa viatu vyako ndani ya nyumba! You have scuffed up the floor in those heels!”

 

Nyota flushed hotly as yet another reminder hit her. “Samahani, baba. Nita!”

 

Turning back to Spock, she held his hand again and smiled. Shyly, she whispered. “I want to see you too.”

 

Spock’s mouth twitched with a tickling burst of giddiness in her chest as he nodded. They kissed once more before he descended to the ground in a leap she was sure would have either rattled or broken her bones. 

 

She watched him until he disappeared into the night’s darkness and went to the bathroom to wash her face and smile like an idiot into the mirror.

 

\------ Spock

 

Spock paused in front of his house, alarmed. All of the lights were on. At first he considered that Ryan Goddard had in fact called the authorities but no police vehicle was near their house or in their driveway.

 

He stepped inside as the door opened and felt the blood rush out of his face. There on the couches sat his father, mother, T’Pring and her escort for the trip. On the comm behind them was a split screen of his uncle and T’Pring’s parents.

 

As he looked from face to face, Spock did not relish what he saw. Whoever did not appear to be unnecessarily grim appeared to be actively suppressing their anger. 

 

And that’s when he noticed the suitcases off to the right of the door. They were the same three that he usually took with him on his trips to Vulcan, but why were they down?

 

When Spock looked back at the gathered assembly his father rose from his seat and his mother cleared her throat.

 

“Mother?” he asked, unsure of what to say.

 

She rolled her lips against one another, gazed down, and shook her head solemnly. The look she gave him when she gazed back up further agitated him. “What is it?”

 

She sighed and pinched her lips. “Sit down. We need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know it's another doozy.


	17. Vulcans do not cry

“Unless you have any questions about the facilities or curriculum, your completed registration has been approved and you are free to leave.”

 

Spock refocused his gaze from staring into space over to the face of the waiting admin. He was about to shake his head no when he remembered Vulcans did not perform such a gesture for the negative. 

 

Taking a deep breath Spock tilted his head and slowly dipped it to one side. “That is all.”

 

The admin nodded. “Very well. May your studies here at the Science Academy be exemplary. Live long and prosper.” 

 

“Peace and long life,” he answered with as much neutrality as he could muster. 

 

The admin went back to tracking files and appointments on her comm soon after he formed the ta’al and Spock took it as a signal to leave.

 

He rose out of his chair and walked towards the lobby entrance. He scanned his schedule as he exited to the campus yard and sighed. He could manage the courses but the course load would be taxing as would the people present in the courses….or rather person.

 

He really couldn’t be upset with anyone other than himself but the cost of his romantic indiscretion had been far too high. 

 

“Spock?”

 

Spock lowered his PADD and turned towards the sound of his name. He knew who he would see but it still surprised him to hear the owner of the voice call out to him. He nodded towards the approaching figure and tucked his PADD into his satchel. “Stonn.”

 

The somber-looking male nodded and neatly folded his fingers into a ta’al of greeting. Stonn had matured considerably since he had last seen him. The lanky frame of his youth had been filled out enough so that he no longer appear gaunt. 

 

His clothes were an eclectic mix of contemporary pieces that were rounded out with a traditional robe. Spock supposed he would have looked much the same if he had grown up alongside Stonn on Vulcan.  

 

Stonn was silent as well, probably doing a similar assessment. Spock had only supplemented his Vulcan attire during his summer visits and had nothing but one thicker evening robe that he still fit into could still wear. 

 

As it was he wore what causal Terran attire he owned until he could go shopping for something less...conspicuous. The white long sleeve shirt and dark blue jeans he wore now was garnering more attention than he wanted.

 

Stonn thankfully made no comment and went on to greet him. “Yes. Well met. I could not be sure that it was you unless I called. The last news I heard of you since our enok-kal fi-lar was that you were residing on Terra with plans to pursue a career in Starfleet?”

 

“Circumstances arose that, unfortunately, changed matters. I will be attending VSA starting tomorrow with a concentration in biology, physics and computer sciences.”

 

Stonn’s gaze grew bewildered at his answer. “Three disciplines?”

 

Spock nodded and gestured with his head, a motion that translated to a shrug. “I have nothing but time and enjoy all three. I had already been working towards a degree in the former two while on Terra and had the applicable credits transferred.”

 

Stonn shuffled his hands into the pockets of his outer robe and canted his head towards him.“ You were accepted to the academy?”

 

Spock made a pointed lift of an eyebrow and tilted his head over to the same direction. “Why would I not have been?”

 

Stonn blinked at his gaffe and make a Vulcan shake of his head. “My apologies, no offense is given. Congratulations.”

 

He bobbed his chin towards his chest in a show of curiosity. “I only meant to express my surprise over your choice in continued education and career. I thought you meant to stay at your residence on Terra?”

 

“I had thought the same but it seems that my bondmate wished me here on Vulcan,” Spock replied, beginning to walk towards the campus shuttle station. The conversation was not unpleasant, but he didn’t particularly feel like speaking with anyone. 

 

No.  That was not true. There was one person but she was not allowed to call him, not that she would have known. His uncle, under his father’s advisement, had blocked all known comm signals from her and her associates. 

 

Spock clenched his hand to his side as the familiar ache in his chest flared up again. It was a near constant companion with how much he thought about her. He grit his teeth and willed the ache to diminish its strength. He wasn’t able to dispel it completely. He wasn’t able to stop thinking about Nyota nor did he desire too.

 

The blue-eyed male had fallen into step with him and was quiet for a beat too long to be neutral after Spock’s answer. “Truly?”

 

“I would not be standing before you if she had not willed it,” Spock responded. That statement in itself was truer than Stonn would ever know.

 

Stonn gave a curt nod and stared straight ahead. “How is she? Your bondmate. Is she gratified to have retained your company once more?”

 

“I suppose your speculation would be as good as mine. If you would excuse me, I will be late for my next appointment if I do not leave now. Live long and prosper.”

 

Stonn fumbled with his hand as he sought to bid him well but it was no matter. Witnessing Stonn’s astonishment as Spock implied that Stonn was as familiar with T’Pring as he was did nothing to soothe the anguish he felt in being sent away. 

 

For seven weeks Spock had strenuously labored to build a comm and contact Nyota with the goodbye he had been denied to give. Each attempt to contact her however had failed, leading him to grew more anxious with each passing day. 

 

When he had traveled to Vulcan in the past it was always with the knowledge and the assurance that he would come home to Terra by a given date. Now, thanks to his parents, he was confined here for the foreseeable future. When had Vulcan, his sister home to Terra, become his prison?

 

As the shuttle came to a stop before him, he wondered what she thought about his disappearance. He worried that she would begin to despise him for it. 

 

He hoped, no matter how illogical, that Nyota would come to the conclusion that he would never willingly leave Terra or her. Surely she knew that he adored her; he shared that much in the meld on their last night together. 

 

Why she had been so upset about his withholding information over his potential attendance at the Vulcan Science Academy and promised mate was now fully illuminated. He had to admit he had not considered how how it would all play out and what it felt like to receive life-changing news with no warning.

 

Spock grabbed ahold of one of the poles in front of the shuttle and settled into the ache at his side as he gazed out the windows. 

 

If only he had known he would leave that same night, he would have done so much more. Every way he touched her Nyota welcomed with one of her own. Both of them had been so eager and willing that the missed opportunity pained him. 

 

Then there was the disappointment that he had caused her earlier. Though not directly expressed Spock had felt the emotions surrounding his not asking her to prom.

 

She wanted him, had wanted him as hers for a time now and he had waited to admit the same until it was too late. One of the new passengers from the crowd loading onto the bus bumped his shoulder and brought Spock to the present time.

 

A cursory survey showed that he was just a few blocks away from his uncle’s domicile. He moved eased himself forward and departed from the rapidly filling transport flitter, deciding to walk the rest of the way.

 

The suns were still low and the air was still still relatively cool at 92 degrees fahrenheit. He ignored the looks along the way, the inquiring glances that were puzzled by his clothes and then by his choice to wear them. 

 

The children did not bother him as much as the adults. They were young and careless in their innocent stares and loud commentary. The adults who pointedly stared at him and did not look away when he met their gaze was much more unsettling. Whether male or female, Spock was left to wonder why they would stare at him in such a fashion.

 

He liked to think it was because he had grown used to humans’ mixed reactions and their desire to be polite in their behavior concerning him. Vulcans had no such decorum for curiosity. 

 

It was innate for Vulcans to wonder about the hows and whys, and to do so uncolored by emotion that would lead to judgement instead of the desired truthful awareness. Spock knew from experience that it was nearly impossible it was for beings not to have some form of bias.

 

Spock entered his uncle’s home with a brief nod in his direction before heading towards his room. Silek stared after him as he dropped off his bag and entered the bathroom. With the door closed behind him, Spock closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady himself.

 

His hands were shaking at his side and his jaw was clenched to the point of aching. He did not want to do this. He did not want to be here. He did not want to be away from her and never had he had to suppress so much. 

 

Rage. Disappointment. Guilt. Scorn.

 

_ Longing _ .

 

The last emotion had Spock reeling from the other four unable to dispel them no matter how hard he willed it.

 

At any moment it felt like he might come apart. Meditation only did so much. Physical training helped very little once his energy was spent and school could only distract him until his studies were complete.

 

But one thing was made abundantly clear; family interactions did not help.

 

With the upcoming semester Spock could add his name to the list for public housing as a student at the academy. As heartening as that would seem, the waitlist was discouragingly long. He could work and use his savings in the meantime to acquire a separate residence but he wanted to hold on to what savings he had.

 

Once he concluded his visit to the lavatory, Spock rushed back to his room. He was looking forward to visiting a store that might afford him the opportunity to make interstellar calls anonymously.

 

He gathered the PADDs lining his desk and checked the comm in his satchel for missed calls when his uncle called to him from outside his bedroom door. “Spock.”

 

He finished latching his bag with a silent curse and unlatched the door. “Yes, Uncle?”

 

“Did you consume your morning meal?” 

 

Spock could feel Silek’s eyes searching his face as he waited for the answer. He seemed concerned, worried even. He relaxed fractionally with that assessment and gave a single nod. “I did.”

 

His Uncle exhaled heavily at his clipped answer. “Very well.”

 

“If that is all-”

 

“It is not.”

 

Spock suppressed the glare rising up with his ire and stared at him.

 

“I have been meaning to discuss attempt charges to our COMM account. It seems that you were placing calls to Earth.” 

 

Spock nodded, heat rising to his face. “And this is up for discussion because?”

 

“Because the comm in question belongs to the Uhuras.”

 

“I am allowed to contact my friends,” he huffed defensively.

 

Silek took in the cant of Spock’s dark brows and pursed his lips. “Yes but I think we can all agree that Ms. Uhura is much more than a friend to you and that it was best that you refrain from all contact until all parties affected by your... _ behavior _ think it safe to resume communication,” he sternly repudiated. 

 

Spock grit his teeth and narrowed his eyes. “It was never a proposal I agreed to,” he challenged.

 

His uncle gestured with a Vulcan shrug and narrowed his gaze right back at him. “Your parents and T’Pring did it on your behalf. A gesture for which you might feel gratitude, once more time has passed from the incident.”

 

“I highly doubt that,” he muttered.

 

“One is entitled to their opinions,” his uncle drawled back.

 

“If that is all- “ Spock started again only to be cut off once more.

 

“Unfortunately it is not. There is also the matter of…” Silek paused, not sure of how he wanted to proceed. “-certain downloaded materials that are exceptionally graphic in nature...”

 

Spock flushed an even brighter green and felt his voice crack as he raised it. “How is what is on my personal comm a matter of yours?”

 

Silek’s mouth twitched down in the corners as he was quickly losing the his patience. “One might conclude that if you have need of such material that you might seek relief elsewhere….perhaps through a bondmate?”

 

_ Ah, that is where he is driving his point. _ Spock’s hand tightened on the strap of his bag and he angrily lifted his chin. “She does not want me.”

 

“Nonsense. Your father said-“

 

“I do not care what he said or has to say. My father is not my bondmate nor does he know her. She does not want me.”

 

_ And I do not want her _ , he thought quietly. 

 

Silek actually frowned then and shook his head. “Show respect to your father, Spock.” 

 

“From what little opinion I hold of him I assure you, uncle, that I am.”

 

An expression, sharp and cold, flew over Silek’s face as he took in his words. “Your present circumstances are all due to the choices you made.”

 

“From the conditions I did not chose.” 

 

The anger lurking beneath the surface of his threadbare control boiled at his throat as Spock fought to beat it down. He cared for his uncle and knew that much was the same for Silek in regards to himself,  But his father’s actions could not be anything that they could agree upon. Spock consciously chose not to drive a wedge between himself and Silek. 

 

He stepped closer towards the door and stood toe to toe with his frustrated caretaker. “I will delete the material from  _ my _ comm and adhere to the rules of  _ your _ domicile but I will not cease my friendship with Nyota just because  _ you all  _ think I should.”

 

Silek’s stern face faltered as he studied him. All too late did Spock realize his vision was blurred and his face wet. He swiped at his cheek and stared at the water in disbelief. Vulcans did not cry.

 

The soft sound of his uncle’s voice tore his gaze away from the water that betrayed his emotions. “It is not what I think that matters. It is the concern of your bondmate.”

 

Spock shook his head, uncaring that Vulcans did not use the gesture. “She has no opinion on the matter.”

 

Silek tilted his head. “How can you be so sure?” 

 

“We have a mutual acquaintance that I believe what tell me otherwise if I were wrong,” Spock said quietly.

 

Silek’s demeanor changed once more as he mulled over his words. Whether he took them at their face value or read between the lines to what Spock was implying, Spock hadn’t a clue. 

 

Silek stepped back and gestured towards the front of the house. “T’Mar will be back from her studies abroad and plans to prepare end meal at 10 standard. Will you be joining us.”

 

Spock nodded and silently sniffed at the liquid threatening to drip free from his nostrils. He enjoyed his aunt’s company no matter how rare it was. “Yes, thank you. If you would excuse me.”

 

“By all means.”

 

Spock was nearly out of the door when Silek called out to him one last time. “Your sister called while you were away at the Academy. Like the rest of your family, she requests that you return her call.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Spock I'm always sending him away in my fics LOL


	18. Emotions in tandem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyota thinks about Spock and wonders what's happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spock's emotional upset lightyears away transmitted over to Nyota. I don't know if that was conveyed but I'm going to be blunt and say it now.

_ “Hold still you two!” her mother laughs as she holds the comm steady. Nyota’s arm is around his shoulders and pulling their faces against one another. He feels the affection in her touch and the cool soft satin of her cheek as she smiles and makes a gesture with her hand at the comm’s lens.  _

_ Spock knows his face is betraying him as a hot blush sweeps over him. No one that wasn’t his family had ever been so close to his person or so openly accepted him. It is both gratifying and horribly embarrassing.  _

_ As he fights to soothe away the light green staining his cheeks he looks over to his parents and sees his emotions mirrored in their demeanor. His father and Mr. Uhura are engrossed in comparing the relative values of flitters in an issue of Consumer Reports.  His mother and Mrs. Uhura wear saccharine smiles. _

_ “Aren’t they just adorable?” his mother gushes, cupping her cheek and shaking her head. The gesture in tandem with the phrase is confusing to him. As much as Spock wants to ask for clarification, he is trusting that, as events unfold, he will find meaning in the context of what is done. _

Nyota stared down at the picture stretched across her screen. She remembered the day they had taken it, the joy of talking with Spock and her glee that they would possibly meet again. However this time she remembered all of his memories too, that he was nervous and at times confused, but enjoyed her company enough to not let his ignorance trouble him.

Nyota touched her cheek and ran her fingers up towards her temple. The skin there felt dead compared to what she had felt that night Spock touched her.

That thing he did with his hand to her face...it changed things for her. There were memories that gave her new insight, visions and dreams she didn’t remember having. As strange as all that was, none of it could explain away his disappearance.

And to think, she had been so happy when he had finally verbally acknowledge her and what was there between them. Vulcans. He had said it before but she almost thought he had been being mean. What did she as a human know about him as an alien?

The grip she had on her comm tightened as the thought nagged at her without answer. What did it matter anyways? He was gone.

Weeks, seven  _ stupid _ , effin’ weeks, had passed and not a word from him. The first two weeks were the most tumultuous with her believing that Ryan had gotten Spock arrested. When Ms. Amanda told her that wasn’t the case, Nyota struggled to gain a straight answer from her without giving away what had passed between the two of them.

First they said Spock was just traveling and then that he was taking a break. By week five Amanda had informed her that Spock would not be coming home for spring break. Week six brought the news that he would be attending to the Vulcan Science Academy and by week seven she no longer spoke to them.

Not that there was a them really; she hadn’t seen Amanda for almost a month now. Mr. Sarek had told Nyota that she was traveling for work but her emailed replies to Nyota came with such a speed that Nyota strongly suspected she was on Earth within the same time zone.

She knew things had always been tense between Spock’s parents, but the time surrounding Spock’s disappearance seemed to have been the last straw added to the metaphorical camel’s back.

Nyota remembered coming home from school with Janice chatting beside her. They had been bitching about how stupid it was to wear stockings with skirts instead of pants during the cold months when a loud crash interrupted their bemoaning.

They froze on the sidewalk and flinched as another crash erupted from the bowels of Spock’s house. Nyota’s lungs lurched to a stop as their door swung and Amanda emerged screaming at the top of her lungs. The way she jerked her limbs about, flinching as if she had to suppress herself, seemed comical. Humor was far from Nyota’s mind as she took in her face.

It was a mess of snot and tears. Her neck was red with anger while her face was nearly blue. Nyota opened her own mouth in an unconscious effort to have her breath but then Sarek stepped out onto the porch and Amanda went hysterical.

“You stupid,  _ stupid, _ son of bitch!” she growled. Her head was shaking from side to side in a furious disbelief. “You stupid, stupid-”

“-Amanda come inside. You are causing a scene-”

“Shut up! Shut the hell up!” she shrieked. Spittal flew from her lips as she continued to scream. “I lost my baby, Sarek! Lost my whole fucking family because you were so insistent that daddy knows best! Where  _ ARE _ they now? Where the hell are my children!”

“Amanda.”

Nyota cast her gaze from Amanda’s raging form over to Sarek. He was a surreal juxtaposition to his wife, appearing cool and aloof to her obvious anguish. His voice came out hard, rubbing Nyota’s nerves with the scold that seems to underlie it. “ _ Compose _ yourself.”

That only made Amanda madder as she stormed toward him with her trembling hands fisted at her side. “They’re  _ gone _ you arrogant fool! Gone! Across the galaxy! Lightyears away on Vulcan! Missing!” 

Her voice cracked on the last point, splitting into a discordant sound that Nyota thought must have pained her throat. “My children are gone and you and I are the common denominator.  _ You  _ driving them off and me letting you do so, you truculent-!”

“Please refrain from name calling less you regret-”

“ _ I _ !  _ HATE _ !  _ YOU _ !!!” she screamed. The saccato words resonated and filled the space of the neighborhood like magic. If everyone in that moment had heard her scream, Nyota would not have been at all surprised.

She shook with a ferocity that should have been reserved for someone on the receiving end of her rage.

Sarek had closed his eyes at her escalating display and retreated back into their home. Nyota stayed frozen in place as Amanda howled in pain, made her way to a vehicle Nyota didn’t recognize, and sat inside crying.

It was Janice pulling at her arm that finally snapped Nyota’s attention back from the flitter. Her face mirrored the shock that she felt. “C’mon. Let’s go up to your room.”

It’s hard to remember what they did after that. The memory of Amanda screaming kept replaying in a torturous loop inside her mind. As the days went by and Spock’s desk stayed empty, her messages unanswered, Nyota grew less listless in her lost love and more jaded with the world.

Nyota swiped her finger across the screen and displayed another picture, sighing. Staring back at her was an image of herself just a couple of years before on her first day of upper school. Spock stood beside her in his uniform, his crisply pressed plaid slacks matching her own pleated skirt. 

He had greeted her that morning with words of encouragement and a small box. In it had been a charm for her personal comm of 40 Eridani’s star system. Small red crystals were used to represent the stars while other semi-precious stones were polished into tiny, spinning planets. 

All of it was encapsulated inside a clear aluminum gyrosphere that replicated the orbit of each body, denoting the date, the time and the year on Vulcan.

She had gushed over it and pulled out her comm to attach it right away. He had been very modest about it, saying it was only a small trinket that was located at a tourist kisok. 

“I thought you might enjoy it. You and Christine regularly decorate your devices with lights and charms. So...I-” he stumbled over his words, at a loss for what to say.

“Thank you!” she sang cheerfully, looking down at the celestial chronometer. “I love it!”

She had stood on her tip-toes to carefully plant a quick kiss on his cheek. She remembered Spock blushing then as he again tried to persuade her that it was nothing special at all.

But just as she had with the other memory, Nyota known of his latent delight in her appreciation. That he had been able to cause that delight with such a small gift had given him even more gratification.

Nyota turned off her comm and chewed at the inside of her cheek. It wasn’t good to dwell too much with what she knew now. Not while he was gone. Not while she was left lingering with no answers to the questions plaguing her mind.

“Nyo!”

She looked up from her screen and smiled as she spotted the guy who called her. “Hey Sulu.”

“Hey girl! Why you over here frowning?” he teased, hugging her around the shoulders. Nyota leaned back into the hug with a brief smile. “Just thinking.”

“Well stop. It’s going to give you wrinkles and a headache.”

She chuckled and stretched her arms up over her head. “I’m hungry.”

He smiled and for a moment looked like a tanner version of his cousin. A look must have crossed her face because he frowned back at her. “What?”

Nyota shook her head with a half-hearted shrug of her shoulders. “Nothing. Just thought of Ryan.”

Sulu’s expression soured further. “I can’t believe he pulled that bullshit with you. The moment he went bitching and moaning about it to my brother, I went after his ass. The only thing that kept me up off of him was the fact that Spock had laid into him first.”

Nyota gave a humorless chuckle and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Nyota.” 

Sulu’s hand fell over hers as she stared down at the blank screen of her comm. She licked her lips and shrugged. “ t’s okay. I’m good. I just thought he would have called me by now. It’s not like comms are so hard to come by. His family is barely around and they’re being weird about wherever he is and whatever he’s doing.”

Sulu drummed the fingers of his other hand across the table as she spoke, thinking. “What do you think happened?”

She sighed and leaned back in her chair with a slouch. “Fuck if I know. I mean, we made out,  _ finally _ .”

“MmmHmm,” Hikaru interjected with a sly smile.

Nyota bit at her lip and failed in not smiling back as she continued. “He says he likes me, _ finally. _ He says he wants more and then ‘poof,’ he’s gone,” she motioned with a flare of her fingers. 

“He wouldn’t have just left, Nyota. You know that.”

“I do know that and that’s what’s driving me crazy. I mean, why won’t he just let me know he’s okay? Unless he...I don’t know?! Maybe he thought about it more and doesn’t like me...and he ran away or something.”

Sulu shot her a disgusted look and tilted his head. “I wasn’t even there, Ny and I know that explanation is bullshit.”

“Yeah, well...why do you think he hasn’t called me?”

His hand pulled away while his mouth twisted in contemplation. “Usually I would think the girl’s parents found out but it seems like your parents don’t know any more than you do or about you guys getting hot and heavy-ish. So maybe it was his girlfriend/wife?”

“His bondmate,” she corrected glumly.

Sulu waved his hand in the air and sucked at his teeth. “I don’t care about the name, I’m team Uhura! I’m just saying it must have been her or his dad because both of them are bitches.”

“Hikaru!” she laughed.

He playfully rolled his eyes at her and smirked. “Takes one to know one.”

Nyota shook her head and started to eye the food court behind him. “Wanna split something?”

“Sure. I’m feeling like snacking. C’mon,” he said, pulling her up out of her seat and under his arm.

The pair of them made a round across the bustling food court, gossiping about classmates and passerbys before settling on a local fast food joint. Each of them ordered a drink, a cup of juice for Ny and a soda bubble for Hikaru with a large order of fries. 

They settled down at a nearby table and watched people going up and down on the escalators. 

“You still talking with Chekov?”

Hikaru shrugged, nibbling on his fry. “Yeah, I guess but it’s really until I graduate. Starfleet is going to be chock full of goodness. He’s so wishy-washy anyways. What about you?”

Nyota snagged a fry as she finished her latest sip of juice, eyeing him critically. “What about me?”

He chewed with a knowing smirk. “I heard you and Bones might have had a little something going on…”

Nyota exhaled heavily and shook her head. “Maybe, but it’s nothing serious. We agreed on that. I just wanted to, I don’t know. Blow of steam.”

“That’s not all I heard you blew.”

Nyota gave a scandalized gasp before falling out into laughter. “Well what you heard is not what I know. We just fooled around that’s all.”

Sulu snorted.“Is that why Hendorff and Scotty were begging me to let them tag along?”

Nyota scoffed and shook her head. “They know I care about them but not like that.”

She made an angry face and pushed away the basket of food towards Sulu. “Fuck. I feel like everyone is crawling all over me now that Spock left. I mean in a way I feel flattered but mostly like a conquest or something.”

Hikaru nodded and pushed the fries back to towards her, encouraging her to eat more. “I feel you but I can hardly blame them. Spock was scary as fuck whenever someone looked at you sideways.”

“What are you even talking about?” she pouted. She had started to pick at her blue chrome nail polish when she gave into the temptation to eat another fry.

“What do you mean what do I mean? Look at you!”

Nyota glanced down at herself, taking in black fishnet capris under the blue jean shorts. A matching long sleeve fishnet shirt peeped out from under a white crop top with Space Case written in large black print across the bust. She filled it out enough but she was still felt lanky and awkward. “ Okay...I’m nice I guess.”

Sulu growled and shook his head vigorously while looking up at the ceiling. “I am going to fucking kill Ryan. No you don’t look nice I guess, you look like a fucking supermodel but Ryan’s dickish ways and Spock’s disappearing act have you second guessing yourself! You’re gorgeous Nyota and no one’s approval or judgement is going to change that.”

Nyota smiled down at the table. “Thanks Karu.”

He snorted and popped a soda bubble into his mouth. “I’m gay not blind. You’re fucking beautiful and every guy in school is tripping over their tongues to get with you.”

“That’s nice I guess.”

Nyota looked up to find his face crestfallen and his hand reaching out for hers again. “Oh Ny, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“I’m not upset.”

“Then why are you crying?”

“What?”

A touch of her face revealed the truth. She drew it away and stared down at the water in disbelief. “I don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still so touched that WhirlingSkirts edited for typos! My queen!


	19. Family Matter

_ How long shall he stand there and watch them _ , Spock pondered solemnly. Silek, the he in question, peered at him and T’Pring to make sure all three fulfilled their duty in trying to reconcile what their parents thought was between the two of them. 

 

How little they knew, he thought bitterly. How arrogant of them to assume they were right about this or anything else about him. Perhaps her parents and his father. Not so much his mother; she seemed as troubled as he felt. He missed her...missed all of his life. He might have missed his father too if he weren’t so livid with him.

 

“He’s trying his best to do what’s best and necessary for you,” Silek often said. So that made it better then? That he should hold his nephews and niece over Spock’s head as bait to get him back into communication with T’Pring. He had been here for so long with so few to turn to for comfort. Now, once some trusted persons came about they were wielded as weapons against him. 

 

He was guilty about his anger towards Michael but she approached all things in a way mother called the chaotic good. It was an apt description for how she had handled both himself and their father. Neither was happy once she had finished with them. Spock had to speak with T’Pring and in exchange Michael would contact Nyota on his behalf.

 

He would have rather talked to her himself...in person….but he knew now how little people get what they actually wanted. He was still considering what he wished to express to her but how could he do so? It was a complicated thing, too difficult to distill. His sister would have no chance at all if he couldn’t even dissect it. 

 

She has most likely forsaken me.

 

That thought looped through in his mind, burning his innards. She had forsaken him. She was ill-informed as to his whereabouts and emotions. And all of this left him...? 

 

He did not know. Cramps and a souring stomach racked his abdomen with pain but he could no more help that than his situation. 

 

He was still waiting to be moved off of the waiting list for housing after nearly a year, and a degree and a half later. Though apparently the offer still stood for Spock to board with the Yonsul. Spock declined as politely as he could. He’d rather be homeless than room with _ her. _

 

He turned his eyes away from his frustrated uncle towards the female in question by contorting his head to look up and behind them as they laid there on the sandy lawn. She was staring up at the sky with a sprig of pre in her hands. 

 

A fair looking child, she had become a comely young adult. She remained sharp-witted but her penchant for drama sometimes overshadowed that. He had often times reflected on how much her company was agreeable in an friendly respect. Anything beyond that seemed to grate on both of their nerves. From this it was clear for Spock to see he was as much hers as she was his. 

 

Right then Spock knew her to be avoiding his gaze. It was likely due to their last interaction, the confrontation on Earth.

 

In truth, he was not angry at her...well, he should speak truth. He was sore with her. She had wounded him and gravely so. In the span of a little less than a standard Terran hour, Spock’s life had changed into this strange imitation. His home, his family, his friends, his school, all changed and replaced with familiar yet incongruent pieces. Vulcan was a home to him but it was not his home. T’Pring was his bondmate but she was not his bondmate.

 

He clenched his teeth and took a deep breath to settle himself.

 

Perhaps it was because he would have gotten away with it, had everything stayed the same, if T’Pring had not confessed what she knew. The accusation was especially hard to endure when he knew of her own dalliances and had kept them a secret for no other reason than he saw little reason to tell on her.

 

It seemed his obvious regard of his childhood friend had moved her to such pernicious actions. But the baleful reveal had not been without regret.

 

He reclined with his back towards her, gazing up at the sky as if at any moment it would turn back to the familiar blue he knew much more intimately. T’Pring did the same but with a manic fidget to her fingers.

 

It appeared that guilt did not sit with her well. She was tearing at a piece of pre leaf that she held between her fingers, filling the surrounding air with the spicy scent of its musk. Normally Spock usually enjoyed the smell but he could not find any pleasure in it or anything else for that matter.

 

He was livid and his bondmate was crestfallen and the both of them were stuck here together sullenly looking up at this sky he did not wish to see in a place he did not wish to be.

 

He heard her take a breath and tear at the leaf before her voice broke their silence.

 

“I did not foresee such an outcome.”

 

Spock scoffed and blinked over a passing te-resh-kah. “What then did you foresee.”

 

“I thought perhaps your parents might see that we were ill-suited for one another and press my parents for an annulment. You were certainly taken with your human neighbor-”

 

“-I think you have made enough observations about my regard and my neighbor.”

 

“I only mention her now and your feelings therein because you could readily be bonded once more.”

 

Her feigning innocence aroused his anger once again. Propping himself up by his elbows, Spock shot her an accusing glare. “And what of yourself? Will you not lend your critical eye to your own plans? How readily you could be coupled off? Of how much you found yourself swayed towards one who was not me?”

 

“It was not necessary at the time.” 

 

“Necessary? Was it necessary to humiliate me in such a fashion? To tarnish my person so thoroughly in front of my family and your parents that everyone would believe my closest companion was unsafe in my presence? That I would abuse my telepathy and make her do something untoward; I would disagree on the necessity. You did nothing more than play a victim when we’re just alike.”

 

“We are not alike. One of many reasons as to why I found it necess-”

 

“-Not necessary at the time,” Spock raged on. He could not believe her gall. Not necessary?! It was his life she destroyed. “It could have been addressed many times over. Starting with you and Stonn.”

 

T’Pring blinked in surprise that he should even suggest such a thing. She clutched the remaining bit of leaf in her hand and glared at him. “He had nothing to do with what you did with her.”

 

“He has everything to do with it!” he retorted. “He and her, you and I, we’re all a party to this! I do not claim to be in the right for my actions but you! You carry yourself as if you haven’t done as much and far more than I have done outside our bond. For one that prides themselves on being Vulcan, T’Pring, you have quite an unhealthy habit of lying to yourself.”

 

“I do not lie!” she said, raising her voice. She stood up and held her fists at her side. “You were going to mate with her.”

 

“And you have mated with Stonn many times over! Shall we continue to lob trespasses at one another or shall you just apologize for what you did?”

 

“I have nothing to apologize for! It was your behavior! I did not ask for-”

 

“I didn’t ask for any of this either, T’Pring!”

 

She fell silent and took a step back. He realized belatedly that he had shouted at her. His uncle’s silhouette was gone from the window and appearing in the doorway. Spock hung his head and sighed.

 

“I didn’t ask this. I did not ask to interrupt your life. I did not ask for our bond. And I certainly did not ask for pon farr.”

 

“We do not speak of it.” His uncle’s voice rang out. He looked just as scandalized as T’Pring currently did. 

 

Spock shook his head and slowly came to his feet. “Well perhaps we should. Maybe all of this could have been avoided.”

 

“We cannot know.”

 

Spock adjusted the sleeve of his outer robe with a small shrug of his shoulders. “Because we do not seek to know.”

 

No one said anything as Spock moved back towards the house. He had a dissertation to prepare for and it was better for him to be productive than not. He passed the front door and went along the back, seeking the rear entrance so he could more readily access his room.

 

Their eyes followed his retreating form along with their faint words. No doubt they were discussing him and his behavior. He scoffed, still walking.

 

What more did they want from him? What was it that they wanted him to do? To say that he wasn’t wronged, to say that he was content with the way things were? How could he do that when no one sought to understand him?

 

“Hello.”

 

He glanced up and found himself looking at a familiar face, one like his and his father’s, one he hadn’t seen for years. His brother. There he was leaning on the small wall fencing their uncle’s home acting as if he hadn’t put them all through emotional anguish.

 

Spock stood there, stunned, trying to decide of how he should react. Physical violence was a particularly tempting choice. “Hello?”

 

Sybok smiled with an expression that his mother would often make when something was obvious. “That is usually what people say when they greet one another.”

 

“And that’s all you have to say to me?” Spock asked, frowning.

 

Sybok shrugged. “Someone has their back up about something. What has your Sakhal in a twist?”

 

Spock’s brows furrowed further. “Do not talk like that.”

 

“Like what? Coarsely? Does it offend your ears or sensibility? No offense is given, brother.”

 

Spock pursed his bottom lip and turned back towards the home’s rear door, ignoring Sybok and the irritation he was breeding inside him. But whatever peace he sought to regain was lost as his brother continued.

 

“I spoke with Michael.”

 

“That is well for you. I hope you at least apologized to her for your absence.”

 

Sybok chuckled and shook his head. “I will not hear the end of it with her, I am sure. She told me of your troubles and that I could find you here.”

 

“And so you found me.”

 

Sybok leaned off of the wall and followed after him. “I am here to tell you, Spock, you can be whoever you want to be. You can be who father desires you to be. You can be who mother imagines you to be. Or you could be yourself, for once, and see how that feels.”

 

Again with suggestions. He was tired of others’ suggestions. “And I suppose that is working out well for you?”

 

“Indubitably.”

 

Spock huffed through his nose and prepared to enter through the door when his brother came between him and the house. Gritting his teeth, Spock growled. “Get out of my way.”

 

“If you want the autonomy of an adult then fucking act like one.”

 

“Am I!”

 

Sybok nodded slowly, his tongue running itself along one of his canines. “Strange. Last I checked you did not want to be here. You were bonded to someone who you do not want nor wants you. And you might possibly be bonded to a pretty little human back on Earth but you are acting like a child who waits to hear what his parents tells him to do.”

 

“You do not know anything!”

 

“I know what I heard.”

 

“Well what you inferred is incorrect. I am not bonded to Nyota.”

 

“Ah then she does have a name and yes you are bonded to her you broody beast. Do you really believe you need a healer and all that pomp and circumstance to forge a bond?”

 

“It is our way.”

 

“Is that all you can say, Spock? Parrot our father? I believed you had a brain in which to think your own thoughts. Seems I am mistaken.”

 

“I am not father’s clone. I am simply being logical-“

 

Sybok, being calm until then, burst into a fit of anger. “ _ Fuck _ logic. Fuck the lot of that! What has it gotten you brother? Stuck on this dry rock orbiting nothing that gives you life? What is the point of our shared Vulcan heritage if we never seek out infinite diversity in all its combinations?”

 

“You speak as if you know me or what I’ve gone through since you left.”

 

“You all left me! I never left Vulcan you all did! First Michael then aa of you! I just decided to leave from where I was left. And I speak as one that can empathize with your upbringing so do not say I speak without knowledge.”

 

Spock grit his teeth and stared at him. He didn’t know what was more maddening, Sybok’s righteousness or his sympathy. “Do not discuss my life as if you or anyone else knows it.”

 

Sybok scoffed and leaned back against the wall beside the door. “Right! You were the only Vulcan teenage male who was woefully paired off and found someone more agreeable. Your emotions are nearly out of control and you’re more angry and lust ridden than you’ve ever been. You’re right, I don’t know you.”

 

He shrugged off of the wall and sighed.”Poor Spock-kam.”

 

Spock curled his lip as he came forward with a humorless smirk. “So very tragic.”

“I am not someone to be pitied.” 

 

Sybok jerked closer, glaring down at him with an expression he could not read. “Then act like someone to be admired. If you don’t want to be here, do not stay. If you do not want T’Pring, do not have her. If you do not want to learn in the herald halls of our Science Academy then do everyone a favor,  finish your latest degree and bugger off.”

 

Spock frowned up at him. “You know about-”

 

“I know about a lot. I care for you. Just because I’ve been gone doesn’t mean I don’t want to be there for you. My absence may be selfish but it is what I need. I cannot be around father right now and your mother...I had to go.”

 

He took a deep breath at the air and sighed. The earlier anger drained out of him leaving him with warm concern. “You have been doing good, given the circumstances. I just want to see you do better. Not for T’Pring or father. Or even Nyota. For yourself.”


	20. awkward reunion

Spock stared at Nyota in spite of himself. He had spent his whole childhood looking at her and yet the sight of her was new to him.

 

Nyota. He hadn’t been told she’d be coming but hadn’t she always planned to attend the academy straight out of school? 

 

_ Of course she had and of course you knew _ Spock chastised himself. He knew her as much as she knew him. Time would not change such things, even though months had turned to years. They were kindred, now as they had been before.

 

Perhaps staying mum about Nyota had been a deliberate move on his mother’s part. She was still trying to heal the fraught feeling of disconnection between them. His father, on the other hand, had probably known but they hadn’t spoken since he left the VSA for Starfleet. 

 

The Uhuras would speak to him when they saw him in and around the city but never went out of their way to go any further than that. His frayed relationship with Nyota had strained the one he held with her parents. 

 

Spock took her father’s cool regard especially hard. He had always put so much faith in him when they had been younger. He’d bragged about Spock being Nyota’s own personal guard and protector. What Mr. Uhura thought of him now was never articulated but his eyes conveyed something Spock did not want to hear aloud.

 

Nyota continued across the courtyard unaware of his eyes on her figure. An ache welled in his side as he took her in. 

 

When had she grown into the woman he saw before him? So becoming, so beautiful. How much had he missed during the last three years? 

 

_ Three years _ . It felt like decades but it had only been enough for her to finish school back east and begin her time here at the academy with just a year in.

 

His hands hung limp at his sides as he watched another cadet greet her. She was turned towards him now and stood still. 

 

Her thick black hair had grown longer and set into a bone straight ponytail at the top of her head. A light application of makeup stained her lips and lined her eyes. The glow of her skin however suggested she wore the cosmetics out of a preference and not as necessity. He again noted to himself how becoming she was.

 

Nyota shifted from one foot to the other and nodded as the cadet spoke to her. How many times had she done the same with him? Countless he thought as they had been together for most of their lives. 

 

It was fidgets like that he didn’t count or catalogue because they were not extraordinary. They were everyday motions, gestures that Nyota did as she went about her life. 

 

He chewed at the inside of his mouth as the ache in his side grew in strength. 

 

What was it that pained him so? Nostalgia? From the definition he would believe so but why should seeing her now hurt him like it did back then when he was freshly wounded?

 

Nyota lingered in conversation, welcoming another as they chatting with animated arms and faces. As she twisted and turned, Spock noticed more of her figure. Had she always been so alluring? Perhaps he had been too young to care. No matter the case, the thin frame he knew her to have had grown fuller and softer. 

 

Spock cursed under his breath forced his eyes away. Of course she had. Hadn’t his mind tortured him with dreams of her? Of the kisses they shared so long ago? Nyota shifted out of the corner of his eye, again catching his attention. She had dropped something and was bending to pick it up.

 

He glanced back at the ground and inhaled deeply.  _ By Surak _ . He would have words with the admirals about the female cadet uniforms. They was no way she should look like that.

 

He swallowed roughly and willed his feet to move. He had to be off if he was to make it to his office appointment on time but he felt his body angrily resenting the duty. Seeing her and knowing she was here now had thrown him into an uncontrollable mental tailspin. 

 

He wanted more than anything to walk over and greet her as he always had; longed to give her the expression that she took as his smile to keep from crying as he told her-

 

“- I am sorry.” he whispered. He continued on towards the physics hall blind to the fact that she had turned around and watched him walk away.

 

\---------- Awkward once again

 

God had one hell of a sense of humor. Nyota stood outside of her astrological physics class. It just so happened to also be  _ his _ class. 

 

She looked down at her PADD displaying her class scheduled, shaking her head. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” 

 

Nyota warred with the thought of trying to find a different professor teaching the same course but tamped down the temptation. Spock had most likely seen the roster and would have known the most probable reason that she dropped the class. 

 

She also didn’t want to be seen as difficult.  She had a goal in mind, an assignment to the Enterprise as her Chief communications officer. If she could get on the crew of Starfleet’s flagship she could go anywhere. Language degrees were something of an open ended certification. She could do  _ anything _ but it was hard to find  _ something _ . 

 

Nyota cursed between clenched teeth and put her PADD away. She didn’t owe him. And even though he left her in a lurch, she knew that technically he didn’t owe her anything either. 

 

Well that wasn’t true. An apology for never speaking to her again was the least he could effing do. Anything more that she wouldn’t entertain.

 

Nyota stood near the doorway trying and failing to sense something from him. There was no familiar scent in the air, no long, lean figure she could spy from the door. There was no deep tenor voice that could be heard over the noisy din of boisterous cadets, nothing of what she would find when she stepped beyond the doorway. 

 

She sighed up towards the ceiling and stepped through the threshold. Normally seated at the front she found herself angling towards a seat closer to the door and a good ways back from the lectern stand. 

 

A number of classmates waved or called her over towards her typical seating arrangement but Nyota dismissed them all. With a gesture that spoke of a fictional headache, Nyota cradled her head in her hand and kept her gaze lowered. She kept her head down to continue the ruse and found that it worked for most of them. Those closer to her from orientation week and their shared elementary school lingered, concerned she might be showing signs of washing out.

 

That could not be further from the truth. In those years before her attendance, Spock had professed how much she was ready for the Fleet’s academy. She knew he believed it but it wasn’t until she arrived and fell in with the rest of the plebes that she believed it too. 

 

The requirements were hard but not unattainable. Her commanding officers had given her varying degrees of stern encouragement. Seems that her worry had all been nerves. 

 

Until now. Until this professor. Until Spock came back into her life.

 

An all-too-familiar voice boomed over the noise in the air.

 

“This is Astrological physics 1. I am your professor Lieutenant Commander Spock. Please open your files to page 36 on your devices.”

 

_ Well some things never change _ Nyota thought, doing as instructed. She had yet to gain the nerve to look up and study him. The voice though she couldn’t mistake. It was much deeper than she last remembered and a tad richer in its sound. 

 

She nibbled her lip and kept her head down as she followed along in his lecture. If he saw her he didn’t draw attention to the fact by calling on her. She couldn’t help but wonder if he was as surprised as she was. 

 

When she was applying he had been nowhere on the faculty listing. Maybe he had just been added over the summer but then how did he skip the basic training? And the ranking, how the hell had he pulled that off?

 

Such questions left her mind as he began to call upon the class for a series of physics fundamentals. Blessedly, he wasn’t calling on individuals, allowing whomever to raise their hands, introduce themselves and supply the answer. 

 

Nyota wiggled the PADD stylus between her fingers as she tried to blend into the background. After 45 minutes, she thought she wouldn’t make it without being called. Surely he would say something, call on her or hold her after class was dismissed. Only...he didn’t.

 

Class ended and she was able to make her escape more or less seamlessly. Had she glanced behind her she would have found him staring after her as if he had seen a ghost.

 

\------

 

The next class didn’t give them the peace of avoiding one another. Janice had caught Nyota in the hallway and concluded only after Spock was nearly on them. Whether she had held her up on purpose Nyota couldn’t have been sure but the smirk on Rand’s face as she left the two of them was undeniably mischievous. 

 

Spock stood before her with his hands behind his back. It felt unnatural as if he were withholding himself but in a way he was. He had always held his arms by his side when in her presence but so much had changed. The times, their ages and the defining lines of their relationship were all now blurred.

 

Nyota looked at his torso as if she could look straight through him to where he held his hands. Maybe she felt the uneasiness of it too. He watched her throat move with a swallow and her lips flinch with a momentary grimace. “Hi.”

 

He frowned. It had been so long since he had done so publicly but he could not bring himself to care. Hi? A single word of salutation? Is this what they had been reduced too? Pensive conversation like that of his parents? Like he and Sybok?

 

“It is good to see you.” 

 

They stared at each other both surprised at his response. He wished he could explain but he felt just as uncertain. His tone had been warm but firm. It rebuffed her coolness as well as affirmed their friendship. At least he hoped it did...he had just...reacted.

 

Nyota’s mouth fidgeted, undecided on what emotion to express. As she bit at her lip it settled into a pensive smile. “You too. Finally.”

 

“I wish to speak with you. Privately if I may.”

 

Nyota’s heart stuttered in her chest. She could scarcely hear her own voice from the thundering sound of it in her ears. “What about?”

 

Spock adjusted his hands behind him looking uncomfortable. “About my departure and the events thereafter.”

 

Her breath was lodged in her throat, effectively choking her silent. If she coughed to clear it she knew without a doubt, tears would also follow. There was too much here between them but now she had a chance to resolve it. Even if they did not continue on as the close friends they once were, she could at least have some sort of conclusion. So she nodded, steeling herself against her own emotions.

 

He audibly sighed in relief and nodded his head. “Very good. Do you have a preference on where we meet?”

 

A coffee shop sprung to mind as the first and best choice but seeing how close to the surface her emotions already were she second guessed he would want to be in a less conspicuous place. “Where do you live?” she asked.

 

That surprised him.

Nyota watched as he tried to hide his reaction with a shift to the left and the side of her. “Not far from here. Would you care to come over and speak there?”

 

Nyota nodded and added. “It doesn’t have to be your house. It could be my dorm but...people aren’t libel to understand that we already know each other and…”

 

Spock gave a jerky nod in agreement and tilted his head thoughtfully to the right. “Any venue hosting a Cadet and their superior might be seen as potentially hazardous. That being said, I will go wherever you agree to.”

 

She held her breath and stared at him. For all his black expression could convey what he said between the lines meant? so much in light of their separation.  _ What you need I will give you. _

 

“I just want to be able to speak freely.”

 

He blinked slowly, still nodding a yes to everything she said. “I understand. Then let us plan to meet at my condo at…”

 

Nyota gave him a time which he automatically commited to his memory. They parted, preparing for the best or worst exchange of their lives.


	21. When one door opens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and happy holidays

Spock stared at the door a full minute after it rang. Nyota was here but he wasn’t ready. How could he be? From this meeting there was the potential to lose or gain Nyota for good.

 

A feeling of being cornered within the confines of his abode twisted his innards. What he had wanted to do for so long had finally presented itself and he was nearly sick with anxiety. 

For days he hadn’t been able to properly sleep or concentrate as he waited for the weekend. Thoughts of her were always there, ever present, treading the edges of his mind. 

 

The memory of the last time he had divulged his life to her while alone in his parents’ home kept surfacing. Her shock, his anger, her hurt, his forced kiss. He had almost lost Nyota then. Time had not lessened the grief and fear of it. Both emotions still haunted him.

  
True, he had been much younger and impulsive, much more susceptible to sullenness. That still could not excuse the pain of his t’hai’lu’s absence, because wasn’t she the most dear of his friends? The most dear to him?

 

The doorbell chimed again, jarring him out of his introspection. Spock clenched his fists tighter at his sides and shook his body with a small hmph. Negativity would gain him nothing. He wanted her and in the grand scheme of their relationship he owed her an explanation. 

That was to say he needed to apologize. 

 

He did not need to be versed in human expressions to pick up on how much pain Nyota carried. Just the mere mention of his departure years before had her speech halted and her voice cracking. He had been the root of it.

 

Nyota entering his apartment had Spock looking over to his hand pressed against the door panel. When had he moved? He swallowed silently, worried over his current mental state. When he turned towards her, Nyota gave him the full weight of her attention. 

 

Oppressive would have been one way to describe her gaze but her eyes held so much more emotion than accusation. They stood speaking without words in his foyer, too nervous to break through the thick tension wrapped around them. 

 

His lips parted instinctually, drawing her scent in along his tongue to taste her. She also breathed him in deeply, much to his delight. Her mouth was more full than he last recalled, more plush and mauve in color. When she cleared her throat he realized he had moved closer, absorbed in his inspection. 

 

He snapped his mouth shut and ignored the resulting pleasure of Nyota’s fragrance trapped along his taste buds. There would be time to examine such things later. If he did not conduct himself appropriately the memory of this moment might be all he was left with.

 

“Would you care to sit?”

 

For the first time since she entered, Nyota broke her gaze away from him towards his living room. “Umm, yeah.”

 

Her indecisive answer nagged at his nerves. She was nervous. He wished that she wasn’t but how could he ask her to do something he couldn’t even do for himself. 

 

He followed her as she made her way to the couch, sitting at the far corner. Her hands fell into her lap and she knitted her fingers together. She studied them as closely as he did her. 

 

It seemed neither one of them knew where to start. Starting meant unwrapping the wound that the both of them shared and with it the resulting pain. It was hard to hurt oneself intentionally and harder still to knowingly hurt someone you cared about.

 

His next question caught her off guard. Asking if she cared for a beverage wasn’t at all what Nyota was expecting.

 

“What?”

 

“A glass of water? Tea?”

 

She pursed her lips and exhaled through her nose. The adorable expression had the knot in his throat unfurling. It must have shown on his face because she scoffed and shook her head. “Don’t be weird.”

 

“I am not. How is extending common human courtesy ‘weird’?”

 

She dodged his direct question and parried with another statement. “Don’t act like this is just a regular house call. We know why I’m here.”

 

Spock’s brows edged towards one another in growing confusion. “I do not see having water or tea would prevent our discussion?”

 

Nyota sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and huffed again. The longer they stalled the more Spock was reminded of their quarrels as teenagers. Perhaps they were just picking up where their emotions had left off? 

 

“I’m fine, thank you,” she said finally. Her hands sat stiff in her lap as she gazed down towards them. “Let’s just talk.”

 

He nodded, sliding his hands down to the couch. Spock drew in a deep breath and released a shaky sorry.

 

Her hands flinched though the rest of her body sat stone still. “That doesn’t even begin to cover it. You left me.”

 

“I am so sorry.”

 

She licked and bit at her lip. “You left me and you didn’t say shit.”

 

“I cannot deny this. Though you must know I did not want to leave and sought to contact you.” 

 

“And how exactly did you, of all people, fail to do that for three years?!” she said. Her voice cracked with emotion as her face became lined with tears. He wasn’t sure if it was a statement, question or accusation because she went on without clarification. “I was left for three year wondering what the hell I did or what happened to you and I just…”

 

She hugged herself and sobbed. “You have no idea. You hurt me so much, Spock. And no one understood why I couldn’t just get over you leaving.”

 

Spock’s nails bit into his palms as he fought the urge to touch and comfort her. She was falling apart and trying to hold herself together. She didn’t need to though. 

 

Nyota was safe with him he wanted to say, as secure with him as she had always been. She could vent anything and everything to him and he would not hold any of it against her. How could he? But he had lost that priliviage or perhaps the trust necessary for Nyota to feel at ease with him.

 

This new evolution of their friendship...relationship, was unpleasant to say the least. “I did not wish to leave Terra. You most of all.”

 

She shrugged and sniffed at the running liquid trickling down her nose. “Well you did.”

 

“And I am sorry.”

 

She shook her head, her lips pursed so tightly they looked light pink. “That’s not good enough.”

 

Spock slouched back against the couch arm and hung his head. “I agree. It is not.”

 

“I hate that we’re even doing this. It’s not like you were in love with me and-”

 

“I am.”

 

“What…?”

 

“I am with you. Have been.” 

 

He struggled over the words, trying and failing to fit them together properly. He had never proclaimed his love for anyone and to do so now felt strange. Nyota shot him an incredulous look that made him all the more wary. “What the hell Spock!?”

 

Was he performing the declaration correctly? Perhaps he should have offered a token beforehand? “I am sorry I meant no offense.”

 

“I’m not offended I’m just...I dunno I’m confused why the hell would you say that right now?”

 

“Because I do. I would not have led with it originally but I wanted to make sure you knew that I was in fact taken with you.”

 

Nyota shook her head the whole time he spoke, holding it between her hands. “What? I can’t.”

 

“You do not reciprocate?” 

 

Nyota covered her face with her hands and groaned loudly. “No! That’s just it I do but what kind of foolishness is this?”

 

Taking her hands away from her face, she gestured over to where he sat timidly on the couch. “You leave and we just hop back into our friendship and then some as if you weren’t gone for three years without any communication? How does that make sense?”

 

“I cannot argue that it does though I will admit I am at a loss as to what I or you should do in lieu of it.”

 

Nyota pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed at her cheeks with the heel of her hand. “I don’t know either. I just know that you said you’d come back the next day and I never saw you again.”

 

The pain in her voice had him curling in on himself with a shiver. It was like he could feel it but then again he had his own version of losing her. “I have no excuses. Only an explanation of the last three years. Do you wish for me to recount them?”

 

Nyota sniffed and clenched her jaw. “Not really but yeah I should know.”

 

Spock took his time in retelling the events that happened after he departed from her home. He paused when she asked for clarification and for her sake left no detail or event left unsaid. When he got to the part of breaking his bond with T’Pring, Nyota excused herself. “Where’s your bathroom?”

 

“Down the hall. Second door on the right, within the bedroom.”

 

She rose and started towards it. “I’ll be right back.”

 

He sat staring after her while his fingers fidgeted along the sofa cushion. He had no idea how this was going. There was not the amount of screaming and yelling he imagined but it was tense all the same.

 

Nyota’s right back turned out to be eleven minutes and forty three seconds later. He wasn’t certain that she was using the facilities the entire time but she seemed a bit more composed than when she departed from him.

 

The liner around her eyelids was slightly smudged and the cast of her brown skin was flushed. All this and she still looked beautiful to him. Spock was hedging closer to her before he even became aware of it. He paused, suddenly unsure of his welcome.

 

She made no move to shoo him away nor did she welcome him closer. Chancing her anger, Spock edged closer until they sat knee to knee. She did not balk as he leaned further and gently bumped his head against hers. 

 

Nyota inhaled quietly. She must have felt him. He wondered if he should apologize for the unruly mess of emotion he pressed against her. 

 

“No. You shouldn’t.” 

 

In the same teetering manner that a toddler takes its first step Nyota nuzzled her face closer and shared her own maelstrom. The tone of each of their residual grief was unsurprisingly similar. If they were sounds from a duet they were the same notes in different octaves. Spock’s high, feverish angst to Nyota’s low, chest constricting ache.

 

Spock pulled his head away to look at her when he felt the dampness of her skin. Nyota gently rubbed at her eyes and all at once he was overcome with an urge to see her sadness abated. “Please?”

 

He said it with his arms open, the stiffness in his manner divulging that this was, for him, an unpracticed gestured. Slowly she went into them, bracing her face against his shoulder as she crawled into his lap. They had always comforted one another through the years but this was a new set of rites. The hurt between them was uncharted territory. Neither one knew the first thing about how to navigate that hurt, but not knowing something had never been a reason for either one not to try.

 

When they had gone about their friendship as young ones long ago it had been a happy mix of cultures and customs. As they grew older with new, more complex emotions, so did their reference of one another. They had spoken so much back then to make sense of the shifting world around them. 

Now...there was very little they could say to encapsulate what had been forged between them. There had been and always would be love, the foundation of which was grounded in an unyielding friendship. Layered atop it were the romantic nuances. Their bodies had grown and with it, their mutual interest as they took notice. 

 

Sitting in the center of all these emotions was the bitter pit of abandonment and longing. Spock shifted along the couch, freeing his arm to stretch a hand towards her. Nyota tilted her head up to look at what he was doing and pinched her lips. “What are you doing?”

 

“I want to talk...in a Vulcan way.”

 

Carefully he took his time in explaining the meld and the subtle details therein. Looking at her as she took in the information he was reminded of what his brother had not-so-gently hinted at. “ Nyota...do you remember the first day we played in the miniature Vulkansu domicile located in my backyard?”

 

She nodded and he continued on, explaining the possibility of a slight but very possible bond strung between them. 

 

Nyota leaned up off of his chest. The expression that came over her face made Spock wince. Was she angry? Disgusted? Both?

 

She started to shake her head, then shrug her shoulders before falling back onto his chest with an aggravated sigh. “No more. No more stuff. I don’t wanna learn or do anything else right now. Not yet, not until we get closure on this. The talking can be a Vulcan way or human, I don’t care.  Let’s just do it so we can...be over it.”

 

He swallowed, suddenly nervous at the timing of everything. Perhaps he should have waited on that particular bit of information….though he thought better of it. There was no settling things right between them if there was something left lingering in the periphery. As fraught as it felt now, the relationship between them would be better for it. He did not intend to leave things as a merely childhood friendship.

 

“What do you intend to make it then?”

 

Spock turned to face her head on, fascinated by the curious glint there in her eyes. “I will show you if you wish? After we talk of course.”

 

Nyota took his hand and held it against her cheek. “Of course. Let’s talk and then you can show me.”

 

“My mind to your mind. My thoughts to-”

 

“ -Yours.” 


	22. Life goes on without you

Nyota chewed at her lip as she scrolled through her comm. The lipstick she had put on before heading out was long eaten off by the time she made it to the shuttleport. Only hints of red-violet remained smudged along the edges. If she weren’t careful she would end up nibbling her mouth bloody but she couldn’t help it.

 

Midterms had brought along more than a break from mind-numbing academics. Along with her physical bags, Nyota had a huge weight of Vulcan luggage seated three rows up from her. It only made sense that Spock would go and see his family, or at least his mother, during the holiday break. And it shouldn’t matter that he ended up on the same shuttle as her.

 

All the same it made her think back on that night in his condo. What his mind had shared with hers. What he wanted from her, wanted with her, wanted of her. While her pain at being abandoned assailed her the strength of his pining had made her...stupid. Well, feel stupid because yes they were friends and sure he was back but should their intimacy really be entertained?

 

She recalled their meld and blushed over a particular heated exchange.

 

_ I hunger for you. I am yours should you have me- _

 

_ The picture of them wrapped around each other in her foyer all those years ago appeared in her mind.  What would have happened if her parents had not returned sooner than expected. Their fingers entwined as tightly as their minds. Spock pulled her over him and sighed huskily with his teeth on full display as she enveloped him wetly. _

 

_ I am free to you. I am yours. What shall I say you are to me, Nyota? _

 

_ The imagery grew more graphic and Nyota hesitated over what to say. The gall. How could he think she would just up and jump into his bed after he had hurt her so? Yes she forgave him but she was still fucking livid. And what about a call? Any call? His sister had called him once but Michael was hardly a world class conversalist. Or loose with details. How dare he. How dare- _

 

_ -I want you too. I wanna- _

 

Nyota hissed and sucked at her lip as her incisor cut through the plump flesh of her lower lip. That’s what she got for daydreaming. She retrieved the limp napkin below her cup of water and placed it to her mouth. As the cool condensation dulled the pain she laughed at herself.

 

She was twelve all over again. How she felt about Spock had her reeling once again. The answer seemed so simple. Either you’ll have him or you won’t. Even that seemed too easy. How were they supposed to date now that he was her superior in Starfleet as well as her professor in the academy? 

 

Well not for long. This semester with him would be Nyota’s last. Even if he wasn’t already heavily laden with orders to get back out in the field, he’s not instructing anymore courses she needs to take. She’d no longer have an excuse to be near him and if he went on active duty once more, then she’d also lose her chance to see him as well.

 

The rest of their shuttle ride was uneventful. Her lip still throbbed once they had landed at the ancient port of Reagan National. Reagan was the size of a depot but it managed more air and space traffic than its larger sister ports Dulles and BWI.

 

She watched Spock disembark the craft as he dwarfed those standing nearby. He shrugged on the shoulder strap of his duffle and caught her staring. Nerves begged her to look away or at least be embarrassed but a bolder part dared him to stare back.

 

He did, if only for a moment. People were shuffling out and down the aisle towards the exit and he would need to move soon to be out of the way. The few seconds he did gaze silently back at her conveyed a new revelation for Nyota. 

 

No matter how she felt or what she would do, Spock was eager to know. And no matter the timing, he would wait until she was ready to tell him. Why she concluded this she didn’t truly know. It... _ felt _ like he was waiting as he looked at her and he seemed very...focused.

 

Maybe it was that bond thing he talked about, she thought as she pulled her luggage behind her off the shuttle. Spock was waiting in the terminal, looking more like a mannequin modeling everyday Vulcan wear. He came alongside her as she turned towards the mainport and baggage claim. 

 

She kept quiet though she would have welcomed a bit of banter. The silence hovering between them only highlighted her unease. Spock didn’t appear bothered by the quiet and followed her all the way to get their bags and a flitter at the taxi stand. 

 

Spock stood holding her bags along with his. She had forgotten how brotherly he could be. Doting on her one moment and teasing her the next. It had been his regard towards her that had her so ambivalent about seeing him as anything other than her play brother. 

 

_ Yeah, well, hormones took care of that, didn’t they? _ She huffed through her nose. He turned his head towards her at the nose and Nyota lowered hers to keep her embarrassed smile away from him. When he continued to stare, Nyota groaned and glared up at him. “What?”

 

“You are thinking very loudly.”

 

Nyota sneered and tilted her head. “How would you know? You’re not touching me to read my thoughts.”

 

Spock quirked an eyebrow and tilted his head back at her. “I don’t need to when you are expressing each one across your face.”

 

Nyota rolled her eyes. “Whatever. You don’t know what I’m thinking or expressing.”

 

“I would beg to differ. Some of them have been highly inappropriate.”

 

“Spock!” she hissed, looking back behind her. 

 

A hint of a smile turned his lips as he gave her a knowing stare. “Why are you growing so upset? You have no cause to be, unless I was correct?”

 

Nyota’s face grew hot even as she scowled at him. “Give me my bags back.”

 

“No,” he said flatly. 

 

Nyota stuck out her hand for the handle. “Don’t be childish! Stop acting like my daddy and gimme back my stuff!” 

 

Spock pulled away and shook his head. “If I were acting like your father perhaps you would listen to me and not be so truculent.”

 

Nyota clenched her teeth and hissed between them. “I’ll show you truculent if you don’t give me my things.”

 

Spock flashed a smirk before slowly extending her orange weekender bag. Nyota grabbed the handle but found that Spock was holding fast to it. When she looked at him in annoyance she was surprised to find him looking her over warmly. “Spock?”

 

Using her grip on the bag, Spock pulled her closer to him. Her lips parted as he bent at the waist and came nearly nose to nose. “I enjoy being around you; more so when you are yourself and not who you think you should be.”

 

Nyota blinked in confusion. “You think I’m acting around you?”

 

Spock leaned up and away from her. His demeanor still good natured as he glanced over towards the flitter coming towards them. “You have been reversed around me. Guarded. It is nice to jest with you as we used to do. I would rather have you annoyed with me than afraid.”

 

Nyota snorted and pushed at his coat-covered arm. “Boy, nobody’s scared of you.”

 

Spock shrugged and placed their luggage into the trunk of the flitter as the hood of it popped open. “We will see if such statements hold true.”

 

Nyota scoffed and plopped herself into the flitter. “Whatever. You’re being weird.”

 

Spock slid in after her and punched in their destination. “You are being broody.”

 

Nyota peered over her arm and noted that he typed in her address. She scrunched up the bridge of her nose as his accusation hit her. “You’ve got some nerve calling somebody broody. I’m sure if I looked up the definition your picture would be beneath it as an example.”

 

He sat back and fastened his seat belt. “If I were featured under broody I am sure you would be right beside me in the holopic.”

 

Nyota growled and made a fist to playfully knock against his shoulder when Spock caught it inside his hand. Nyota’s mouth grew dry as she felt his mind graze against hers. That long-suffered pining that she had felt from him since their preteen year raced frigidly beneath her skin. The tingle ran all the way to the tips of her toes, leaving her with the sensation of pins and needles. 

 

Her mouth was a stark contrast to the rest of her body. At the touch of his hand her lips felt hot and achy, she glanced at his face and found him staring at her mouth. He wanted to kiss her, was desperate to feel her lips on his. But she hadn’t offered and he wouldn’t push himself onto her. 

 

That he could sense her toying over thoughts of him and them together was nearly driving him mad. That day in his condo had reintroduced Nyota to his life but in such a remedial fashion. 

 

They conducted themselves as if they hadn’t spent the majority of their lives growing up alongside each other. Would three years apart really see them as nothing more than friendly neighbors and members of Starfleet?

 

Frustration and longing rolled off of him in waves as he excused himself and released her hand. Free from his touch Nyota still felt his desire. He had missed her and in a way, he was still missing her. All because she couldn’t settle on how to regard him.

 

Yours.

 

Nyota didn’t ponder over the thought. Whether the word and sentiment were from a memory or felt in this moment didn’t matter. She reached out and palmed Spock’s cheek in her hand. His head turned easily with it as she brought it towards her own. Leaning up, she fastened her lips over his and closed her eyes.

 

A noise deep in his throat hummed against her mouth as he kissed her back. The press of it was soft but the emotion laced inside made it hard for Nyota to breath. God she loved him and dammit if she wasn’t in love with his snarky behind. 

 

He opened his mouth and brought his hand to cup her cheek. Nyota allowed her face to be tilted up and let his tongue curl itself against her own. It all felt new. How many times had they kissed before, human or otherwise and had each one feel like the first time?

 

He broke the suction of their kiss to mummer in a gruff whisper. “I cheris- I love- I…” he sighed, fumbling over the words.

 

Nyota hurriedly replaced her lips onto his. He didn’t have to say it. He was messing it up anyways. Adorably so, but that’s not how she wanted to have this exchange end. He was lovely, this was lovely and she needed him to know that.

 

Spock met her verve with his tongue ready to spar. He was shaking, gripping the seat below them to keep his other hand to himself. He wanted it at her face, along her temple. He wanted the full expression of how this moment could feel. His arousal was also to the point of aching. 

 

Driver-less or not, Nyota knew there were cameras within the cab. It wouldn’t do them any good to get cited for indecent behavior in the flitter. 

 

What could only be speculation on the handful of people that knew them at the academy could quickly become substantiated if there was documentation of their affections towards one another. Spock was nearly at his wits’ end anyways. Better for them not to tempt fate in trying to reenact the lewd thoughts he had shared with her during their meld.

 

Nyota began to pull away but Spock leaned in further chasing her mouth. She huffed, amused and pushed at his chest. At once he relented but not without a hungry look casting itself over his eyes

 

“Fix your face,” she chided. He did, albeit with a slow, calculated lick of his lips. He was taking the lingering taste of her mouth on his lips but smoothing out the rest of his face as he did. The motion reminded Nyota of the neighborhood alley cat when he came across something especially delicious. 

 

He would crouch in the cover of her father’s flitter, licking his paws with his claws extended. Whenever he caught her staring he would lower his paw with a slitted gaze and snake his tongue over his mouth in way of showing he was savoring every last drop.

 

Nyota swallowed hard as Spock did something similar before adjusting himself against his seat and peering out of the window.

 

The ride home into the heart of Arlington seemed longer than it should have been. They had practically devoured each other and it still took 20 minutes more to get to the house once they had stopped. 

 

Traffic from the private sector as well as the government clogged the hoverways with bumper to bumper lanes. 

 

Spock’s comm chirped an alert followed and hers chiming a moment later. Nyota pulled hers out and flipped it open. Surprised flickered over her face as she noted the sender’s name. Amanda?

 

Hello! Kioni and I have joined forces to fix the dinner to end all dinners for both families! Get ready to roll yourselves away from the table once we’re done serving. We’re set up now at the Uhura’s. See you all soon!

 

Nyota clicked her comm shut and glanced over to where Spock was staring at his. He spoke to her while keeping his gaze on the screen. “I apologize in advance.”

 

“For what?”

 

He closed the comm and placed it quietly back into his coat pocket. “For any awkwardness that is sure to arise from this event. My mother mentioned it on our last communication but I did not believe she would combine our families together for it.”

 

Nyota nudged his arm with her elbow and smirked at him. “You’re just scared of my dad.”

 

Spock’s lip formed a soft smile as the flitter turned and glided into their neighborhood. “Should I not be? You witnessed for yourself what I wanted to do with you. If I were your father I would be none too charitable towards a rogue male like myself seated next to his daughter.”

 

Nyota laughed and shook her head. “Rogue male? Who said you were a rogue?”

 

Spock blinked and tilted his head, pondering her words with answers he kept to himself. The flitter hummed to a stop and Nyota hopped out before he could query over it. Not that he needed to. She was happy to have him back. The only way for them to move now was forward. How quickly they did so would be determined by the fearlessness (or stupidity) of both.

 

That is after they survived dinner and an interrogation from their parents. 

 

Spock stepped out, got their bags and froze as he felt a pair of arms embracing him tightly from behind. A quick glance down had Nyota witnessing another soft smile on his face as Amanda pulled Spock down to kiss his forehead. 

 

She knew he didn’t like anyone being so publicly affectionate but how could he deny his mother this small gesture. Amanda made a little excited hoot and pushed his face back in examination. “My goodness you’ve grown so big! You went away a scrawny little thing and came back a giant.”

 

“I am hardly above average on Vulcan.” he said, allowing her to fuss over him. 

 

“You’re 6’5”,” she said incredulously. “How in the world do could you ever think that’s short?”

 

Spock’s answer was lost to Nyota as a large pair of arms brought her into a firmly against a wiry chest. A familiar scent filled her nose as she buried her face into the material of his shirt. “Baba.”

 

“Mtoto wangu,” her father’s voice boomed above her. His chest rumbled as he spoke, vibrating against her cheek as she hugged him tighter. “Wewe mzima pia.”

 

“Acha, Baba! I’m with Spock on this, I haven’t grown in the three months since I left.”

 

A hand patted her bottom lightly as a lighter voice teased her. “I don’t know, Ny. You are losing weight. How are you going to catch a man looking like this. Tsk. American food.”

 

Her mother had always griped about the evils of the traditional melting pots meals of the US, saying how it made one fat in the wrong places. “That’s your answer to everything mama.”

 

Her mother clicked her tongue and went in for a closer inspection with pinching her sides and comments to her paleness. “You are not getting enough vitamins, mtoto.”

 

“I’m not a baby!” Nyota whined while batting away her mother’s hands. “You guys are horrible! If I’m so pale and skinny then why don’t you feed me instead of fussing over me?”

 

“Eh? We have food. What are you talking about? Come, come. You think you would come here and we would have no food? Mtoto.”

 

Nyota groaned as her parents continued on in their teasing admonishment of her. She allowed them to usher her into the house where she excused herself for the restroom located upstairs. When she finished washing her hands Nyota crossed the hall into her bedroom. She paused in the doorframe as she spotted Spock depositing her bags at the foot of the bed.

 

He leaned up from stooping down to do so and stared back at her. The two of them stood in a fraught silence as their eyes went about looking the other over from head to toe. When their eyes met again, Nyota wiggled her hips in an embarrassing discomfort. 

 

Thoughts of if their parents weren’t downstairs, of if he had remained here on Earth those three years ago, how many times they would have met together like this. What was mirrored in his eyes said that he had thought of it too, what could have been, what would have happened if he had stayed and made good on that promise to see her the next night after prom as he had seen her then. 

 

Splayed over his lap and clamping around his fingers. Eagerly crying for him, of him as he sought to free them of their clothing and distance. This would have been the place of their first night together, as something more than neighbors or friends or classmates. It would have been as promised.  That would have been the fulfillment of the promise?

 

Spock quietly stepped forward, closing the distance between them. Nyota held his gaze and peered up at him as he came to a stop. He opened his mouth and began in a low voice. “ I-”

 

“Spock! Nyota! Come down. We’re ready to eat!”

 

Nyota sucked at the air with an irritated smack of her lips while Spock pursed his lips. “My mother’s voice remains so very loud.”

 

Nyota swatted at his arm with a giggle but quickly quieted as he caught her hand on its withdrawal. Lust burned across her at his touch, making the hollow ache in her core even more harried. His pupils were dilated so large that only a thin ring of dark brown remained.

 

Nyota’s lips parted and his gaze darted down to catch the movement. After a moment he gazed back at her and spoke to her quietly. “I want to see you again.”

 

-like that night so long ago.

 

He wanted to go back, pick up from where they started. Her head flooded with possible answers to give him. His mother’s voice calling after them again kept her from giving one.

 

She was sure, however, that Spock would come after her looking for one. 


	23. Play house with me

He played with the greens on his plate. The food that both sets of parents had prepared was delicious as usually but his hunger had firmly set itself on something other than his food.

 

His mother beamed at him from across the table, bubbly with her excitement to have him so near. Mrs. Uhura also seemed happy with his presence, friendly if reserved. 

 

The same could not be said for Mr.Uhura. While he did not openly glare at him, the weight of his gaze on Spock could be felt even when the Vulcan did not directly engage his stare.

 

For the forty-seventh time at the table his mother tried drawing him out into conversation. “Spock dear, how are your classes going? Do you enjoy teaching?”

 

Spock forced the hand maneuvering his fork to stop raking up the greens on his plate into a pile and looked up. “They are going as expected. I find instruction a novel venture.”

 

Nyota’s father grunted over the food that he was chewing and spoke to him after he swallowed. “Why teach if you only find it a ‘novel venture’?”

 

Spock straightened and postured himself to be deferential. It was clear he was irritated but to pique Mr.Uhura further would do him no good. “It is my assignment. I have little choice as to where I go. My commission aboard the Enterprise will not begin until the current commander has be reassigned.”

 

Mr. Uhura gave him a sour look but nodded. Spock dropped his gaze back towards his food and resumed his fidgeting. He would not fault Mr.Uhura for his loathing. He had been the one to bear witness to Nyota’s distress. That she was upset over her missing friend would have been hard, especially knowing there was nothing he himself could do to correct it. 

 

But some way, Spock concluded, Nyota’s father had seen the relationship between them for what it had become.  _ No teenage girl would mourn a friend as she is _ , he had probably thought. Why does she sulk over this boy as if they were...and then it had probably hit him...and then Spock was no longer so benign a presence.

 

He had continued to watch him from across the table as the five of them ate. The majority of the talking was between his and Nyota’s mother who tried (and failed) to tease out conversation from the rest of them.

 

Nyota didn’t seem much more interested than Spock in speaking. She looked at no one as she ate and only looked up to reply to a question shot in her direction. 

 

As they finished, Spock rose to help with the dishes. It was a relief as well as an excuse to leave the table and the tension hanging heavily over it. His mother rose to join him, moving to the counter to bring a covered dessert back with her. 

 

As he placed the china in the kitchen’s refresher, his mother leaned over and not so subtly whispered. “What’s going on with you two?”

 

“Nothing that I am aware of,” he had replied readily. Not the truth but not a lie with the parameters she had set within her question. 

 

She must have seen it for what it was because she shook her head and nodded towards the plates. “Sure. Bring those plates and forks with you when you come back to the table.”

 

He did as he was told, wanting more than anything to get up from the table and away from the Uhura’s home. His luggage was still in their foyer, patiently standing sentinel until it was retrieved.  

 

After four minutes of pretending to eat the apple tart placed before him before he rose from the table again. “If you all would excuse me. I am going to retire.”

 

His mother frowned and glanced down at his plate. “You barely ate anything.”

 

He took the plate in hand, putting the fork back beside the knife. “I am full.”

 

“ But you love apple tarts.” she continued. 

 

Spock took a paper towel and wrapped it quickly. “ I shall eat it later.”

 

He quickly took his things and made his way out the door. He entered his home and looked around. It seemed the same, everything where he remembered it being. He still felt like a stranger inside it. He deposited his belongings upstairs and stood in his room. It no longer smelled like him. Freshly laundered bed linens were the predominant scent but even that was faint. A quick peek into his parents roomed confirmed that his father was indeed not present in their home. 

 

Spock came back downstairs thankful for it. Not only would he not have to immediately deal with him but Sarek was sure to join his mother over at the Uhuras for dinner. Spock looked back from the landing of the stairs towards the backdoor. Beyond it he spied the replica model of the Vulcan domicile he had made years back with his father. 

 

Nostalgia ushered him towards out the door and into the abode. His mind wrestled with the new dimensions of his body as he fought to get his shoulder through the doorway. 

 

A few insects that had taken up residence in the playhouse made a hasty retreat as he settled down in the far corner. He huddled next to the kitchen and looked from one discarded toy to the next. He picked up one and turned it about in his hands. 

 

He felt like the giant his mother had teased him of being. When had this home become so tiny? 

 

“ You hiding from me?”

 

Spock looked up from the toy to find Nyota crouched in the doorway. She had changed since he had last seen her and now freshly robed in a blouse and skirted jumper. Gray knee high sock covered her legs while a darker gray loafer covered her feet.

 

She reached out her hand for leaverage to get in and Spock readily took it inside his own. She sat down beside him and glanced around. “ I remembered it being bigger than this.”

 

Spock’s lips quirked as he motioned towards her. “ I thought the same. About you and the replica.”

 

Nyota’s head barely at his shoulder now. In grade school she had been slightly taller than he was for years. Only once they reached their secondary grades in high school did he start to pass her. He was irrationally pleased by this fact. She seemed so delicate now.

 

Her fist playfully landed on his bicep as she leaned back against the wall. “ Whatever. I’m tall for a girl.”

 

“ I would argue that.”

 

Nyota rolled her eyes and took the toy from his hand. “ Of course you would. Heh! Isn’t this one of our ‘babies’?”

 

Spock leaned over and tilted his head towards it. “ I believe this one was our ‘pet’. Our children are over there resting in their beds.”

 

He inclined his head towards the only other room created by a dividing wall down the middle of the house. Nyota nodded and hummed to herself. “ We were pretty good parents.”

 

Spock shrugged his shoulders and retrieved the toy from her hand. “ You were a good mother. I was a largely absent father.”

 

Nyota watched him put the toy onto the floor and take her hand. “ An absent husband as well.”

 

She squeezed his hand and cleared her throat. “ You were a fine husband.”

 

He shook his hand. “ I did a better job of imaging our relationship than I ever did in reality. I never knew what to do until I had done it wrong.”

 

Nyota sighed and snuggled into his side. “ Things are easier when you’re kids and you get to pretend. We only knew what we saw and now that we’re older we know things are as simple as we thought them to be.”

 

He heard her lick at her lips and bring her face closer. “ You were always a great friend. It came so naturally that I think I just assumed being more than friends would come just as easy.”

 

His mind churned over her words. Maybe they had? Being ‘friends’ with Nyota had been quite easy as he found her to be ever-fascinating. Knowing about T’Pring and how much he cherished her as his comrade, maybe he had sabotaged them both. No matter the relationship, he never envisioned a life without her. They had promised forever.

 

Spock looked at her head on and brought his head down to kiss her. She met him a little less than half way and drew back seconds later. “Spock.”

 

He went after her face, smacking at her lips as he fought to reseal them together. She made a sound once he finally latched on, something like a whine that was akin to a yes. 

 

Her skin said more. It begged and clawed at him, gnawed at his nerves like a starved animal, pulling him bodily closer to swallow whole.  Spock’s answer to the aching hunger was to have them share the burden. He caught her face between his hands and rapaciously devoured her mouth. Her nails bit into his back so after followed by a moan that he felt in his mouth as if he had made it himself. 

 

Mad, they were crazed in this moment but would he blame them, could he? Hadn’t everything up until this moment heralded them towards it? If either there was a thing called fate, wouldn’t their undying, listless affection for one another be under its charge? He moved to pull her onto his lap and set his hands back at her face.

 

Nyota’s legs wrapped around his waist, digging their heels into the small of his back in an aggressive invitation. She wanted him and he needed no further prodding. Spock accepted with bringing them down onto the ground with Nyota underneath him. She held him close as he moved his hand for the fastenings of his pants. It was not the most effective method but he didn’t want to leave her mouth and couldn’t use his other hand as he was using that arm to prop himself up.

 

He broke their kiss and left Nyota hiccuping feverishly at the air. He had never seen her or any female before her so aroused. That he should be the cause of it quickened Spock’s fingers with the persnickety seal of his Vulcan trousers. 

 

He crowded himself back between her legs soon after with his mouth on the hunt for hers. Nyota met him with equal ravenousness, her tongue joining his in a smooth, wet glide. He moaned and winced in agony.  _ She felt so good, all of this felt so good _ . 

 

He not for the first time did this small alien female cause him to wish. Inspired by the thought he was taught not to entertain, Spock wished for her like this. Wanting to kiss and to hold him, to be met with the same fervent longing that he long since plagued him. He did not wish to be left as some pitiful creature, unless it was for her.

 

_ For you, I would, _ he thought loudly while humming in her mouth.  _ For you I would be pathetic and have been miserable. Please have me. Please, please, plea- _

 

Nyota gently bit at his bottom lip and Spock shivered response. His hands fell to either side of her body to keep himself collapsing on top of her, though that what it mentally felt like Nyota had done to him. 

 

She had pounced him in his groveling with the teeth of her pain. Anger flared between their lips as she kissed him. Kissing him like this is what she had wanted and he had denied her for three years. And for what? To seemingly protect her?

 

She was looking up at him now from where he was suspended above her on hands and knees. His face crumpled at her angry. There would never be enough sorrys between he could say. A time where he wouldn’t mourn each individual day spent apart from her on Vulcan. All this and he still was shaking his head and sighing softly.

 

“ I did not know what he would have done.”

 

Nyota frowned and grabbed a hold of his shoulders. “ Just because we want to be together? Why wouldn’t he be happy?”

 

“ It is not our way. I did not only shame him that night but I scared my father as well. He thought I was going to go mad as he said my brother had. He thought it would be best for my health and yours to be with a Vulcan but I could not bring myself to do that.”

 

His voice quavered by the end of his sentence. He had expressed it all before in the meld when she had wanted answers. Something about speaking the truth aloud made Spock feel like something inside of him was breaking. “ I choose you. I have always chosen you.”

 

“ Then why? Why no contact?” Her hands moved from his shoulders to his face. Spock nuzzled into them like a compress easing the tension within his chest. 

 

“ My father told me by no means I should contact you. When my uncle informed him that I had tried, he called me with a message akin to a threat. Either he would poison your parents against me and tell them what we had done along with a theoretical possibility of what could happen or make life for us difficult whether together or apart if I should cross such a boundary…”

 

Spock shut his mouth and gave her a mournful face. “ I did not want to lose you forever. I did what I thought was best and for all I know I cannot be certain that it was.”

 

He lifted his hips away from her and placed his face beside hers. “ Please forgive me. Forgive me. You are my one, my K’diwa.”

 

Nyota froze at the petname. Spock had never called her that, not even as kids at play. She never thought he would have but for three years she had thought the possibility lost. She took a hold of his face and kissed him again. He kissed her back fervently, thrilled at her acceptance. Angry was still thick within her but shifting its burning gaze away from him and towards his family. He did not begrudge her this; he was mad at them too. He moved his hips back down at the urging of her legs around his waist and moved at hand towards her underwear.

 

Shock stilled his hand as he came across nothing but her skin. The first brush of his fingers came away wet from her labia. He shuddered and moved his finger back, dipping it between the folds. Nyota squirmed in his arms and clutched him tighter. The scent of her was rising above the artificial sweetness of her perfume and making him lightheaded.

 

Spock bit at his cheek to hold himself in check. He wanted nothing more than to hold her hips and rush himself inside. He actually entertained that lurid Vulcan thought for a moment until she reached over and caressed his face. 

 

He glanced down to see her dark, lovely face gazing up at him. Her expression is one he’s never seen her wear before. It made him pause and kiss her again. Gone was the need to possess and consume her. Now, Spock wished to recompense Nyota for every day she had to go without him.  _ I love you. _

 

A strangled chuckled left her throat as she smiled up at him cheerful. “ I love you too, Spock.”

 

He moved her skirt and brought the head of his lok the wet, heat of her folds. He pushed forward and froze as she nervously grabbed at his shoulders. “ Can you hold me closer to you when you...I want you to hold me, please.”

 

He nodded between ragged breaths and gathered her into his arms. When next he pushed the only thing he heard from her was the catch of her breath as he slowly made his way inside her. Her breathing continued to be labored as he worked himself between her legs. He buried his face into the crook of her neck and growled once he finally worked his way to the hilt. 

 

They weren’t each other’s first but this mating between them had an air of finality about it. They had claimed each other so long ago and the consummation of that was finally at hand. Spock closed his eyes and reveled in the rapture of having her Nyota surround him. She squirmed in his embrace and demanded he move. He did so languidly, not in a mood to rush them. The growing chill from the setting sun had them changing their plans. The cool air of evening had started to seep through the large gap of the playhouse door and window shutters. 

 

Every so often Nyota shuddered in his arms as his withdraw left their wet laps exposed to the cold. Spock snarled at frustration and picked her up. He would not have Nyota uncomfortable or their memories of their first time of intercourse together be soiled by the temperature. 

 

He held her to him with Nyota with her still impaled onto his lap and made an ungraceful dash for his backdoor. She shrieked in horror and punched his shoulder. “ Spock! What the fuck!? Just let me walk on my own! Someone could see-”

“ If you keep yelling someone will eventually hear you and come out to investigate. I do not believe that is how you wish to conclude our evening.”

 

He punctuated his statement with a push of his hips and nipped at her jaw. She scowled at him but silenced her protests. She fought her skirt down over her rear as he maneuvered them through the door. He stood still and listened in the quiet of the living room. His mother had yet to returned and his father had yet to arrive. 

 

He bounded up the stairs towards his room as he was assured of their privacy and locked the door behind him. Nyota fidgeted in his arms to be let down but he was hard pressed to relinquish her.

 

He made his way over to the bed and placed her down on top of it. He followed with climbing on top of her and reinserting himself between her legs. Nyota clawed at the sheets and huffed into the air. “ Are you well?”

 

“ I’m fine. I just want you to fuck me already.” Her voice was rough as she tilted her hips towards his. “ You don’t know what I was thinking during dinner. I couldn’t wait to see you.”

 

Spock made a noise in response that made her tremble and clench around him. “ God, I love it when you do that.”

 

Spock hissed and sucked at his lip. Nyota was draining his control. If she continued to feel like this and talk this way their coupling would be over before it had started. Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. The last thing Spock wanted right now was his mother or father finding him over his longtime friend and neighbor rutting her into the bedding.

 

Nyota gave him a husky chuckle and rolled her hips. “ Stop worrying so much and show me how you’ve wanted me.”

 

Spock’s mouth twitched with a smile and leaned towards her ear. “ We do not have enough time for me to do all of that.”

 

He felt her smile against his cheek and run her hands underneath his shirt. “ Then show me what you can, K’diwa. I wa-”

 

She gasped against him as Spock sent his hips crashing into her. He sent one hand into her hand and the other around her leg and rocked himself against her until he feared her parents would hear her wailing from next door. 

 

The bed was wet below them when he laid himself down and placed her on top. Nyota’s lead was more teasing and luxurious. Where he had pummelled her with quick, deep strokes Nyota wound her hips up and down and side to side on his lok. 

He laid below her paralyzed as to what he should say. Should he tell her that he was mesmerized, confess that he had imagined her riding him just like this? Would she like it if he told her that her breasts were perfect and sweet and he wished them to be bare for his mouth and hands?

 

Five minutes into her taunting control of him had left his pelvis wet and had her listing in pleasure. She whimpered and collapsed against him. She hummed and murmured his name when he wrapped his arms around her and stroked himself towards climax.

 

“ I want you to come in me.”

 

Spock froze, questioning his sanity and whether he had imagined her words when she weakly bounced herself upon his lok. Spock took it as confirmation and moved his hands to her rear. He held her still with a cheek in each hand, thrusting into her until he felt the first rush of semen leave him. She mewed at the searing heat as his lok emptied inside her and curled against his torso. “ Spock…”

 

He licked at her neck as he held her fast to his cock and didn’t let go until he was firmly knotted inside. Fear of pregnancy was far from his mind as he crushed her frame to his chest. He had her, finally he had her. For years he had waited and longer still he had pined for her but here they were in a hot, sweaty mess of salvia and stickiness. 

 

He took her twice more before they rushed for their clothes at the front doors unlocking. Nyota went to the bathroom while Spock rushed to the kitchen to feign cutting up apples with honey. 

 

His mother came in drunk and teetering with laughter. His father trailed in after her with a somewhat solemn look on his face. His nose was already twitching with accusation as his mother shooed him away to take over in making haroset. 

 

Their eyes met over her head with a flash of challenge. His father’s stare of how could you was met by Spock’s defiant glare of how could I not? Nyota was his long before either of them knew it and damn them all if he should be denied her now. 

 

Sarek looked around and went up towards his bedroom, passing Nyota on the stairway. 

 

“ Hello, sir.” she said happily as she stepped past him. Her face was still flushed brightly from their lovemaking and her eyes were aglitter. Spock thought she looked lovely and guilty with her tousled hair and swollen lips. His father apparently did not.

 

“ Uhura.” he said in a clipped sound of dismissal. She froze on the staircase, while Spock stepped forward and Amanda looked up from the bowl of honied apples. “ Sarek, darling, don’t be rude.”

 

He did not turn around in his response to her. “ I was not the first to cause offense.”

 

“ Some would argue that.” Spock retorted with an arm out for Nyota. She quickly went to it and folded herself against him. Amanda’s gazed widened in surprise at their open display of affection before dimming with understanding. “ Sarek, don’t do this.”

 

He paused in his retreat towards the bedroom and looked over the balcony. “ They act as if they have honor in their actions. Whatever this is, dishonors our family.”

 

“ There is honor is acknowledging one’s own emotions.” 

 

Their eyes fell on Nyota as she wiped her eyes and stepped away from Spock. He reached to retrieve her back but faltered as she shook her head at him. “ I’ve done my best to be honest to you all. I don’t know if you all can say the same.”

 

She left them with that standing in their conviction as she made her way home.

 

Spock thought he had lost her once again and for good when he made his way upstairs. It wasn’t until he checked his comm did his spirit lift again.

 

_ You were so fucking good it made me want to cry. I want you again but not there. Can you come over? I promise to be quiet. Love, K’diwa. _

 

Spock made his way to the shower and donned a fresh shirt and pair of sweatpants. He knew from Kirk and McCoy that it wasn’t good to keep a girl waiting and Nyota was not just any girl. 

 

She was finally his. 


	24. while you were gone, we played hooky

They continued their evening ‘visits’ for the remainder of their stay. Nyota’s parents were happy as larks while Spock’s continued to fray at the seams. Spock told Nyota not to worry about it and she took him at his word. 

 

Coming back to Starfleet was met with mixed feelings of relief and anxiety. Relief from their commitment and anxiety from its existence. Each tryst felt like a conjugal visit with one or the other having to hide their affection until safety tucked within the quarters of the other. 

 

More often than not, they made love at Spock’s. It was not a good look to see Nyota signing into his barracks so often but remarkably better than Spock signing into hers. Time back at their parents now felt like a leisure respite compared to the harried bouts of coitus they were afforded on campus grounds.

 

There was an admitted thrill at being caught with her skirt up and his trousers down around his knees but there was also a bittersweet longing for a day were they could linger in each other’s bed and waste the day away without being missed. 

 

Surprisingly Nyota took it better than he had. She was five steps ahead of him in her mind as she plotted the course of her career in a way that would see them together on the same ship. Spock, however, was in a deep depression of brooding.

 

On their first night back, Spock had gained the nerve to ask for a mind meld. Nyota had agreed so quickly that Spock felt foolish in waiting. Nonetheless, sharing their minds had been quite illuminating though not entirely helpful. 

 

Perhaps that was a mistake on his part. Spock hadn’t thought to filter anything between them. He had spent the last few years away from her and wanted to know everything that he had missed. He had equally exposed himself, the ways he had found comfort in her absence, largely in work, research and pornography. But he hadn’t thought of what he might learn about her seeking to fulfill her own needs.

 

He admitted this fact to himself later as he sat glaring at his old classmate, now senior medical resident seated two tables down from him in the teacher’s lounge .

 

Vulcans were a jealous people when it came to those who were theirs and Spock didn’t see Nyota as anyone less than his. And while he had been away it seemed the same rang true for Leonard McCoy. 

 

McCoy. He hadn’t figured the stormy-eyed budding surgeon to have ever been seriously attracted to Nyota or she to him but he had felt the experience for himself. 

 

How Nyota’s body had reacted to his, how her mind had sought to remember everything she felt during their brief but passionate relationship.

 

Her unresolved anger and grief towards Spock’s departure had soured her and the doctor’s coupling. When McCoy pushed for something more serious, Uhura had ended it. 

 

Spock had always cared for McCoy despite their frequent heated debates. He was intelligent, altruistic and practical. Spock was glad to have found that Leonard had also been understanding of Nyota’s need for healing even if he didn’t understand her reticence to commit, and clearly didn’t want to let her go. Far be it from Spock to say that someone should let go of one so precious.

 

Spock pondered all this and more over his lunch in the cafeteria. He had just finished off the last bites of his sandwich. 

 

He rose silently from the table and took his trash in hand. Brooding over the past wasn’t going to help but Spock had no ready outlet in which he could resolve the issue. He couldn’t very well say he was dating Nyota now that she was his subordinate. Nor did he feel it wise to tell McCoy that he knew of their relationship. Such an admission would only lead McCoy wondering over the nature of Spock’s interest.

 

It was this strange form of bondage that leads Spock to seeking Nyota out and having her cornered in his office. It was Spock’s Vulcan possessiveness and his human jealousy that had him locking the door and pinning her against the wall.

 

She went to it and to him with no protest, ever the eager lover. Perhap she was thrilled by his callous handling. His inability to calm himself as he pulled at her clothes seemed particularly titillating as their skin pushed slid together.

 

She gasped against his shoulder as he pushed her skirt further up and around her waist. The scent of her arousal filled his nose and had him rushing to loosen his belt buckle. She was squirming between him and the wall in what he could only interpret as a need to have him closer. The touch of their skin felt alive and electric as they moved against each other. 

 

He pulled himself free of his pants and held her higher against the wall. The movement had her lips dragging up along his ear as she licked the angled ridge of it. “Spock…” she murmured. 

 

Pinning her with his torso Spock chuffed and pressed his hips forward. Her reaction was immediate with her nails biting into his neck and side. A soft, pleading whimper left her mouth that would have had him fearful of harming her. 

 

Touch had already assured him that was far from the case. He was grateful for it. The way they came together was more like a collision. Hands tore at clothes while lips devoured skin in toothy, wet kisses. It continued until the pair of them were bare and ready for the intermission of penetration. 

 

Spock adjusted his arms under her legs, splaying them wider and giving her a bit of purchase against the wall. She moved her hands to his head and along his shoulder, nibbling along his jawline with small, huffy kisses. 

 

His head swam, drunk with sensation. Her mind, she was so close him. Being inside only made the pleasure more intense. As he thrust into the clenching grip of her center his chest issued a low, guttural moan. At least that’s what it felt like. It sounded as if he were growling at her but he could not help himself. He had her.

 

Spock bent his head against her shoulder, withdrew and sunk back. A fleshy smack and dull thump against the wall filled the air as his hip found hers again. Nyota hissed loudly in his ear. “Yes, yes, yes…”

 

A rhythm was struck and dispensed. The pair observed between pauses to adjust. Spock gave himself over to his senses to take her in. Touch, ever the Vulcan default, funneled over unimaginable bliss. One hand abandoned its post beneath her thighs to hitch itself along the side of her face. 

 

“Please?”

 

His voice was an unrecognizable rasp of huskiness, caught between a growl and a whine. Nyota’s expression grew sorrowful at the sound of it. She nodded, pressing her head against his own, urging him to take.  Curious that she should think he would take, he only meant to share. 

 

His affection swept over Nyota in a suffocating gale. The inside of her mind filled with the deep, rumbling baritone of his voice. It called and claimed her.  _ Mine, mine, mine. Need you. Want you. _

 

The inexplicable pleasure he had been feeling with having her thus was channeled over to her through the meld. At the incoming wave, Nyota sobbed in his arms and went rigid against him. “Ah!”

 

She came with a violence neither had experienced in previous couplings. The sounds she made were haunting, raw and primal, a guttural wail from down in her throat. His mouth slipped over hers to stifle the noise, but that only helped so much. Nyota felt Spock’s impeding climax like that of her own. She had yet to come down from that of her own and the effect was blinding. She broke their kiss and whimpered at him. 

 

“ Spock.” she pleaded, in a croaky whisper. “ Why does it feel like this?”

 

Spock panted against her mouth and puzzled over her words. Like this? This is what mating felt like when a pair shared their minds, was it not? Nyota wasn’t objecting to their coitus but neither was she sure of its progression. She was confused over its intensity. Belatedly he realized that he had ushered too much of his perception upon her but he was groaning into her mouth a moment later. 

 

Nyota trilled along with him as she came again. Spock held her to him and braced them against the wall. Agonizing pleasure coursed through them, pulsing in time with his ejaculation. Nyota writhed against him and whined escatically into the air. His want of her took on a near physical pain. The foreign manifestation saturated her nerves and grated on them like a sugar rush that left her dizzy and teeth aching from its sweetness. “ Spoc-” she squeaked. The death grip she had on his shoulder went limp as her arms fell to her sides. 

 

Spock dislodge his mind and broke their connection with a growing sense of panic. He held her lolling head between his hands and looked at her face. “ Nyota? Nyota? Are you well? Nyota?”

 

Nyota stared back in him in a sated stupor. Her large eyes blinked slowly at him as if she couldn’t quite get him into focus. Spock felt her jaw tic against his palm as she tried to move her mouth to speak. Panic wells in Spock’s chest as he observes her near catatonic state. Had he hurt her? “ Nyota, are you well?” 

 

Spock curled his lip over his teeth as Nyota shifted and clenched around his knotted cock. Arousing as it was the movement was a distraction he couldn’t afford to entertain. Nyota had yet to answer him but her behavior was even more confusing than her earlier statement. Spock brought her face closer to his with his hands and gently brushed his thumbs over her cheeks.“ Nyota? K’diwa!” 

 

Nyota closed her eyes and gave him a wide, puerile grin. “ I feel drunk?” 

 

Spock frowned and tilted his head. “ Was that a question or statement?”

 

She laughed slowly and limply shrugged her shoulders. “ Heh, I don’t  _ know _ .”

 

Her words took on a sing-song tone as she slurred them between fumbling lips. Spock stared on in horror. What had he done? This had never happened before, with her or anyone else. How had she been rendered senseless? “ Nyota?”

 

Her head fell free of his hands and fell against his chest. She laid there against him, happily humming to herself and luxuriating in the slack feeling of her body. “What?”

 

Her tone was hard for Spock to discern. She sounded like she was reproaching him but her thoughts felt giddy and distant. If anything she seemed annoyed with having to focus and think beyond her blissful reprieve. She shifted her head and spoke to him in standard. “ You’re so cute when you’re worried. Boop!”

 

Spock shook his head as her finger came down on the tip of his nose. This was no time to be jesting. His logic was returning to him much too late and now he was concerned over both of their schedules given their ‘time’ together and her present state. She couldn’t be seen like this. People would think she was drunk at best and violated at worst. He had seen her walk after time spent beneath him. It would not go well for either of them if she were seen stumbling in such a fashion from his office.

 

Spock’s breath quickened as all his earlier bravado left him to face the aftermath alone. He was in his office with his pants down around his ankles, his lover delirious and held fast to his cock in the middle of the work day. A quiet curse left him. How had he lost so much control over himself?

 

Nyota laid docile in his arms and was minutes away from dozing. Spock would have been inclined to let her do so if his office door hadn’t chimed. “ Professor? I was wondering if I could have moment of your time.”

 

A louder curse left Spock’s mouth. He gazed down at Nyota’s drowsy face and back towards the door. “ I am busy at the moment. Email me a list of dates you are available and I will select a time from there.”

 

He hurried to his desk and took a hold of Nyota’s waist. Gritting his teeth, he willed his body to relax and pulled Nyota free of his cock. Nyota bit her lip and tried her best in stifling the whine rising up her throat as she was plucked free and placed on the edge of his desk. Spock soothed her face with a contrite caress of apology and moved to fix his pants. 

 

From the other side of the door the voice came again, a bit more insistent. “ I would do so sir if it weren’t for testing tomorrow. I’m worried that I have the wrong study guide and Captain Pike said that if I got stuck on anything I could go to you and you would clear things up.”

 

Spock ground his teeth together and fastened his belt buckle. Of course, Pike would have said such a thing. “ Very well. Just a moment.”

 

Spock pulled one of the two chairs placed in front of his desk and dragged it over to the side. He swiftly placed Nyota into it and urged her to rest her head on the desktop. “ Feign that you are sick.”

 

“ I don’t think I have to pretend.” she replied, yawning. She leaned down and closed her eyes. Spock studied her appearance and swallowed any doubt he had down and away. “ You may enter.”

 

A young male Trill in his 10:40 am array coding class named Enri Tomall Yix stepped in and nodded crisply. “ Commander, sir. I’m sorry to bother you, I-”

 

He paused mid-sentence catching sight of Nyota. Her head was resting on top of her folded arms and her hair was cascading down her back. “ I-Is she okay?”

 

Spock crossed his arms behind his back and spoke in a low tone. “ She was not feeling herself and is resting.”

 

Yix drew closer to Nyota and leaned to the side to observe her better. “ Hey you okay? Do you need to go to the clinic?”

 

“ I can assure you she will be well within the next five to ten minutes, Cadet. About your study guide-”

 

Yix frowned and extended a hand over in Nyota’s direction. “ Sir, how can you be so sure? She looks like she’s under the influence of something.”

 

Only the influence of melding while climaxing he thought guiltily casting his gaze over in her direction. “ It is not a matter that you need trouble yourself over Cadet Yix. Y-”

 

The Trillian lowered his brows and cut his gaze towards Spock. “ Is there something going on here you don’t wanna tell me about?”

 

Spock felt his heart shutter in his chest as he fought over what to say. He had to protect her, say something but what  _ could _ he say?

 

“ Ila mos fambii lo. Tama rini zim rash seeka tilldas mae coma zum kol.”

 

Both Spock and the Cadet turned towards his desk where Nyota was now sitting up and slowly speaking what Spock believed to be Trill. Yix looked from her over to where Spock was standing stiff as a board. “ Tuumi myloo karayosh?”

 

Nyota groaned down towards the desk and waved him away with a quick sputtering of more Trill. Yix nodded rapidly in understanding and turned to the Commander with a sheepish expression. “ I’m sorry Commander, sir, I didn’t mean to imply anything. It is really nice of you to look out for your students.”

 

Spock eyes fluttered in relief and he nodded back at him. “ It is my pleasure. If I may help you with your study guide.”

 

Yix proceeded to show Spock his downloads and Spock corrected all the labels Tomall Yix had put on each file so it would be easy for him to concentrate on the material to be tested. He tucked his PADD back into his bag with another long apology. “ Honestly, sir, I’m sorry. I happy to see you’re not just treating your commission her planetside as a babysitting job until you can get onto the Enterprise.”

 

Nyota’s brow wrinkled and Spock gave the Trill and measured lift of his brow. “ Yes” he said and left it at that. 

 

Spock called the doors to lock as soon as he departed and crouched beside Nyota. “ What is it that you told him?”

 

Nyota scoffed through her nose and gave a light shrug of her shoulders. “ I told him to get off your back. I said that I was feeling dizzy and unstable from a earlier work out after drinking the night before. You were concerned and told me I could rest here. I also said that you only hesitate in letting me in because you wanted to protect my privacy and not have anyone draw the wrong conclusion which really had him feeling guilty.”

Spock marvel at the ease in which Nyota had manipulated and contorted the true to fit their needs. “ You would say such derisive things about your person to protect our relationship?”

 

She smiled and bopped him on the nose once again with a lazy wink. “ I would have said that I was freebasing orion after what you did to me on the wall.”

 

Spock flushed in embarrassment and captured one of her hands in his. “ I apologize. I was out of line. I-”

 

Nyota shook her hand free and placed it on his lips. “ Don’t you dare for one moment apologize for what you did. It was the best sex I ever had and-”

 

Nyota hooked a finger into the collar of his uniform and brought his ear over towards her mouth. “ - I dare you to try and do better.”

 

He smiled softly and moved his mouth towards her ear. “ Do you think such a feat would go over well given the result of this coupling?”

 

Nyota snorted and kissed his ear. “ If it doesn’t at least I will die happy.”


	25. Well, are you?

“Are you fucking him?”

 

Gaila said it so flippantly that Nyota was momentarily stunned. She thought  _ she has used the exact same tone when she asked if it was raining outside _ . Somehow that made the question all the more coarse. She fidgeted, unsure of how to answer.

 

Would she embrace the truth, keep it safe and stored away? Or would she, righteously, report the both of them? She wasn’t one to keep secrets but...Nyota was slow to trust. 

 

She knew Gaila could probably smell for herself what was going on and was using this as a sort of test as well. Would she trust her or would she lie?

 

“Yes, but it’s not what you think.”

 

“Oh? What exactly do I think then?”

 

Nyota ran her teeth over her bottom lip before she licked at the top. “We...have history. As random as it may seem we have always been close. We grew up together and we-”

 

She fumbled with what to say as she recalled his long absence and the intensity of their subsequent reunion. He had owned her, every inch of her and she had loved and needed every second of it. He was hers as much as she was his finally; even though there was still impending doom held over their heads. Maybe her roommate sensed this as she interrupted Nyota’s thoughts to answer her.

 

“I’m not going to say anything,” Gaila said softy. “I just- I want to be able to cover for you.”

 

“And understand why?” Nyota added.

 

“Well, yes if we’re being completely honest here.”

 

“I love him.” 

 

It was the first time she’s said it aloud but it felt so real that she couldn’t feel a moments embarrassment about it. “I’m in love with him. I- we were separated and when we saw each other again…”

 

Gaila snorted and waved her hands. “Say no more. I saw the same thing with my dad when we moved to Barbados. Love with humans is not so simple a thing but it’s clear to see.”

 

Nyota was grateful for her forbearance. Not having to explain the whys and where-with-alls actually made things easier. She felt the tension in her shoulders dissipate with the clearing of the air.

 

“How long have you guys known each other?”

 

“Since I was four,” she answered readily. She could remember that day at the airport like it had happened just hours before. His face, his mannerisms, all fresh within her mind. “We lived next to each other and went to the same school. We were always together and...we just sort of clicked.”

 

Gaila nodded. That she didn’t immediately give her opinion on the matter gave Nyota a measure of gratitude. She had never been this open before with anyone about Spock, not even her girlfriends. 

 

Charlene and Janice probably came the closest. When he left though they didn’t entertain conversations about Spock as they once had. Probably because Nyota tried too hard and too much to act like it didn’t matter. It was clear to anyone with a working pair of eyes to see that she was heartbroken. 

 

“We grew up fighting and playing like siblings. Our families blended almost without effort. Things started to change between us as we got older but he was bonded, and I didn’t know.”

 

There had been a slight pause between one sentence and the last as she struggled to not give into the pain that bubbled up with past memories. Gaila stayed actively quiet, waiting for her to continue on. 

 

Nyota licked at her lips and rolled them between her teeth. “I missed him so bad. His family- his father- kept us apart for the sake of his bond but nobody knew.”

 

“Knew what?”

 

“Knew that we were bonded.”

 

Gaila’s eyes took a minute to widen as it dawned on her what Nyota was saying. “What?”

 

Nyota wrung her hands and bit her lips. “Spock told me his sister suspected but his brother confronted him about it. So he finished his second degree at VSA and transferred the rest here. He worked with the brass to help clear up a shortage of professors in exchange for fast tracking and the rest is just-”

 

She threw up her hands and shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know what we’re going to do. It’s so much and while I’m happy I’m confused and scared and anxious. It feels like there’s so much going on I can’t concentrate on one thing long enough to resolve anything.”

 

Gaila nodded sympathetically and leaned closer from her position on her bed. “Well let’s concentrate on something fun. How does it feel to be with him?”

 

A wide smile spread automatically over Nyota’s face as she pictured him. “It feels so easy. There’s so much I don’t have to tell him or say, he’s been there for most of it. It feels like… the air around us is finally clearing and I can breath. He’s doing the things that I’ve wanted from him for so long.”

 

“That sounds nice.”

 

“It is. I won’t lie, I wish that this had happened way earlier, but that it’s even happening at all just gives me this feeling of being so high. It’s thrilling and it’s naughty and it’s just, ugh, fuck I can’t stop touching him.”

 

“Can’t or won’t?” Gaila smirked.

 

“Both,” Nyota grinned. “I have to be so self-conscious about how I look around him, that no one knows, that when we’re finally alone I think I’m going to explode.”

 

“It smells like it,” she teased. Nyota palmed her face and gave an embarrassed chuckle. “Stop it! I’m trying okay?”

 

Gaila shifted on the bed and gave her own tittering laugh. “I don’t mean to tease you but you’re being so cute about this.”

 

“I feel like a part of me that was always looking for happiness finally found it. That I’m so happy now outweighs all the little voices warning me away from this relationship and him and about potentially ruining our careers.”

 

“Like I said before, I won’t tell anyone. But you have to work on not smiling anytime someone says his name.”

 

“I do that?” she asked in genuine surprise.

 

“Oh yeah, you do. It’s goofy as anything but you’re so deliriously adorable about it, I can’t bring myself to laugh at you.”

 

Nyota flopped onto back and groaned. “I’m such a dork. I never thought I’d be this sappy in my life.”

 

Gaila grabbed a pillow and stuffed it beneath her chin with a sigh. “Things change. People change.”

 

Nyota closed her eyes and exhaled. “Yeah, they do.”

**Author's Note:**

> A BIG special Thank You~! to WhirlingSkirts for going through this story and editing it for me. She offered and delivered the goods with no complaints and then went on to spruce up There are no stupid questions too! Thank you so much for making everyone's reading experience that much better :D! You're an angel!


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